Kunoification
By Ozzallos
Prologue
“Ah, my vibrant
Pigtailed Goddess! To what do I owe thy honor of your divine and radiant presence?”
Ranma, Akane and
Nabiki stopped and turned around. Nabiki withheld her chuckle in deference to a
poker face while Akane growled and Ranma simply sighed. “School, maybe?”
“Indeed, for it is
a necessary evil, but I suspect that the true reason is so that you may bask in
the glow of my noble presence.” Kuno suffused in a manner that was entirely too
full of himself.
Nabiki almost felt
sorry for Ranma, who had managed to get splashed on the way to school. Normally
they would have made a pit stop at Doctor Tofu’s, but they were already too
close to school to even consider the walk back. ‘Almost’ was the operative word
in this equation, however, as Nabiki happily collected the morning wagers.
Those consisted of not whether Ranma would win the inevitable fight against the
deranged kendo practitioner, but how long it would take for Saotome’s patience
to expire and how far Ranma’s can of whoop ass would send Kuno across the
schoolyard.
“Back off, Kuno.
Not in the mood.” There was no room for interpretation contained within Ranma’s
ultimatum, but if you were an eighteen-year-old kendoist with a tendency to
hold reality at arms length, there was plenty of space to read between the
lines.
“The wretched
Saotome’s magics are indeed potent!” Tatewaki huffed indignantly. “Very well! I
shall date thee and purge you of his fowl influence!” From that moment on,
things happened like clockwork. Kuno lunged for a glomp, only to be intercepted
by Ranma’s foot, which catapulted the upperclassman across the schoolyard.
Nabiki nodded to one of her lackeys and a girl ran out with a tap measure,
marking the distance from liftoff to touchdown.
“Honestly, Ranma…”
Akane rolled her eyes and Ranma shrugged. Nabiki began to dole out money to the
winners, yet something tugged at her thoughts. Something was missing. She
looked up from the stack of money she had collect and over to Ranma and Akane,
who were now walking off to class unmolested.
It was a textbook
Ranma-Kuno engagement, so why is my brain ticking over like there’s something
wrong? Nabiki wondered, finishing her transactions. Then it clicked. It was
a textbook Ranma-Kuno engagement… If Ranma had been a boy at the time.
Ranma’s actions were Standard Kuno Response Package ‘B’—Remove Kuno from the
general vicinity in the least amount of time possible. Response Package ‘A’ was
normally reserved for him as a boy; toying with Kuno a bit before
removing him from the general vicinity. But Kuno… Kuno was missing something.
Something that could affect her financial future.
“What’s wrong,
boss?” Seiya stepped up to her employer, noticing the look of intense
concentration. It reminded her of a calculator crunching numbers.
“Notice anything
unusual about the fight?” Seiya shook her head. “Akane. He didn’t favor Akane
once during the entire exchange.”
The girl blinked,
replaying the incident in her mind. “You’re right… Not one word.”
Nabiki
contemplated the ramifications and decided that it was probably the single
biggest event for Furikan behind Ranma actually choosing a fiancée. Kuno?
Settle on one girl? And Ranma no less? The middle Tendo savored the irony and
sprung into action. “Seiya, I want his schedule for the next week. The more
specifics you dig up, the bigger your bonus.” The long haired brunette nodded
enthusiastically.
“And keep this quiet.”
“The
Park at Seven.”
Nabiki stared at
the note for probably the hundredth time since Seiya had dug up the information
two days ago. Their search had turned up remarkably little information, save
the time, date and location she now held in her hand. Her associates bonus
hadn’t necessarily been a large one, but had been sizable enough to ensure her
continued silence. Normally the Ice Queen would have contracted one of her
helpers for stakeout work, but this was priority stuff. You don’t trust
priority stuff to henchmen… or henchwomen, for that matter.
So where was he?
Nabiki squinted in the diminishing light that was the dusk sky. The days were
getting longer and the park was popular in the evenings, which meant she had
some work ahead of her. Or maybe not, she thought as her searching eyes locked
onto a shadowy figure. No mistaking that profile. But there was somebody with
him? Definitely female, but there wasn’t enough contrast between her form and
Kuno’s to get an ID. The middle Tendo skirted the edge of the park now,
determined to attract as little attention as possible while getting close
enough to find out who this woman was that Kuno was apparently familiar with,
and what- if anything –she had to do with Akane and Ranma.
Nabiki crept
behind a nearby bush and palmed the recorder in her pocket. The two remained
silent for a moment, evidentially simply content to enjoy the other’s presence.
That’s okay. The Tendo was patient. Not that she had long to wait.
“The movies
tonight, my Goddess?” Nabiki smirked. Typical Kuno. The girl’s reply, however,
drove a wooden stake straight through the Ice Queen’s brain and destroyed
reality as she knew it. Turned it upside down. Shook it sideways. Then ate it
for lunch.
“Nah, let’s just
walk around for a bit, Tachi.” It wasn’t that there was anything offensive in
her reply, it was just… Impossible. She recognized that voice. Its
characteristic lilt. They were words that should have never been uttered by
that voice. Nabiki had to be certain, and tailed them as they walked slowly
through the park as lovebirds were wont to do. She shivered. Just not these two
particular lovebirds. Finally, they had progressed to a better lit area of the
park and Nabiki’s suspicions were confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt. A
slight gasp escaped her lips, enough to earn the attention of Tatewaki Kuno and
his date. Red hair. Blue eyes. A full head shorter…
Ranma Saotome.
Tatewaki’s face
took on a perturbed expression and Ranma’s turned similarly bland. “Don’t you
have something better to do, Nabs?”
The middle sister
recovered from her shock quickly. There was, of course, a logical explanation
to this. With that thought firmly fixed in her mind, she took on her
characteristic mercenary smirk. The situation was obvious now. Ranma wanted
something from Kuno. A cure. A map to a cure. Something big. Big enough
for him to cozy up to the upperclassman using her female form. And she was
playing the part too, with his unbound hair and feminine blouse/dress combination.
Even jewelry. “This is so going to cost you Saotome.”
Kuno dug his
wallet out of the casual jacket he wore and Nabiki absently noticed that he
cleaned up fairly nice when he wasn’t running around in his kendoist idiot
mode. Slacks. A nice button down shirt. It was almost enough to make her
reconsider her opinions of him… If he wasn’t already patently insane. Nabiki
was about ready to name the amount when the redhead’s hand reached out, gently
blocking Kuno’s progress. He eyed her with an arched eyebrow.
“Not tonight,
Tachi.”
Kuno was only
slightly surprised. Nabiki was even more surprised. They had all played this
game enough times. Money bought Nabiki’s silence. No money, no silence. And if
the rumor ever spread that Ranma was going out with Tatewaki…
He seemed to
comprehend the dynamic as well. “Are you sure? It’s only a minor
inconvenience.”
Of course it was,
Nabiki thought. He could burn thousand yen bills and it’d still be only
a minor inconvenience, if that. Granted, she could charge more, but there
was a fine line to be walked between public servant and public enemy. Still,
the fact that it was Ranma blocking the natural order of things was...
“You do
realize what would happen if news of your little date here got out…?” Ranma
shrugged and Nabiki nearly staggered.
“You’re going to
tell them I’m going on a date with Kuno?” Nabiki nodded, trying to look all
business despite the uncertain footing she was on. “And who would believe you
again?” Nabiki pulled out a disposable camera from her purse and snapped a
picture, to which Ranma sighed. “Right.”
“You’re refusal
doubled the amount, Saotome.” Kuno simply watched the pair debate. “You might
want to let your boy toy pay up.” The calculated sting her words were designed
to invoke never hit home.
“Double of nuthin’
is still nuthin’, Nabs.”
Nabiki did a
mental double-take. What the hell was going on here? Ranma should be defending
his masculinity to the hilt and using Kuno’s blind spot concerning the
pigtailed girl to do it, yet neither was happening. Time to break out the big
guns. “What would your father say if he found out?”
“I believe you
already threatened that, Miss Tendo.” Kuno pointed out with a hint of
amusement. Those words did more to turn Nabiki’s gut to ice than any anomaly in
Ranma’s attitude. They hinted at something that should have been absolutely
impossible. More impossible than finding Ranma here tonight.
“You know?”
It was Kuno’s turn
to smirk. “Of course, Miss Tendo. I’d have to be insane not to.”
This comment
earned him an elbow to the ribs courtesy of the smaller redhead. “You still
are.”
The upperclassman
sniffed with amusement. “Quite possibly. But suffice to say, yes I do know.”
“But if you know…”
Nabiki’s head began to spin as the ramifications landed on her like a ton of
bricks. “And Ranma is a girl…”
Ranma leaned into
Kuno a bit and looked up at him “I think she’s getting it.”
“Verily.” He
agreed.
She shook her head
as if to clear it… “You… And Kuno… An item?” One really couldn’t blame
the incredulity seeping into her voice. After all, Nabiki Tendo had started
this week going after the second biggest story in Furikan High. Now she had
both the first and second right here in front of her. Screw the
blackmail; the amount of money this information could be sold for would be insane
by itself! She checked the tape player on reflex, ensuring it was still
running. Good. Nabiki blinked and the recorder was gone from her grasp. “Hey!”
Ranma tossed the
offending device into the air and obliterated with a tiny ki blast that shot
from her fingers like a pistol. Sparkles rained down in contrast to the darker
evening sky. “Oops?”
“Oops?” She
squealed, then glared at the diminutive redhead. “That was a top of the line
DAT recorder! I hope you realize that how much you owe me just jumped. Big time!”
Ranma simply gave her a bored look and it took her a moment to figure out why.
Oh yeah, she thought with dark irony. Her boyfriend is Mister Money Bags. Her
boyfriend. Nabiki kicked the thought around in her head. That was just so
many ways to wrong it wasn’t even funny.
“I believe we
should leaveth Miss Tendo to her conundrum.” Kuno commented and began to pull a
smirking Ranma away from the girl.
“Indeedth.” She
quipped with amusement and followed his lead.
Nabiki stood there
in muted shock as they walked away before finally regaining her composure.
“WAIT!” The couple paused. “Okay, you win! But I have to know!”
Kuno seemed to
consider this before looking to Ranma. “It is your date night, Ra-chan. It is
up to thee.”
Ranma pursed her
lips, trying to decide if they should even waste the time. “Hell, why not?
Otherwise she’ll be stalking us all night long. But over something to eat. I’m
starved.”
“So
for how long…?”
Kuno had picked a
nice seafood place by the river. While he could have gone more expensive as he
usually did on their dates, he recognized the delicate balance between Ranma’s
hunger and her patience. Besides, he had learned a while ago that she didn’t
necessarily care for such niceties. He did, however, and made it a point to
take her to the finer establishments. He looked at Ranma, who was greedily
sucking down some breaded shrimp. “Three months?”
Ranma nodded and
finished off another shrimp. “Sounds about right.”
“You’re like this
after only three months?” Nabiki fought hard to keep her cool. Manly man
Ranma Saotome in a blouse, makeup and jewelry in three months? The sister
really began berating herself for having missed the boat so badly.
“No, no, of course
not.” Ranma returned, pausing in her mass calorie intake. “’Cides, it’s date
night.”
Kuno answered the
obvious look of confusion plastered on Nabiki’s face. “She only partakes of the
finer raiments when we go out. As for our relationship, it commenced
approximately one year whence.”
“But only got
serious three months ago.” The redhead clarified.
Nabiki nibbled at
the plate of shrimp Alfredo pasta she had ordered. The whole situation was
just… Alien. “But how… Even better, Why!”
“If Tachi here
didn’t already have gobs of money, I’d be chargin’ ya for that info.” Ranma
sniffed, again clearly amused.
“Perhapse you
still should.” Kuno commented with a smile. Come to think of it, Nabiki never
recalled seeing a real smile on his face. A maniacal insane grin that indicated
nobody was home upstairs, yes. But a genuine smile? Uh-uh.
“Nah.” Ranma waved
the suggestion away. “’Cides, you know what I think of money.”
“Indeed, my fiery
Goddess.” Kuno smiled warmly “It is one of your nobler traits. So where would
Miss Tendo like us to start?”
Nabiki barely
suppressed a shiver. “Uh, I guess the beginning?”
Author’s
Notes: How
to get Kuno and Ranma-chan together without the use of drugs, koi rods, mind
altering magic, bumps on the head, locking Ranma as a girl from the very
beginning, pressure points and any other similarly used plot device…? Yes,
ladies and gentlemen, that is the challenge. Your first question might be
“Exactly why are you taking time away from Ah! My Ranma ½ and The Best of
Times, Ozz?” Well there’s a perfectly good explanation for that.
Ferrets stole my
brain.
It’s the honest to
God’s truth. That, and I’ve had this itch to do it for some time, partly
because there are so few out there to begin with. TriMatter, on the
other hand keep his safe in tubberware. Brains, not ferrets.
Special Thanks to TriMatter, as the brainstorming
we came up with has really resulted in a better fic.
Kunoification
By Ozzallos
Chapter One
Eleven
Months Ago…
How do you define
a typical day for Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial
Arts? For most people, a typical day would not involve copious amounts of
property damage, life and death duels with rivals and dodging fiancées as if
they were bullets. The analogy between fiancées and bullets was more accurate
than most people realized, as both would just as soon kill Ranma Saotome even
as they tried to marry him.
The fiancées, that
is. Not the bullets.
There was one girl
in Ranma’s complicated life that wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit for a
marriage certificate, and that was Akane Tendo. Like the pigtailed boy, she had
been forced into the same arrangement by her well meaning, but ultimately
self-centered father. It wasn’t exactly a surprise that every time she heard
the words “join the schools”, it was like a tiny dagger to the back. No, let’s
make that a short sword to the back. Sometimes a claymore, depending on the day
and the stupidity of the scheme being employed for the couples’ own well being.
The wedding party disaster just happened to be a +5 Black Heart Avenger to the
back, a broadsword used in the Feyrun-Orgrimar Campaigns with the insidious
reputation of sucking the very life-essence out of its victim. Thankfully,
Akane had rolled successfully against the save versus breakup and their
relationship survived. Mostly. There were days when both Ranma and Akane could
see the light at the end of the tunnel and that maybe, just maybe, they
could dispense with all the idiocy and chaos once and for all.
Today was not one
of those days.
“Prepare to die,
Ranma!” This was rapidly becoming the standard greeting throughout Nerima, as
it had been heard so often that its residence had since adopted it as their
own. Of course, it was more often than not the chosen greeting of a certain
bandanna’d martial artist with unique propensity for becoming lost in the most
unlikely of situations. Unique, as in most people tend not to get lost in the
bathroom. Or the hallway closet. And those who do usually don’t find themselves
in
“I’ve seen Hell
because of you!”
…Which was an
interesting statement to make, since the majority of people who have actually
seen hell usually did so in a dead-as-a-doornail capacity. Not Ryoga, though.
Oh no. Again, one might think that it was an exaggeration that the Hibiki had
actually seen hell. You know, a play on words or some other amusing punch line.
Again, they would be sadly mistaken. The lost boy had actually seen hell.
Had the postcard to prove it. Signed by the dark lord himself, in fact, with
the tag line, “Wish you were here!”
Ah, the irony.
“Get lost,
P-chan!” Ranma growled in annoyance as his lunch was interrupted. It was
something you learned upon casual association with the best martial artist in
“Honestly, Ranma!
Why do you two always fight?” Akane protested indignantly, words which would
initiate a cataclysmic series of events normally associated with that of a
collapsing star into a black hole, from which no sanity can escape. This
Nermian black hole had a tendency to suck in any matter within the immediate
vicinity, including, but not limited to other rivals and fiancées. And
everybody knows what’s at the heart of a black hole…
Chaos.
Also at the heart
of this mass of chaos was pressure. Pressure that affected the lives of
everybody caught within its influence and that that pressure was especially
great for Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo. Without this chaos, it was conceivable
that these two may have already been married. At very least openly affectionate
toward one another. But throw in two parents, one uninhibited Chinese Amazon,
another overbearing childhood friend turned fiancée, followed by a psychotic
stalker gymnast and you had the ingredients for a grade ‘A’ disaster. As if the
total lack of privacy, rivals and routine Invasion of the Akane Snatchers
weren’t enough.
Not that it was
simply everybody else’s fault that Ranma and Akane simply couldn’t get it
together. No, they had their own issues. Akane was stubborn and naturally
untrustworthy, having been scarred by a death and the activities of the hentai
horde of Furikan. This produced an ever present simmering cauldron of
malcontent which spilled all too easily onto the men in her life. Ranma was
also a project. The martial arts training since the age of five years old
wasn’t a large contributing factor in and of itself, but martial arts training
at the hands of his father was. By his hand, Ranma had developed the
social skills of a rock and a stubborn streak that dwarfed Akane’s tenfold.
Simply put, he could be a serious ass at times. That, and it never helped to
have a water based, gender changing curse. Both Tendo girl and Saotome boy were
intrinsically good people, they just desperately need to dump the matter-anti
matter baggage they toted through life.
That particular
day ended rather predictably. Ranma got glomped on, then proceeded to stick his
foot in his own mouth with an ill-advised comment concerning his fiancées,
which prompted the descriptive “jackass”. Therefore it came as no surprise when
an uppercut was applied to the martial artist’s chin that would have made any
number of Street Fighter cast proud. Ranma disappeared into a patented spiral
and leveled out a mere three hundred feet before beginning a decent that
deposited him squarely into a body of water under the management of a certain
turtle.
Mister turtle, that is.
“While
I am honored that you have come to profess your love to me, I must caution you
around my sister’s pet.” Kuno led the redhead into his mansion, having provided
her with a towel. “Fortunately, you are a nimble as you are beautiful!”
Ranma shook her
head. Deranged idiot. “Look Kuno. I’m not here for a date, so get yer hands off
of me.”
Kuno nodded, his
face hardening. “I see that Saotome’s magics still hold considerable sway! So
be it, I shall smite him next I see thee!”
“Alright, that’s
it. I’m gone.” Ranma threw the towel off and began to head toward the door… And
promptly got lost in the huge mansion. “Dammit, show me the door before a blast
my way out!”
“Why would thou
wish to leave my most noble presence?” He asked, totally oblivious as to the
stress he was causing.
“Why? WHY?”
Ranma’s temper spiraled out of control. Few would have believed what Ranma kept
bottled inside for the sake of everybody around him. She was sick of fiancées.
She was sick of meddling parents. She was sick of rivals. She was sick of Evil
Villains. Hell, he was getting sick of fighting in general. And the crap just
kept piling higher and higher and higher. Ranma needed an outlet at that very
moment, an outlet he could safely expend all her venom on without fear as to
who’s feelings she would destroy in the process..
Needless to say,
Tatewaki Kuno was a convenient target.
“Because you’re
like everybody else, that’s why!” The redhead exploded in a fury eclipsed
Akane’s by several magnitudes. “Can’t I have just one moment of peace without
somebody trying to marry me or fight me? Is that too much to ask? I don’t want
a date and I don’t want to get married… TO ANYBODY!” The kendoist looked as if
he were about to interject and she cut him off hard. “And YOU! You and your
damn sister are the worst of the bunch! ‘Pigtailed’ this and ‘goddess’ that!
Get it through you thick skull that there is no ‘foul sorceror’! He doesn’t
even enter into the picture!” Ranma ran out of breath and gulped down another,
her fury in fine form. “GODDAMMIT! WHY CAN’T ANYBODY JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL
ALONE?”
Kuno stepped back,
his eyes widening in shock. “I… I see.”
“No you don’t! You
never see! Nobody does! I’m engaged to three separate people for a total of five
who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer! Probably more, knowing ol’ Pops.” The anger
began to spin down as an empty feeling took its place. “Dammit, I just want
some peace.”
Tatewaki stared at
the object of his affections for a moment, then his chest puffed out. “Then
that you shall have, my pigtailed Goddess!” Her head snapped up, eying Kuno
dangerously. “My doors are open to you, day or night. I shall provide you with
a key as such.”
“I said I don’t
want no date, baka!” Ranma growled as she began to rapidly move into the
physical harm phase of her frustration.
“Nor shall this
arrangement be one.” The upperclassmen clarified in a statesman like manner.
“It hath become clear to me that an active woman such as thyself needs a place
of peace, an honor that would be mine to provide thee.”
Ranma’s eyes
narrowed on the kendoist as he had just accurately pushed the one hot button
that would give her pause in this situation. “Peace and quiet?”
“If that is your
desire, it shall be yours.”
Ranma chewed on
the idea some more. No. There’s no possible way it could work. But then… Nobody
would ever looked for her here. And even if he had to be a girl to do
it, a moment to herself was worth its weight in gold at this point. No, still
wouldn’t work. After all, there was exactly one fatal flaw in such a lofty
daydream… Kuno. Or Kunos, rather. Ah well. It was a nice idea while it lasted.
Regardless, her next words would have to be carefully spoken. After all, saying
‘no’ to a Kuno outright was like pouring gasoline on their delusional pyres.
“Ok, I’ll
stay….BUT,” Ranma tacked on the conditional before Kuno gush enthusiastically
concerning his good fortune. “If you so much as hang on me or ask me out on a
date, I’m gone. I ain’t your girl friend, so don’t go saying I am one. And keep
that sister of yours away from me.” There, Ranma smiled inwardly. There’s no
way he could possibly keep all those promi—
“Done.” Kuno
confirmed solemly, causing Ranma to blink furiously.
“What?” He… He
agreed!
“I see now that it
is not merely the Evil Saotome plaguing thee, but they obligations of thy
family.” Kuno gained a thoughtful look through the explanation. “Indeed, it is
something I have much experience with. That, and I shall not have such a
dishonor visit my name by driving you back into the Saotome’s bed.”
“You say another
word about Saotome or Sorcerer again, and I’m goner than gone.” Ranma growled.
“Verily, they hath
cause enough stress. I shalln’t cause any more by speaking of them.” The upper
class man acquiesced, mollifying Ranma somewhat.
“Then what about—“
“OOOOHH
HohohohohoHO!” The sound turned Ranma’s veins to ice. No. No WAY could she
deal with that woman right now. “I see my brother has finally ensnared another
woman with his charms, and so fortunate it should be you!”
Kodachi looked entirely
too smug. “He ain’t ensnared nothin'!”
“I shall allow
this arrangement, brother, as it suits my purposes grandly.” Now Ranma stared
at her in shock. Kuno, with his intimate knowledge of how his sister operated,
stood by warily. “While your choice in women leaves something to be desired, it
does leave the Stallion Ranma all to myself! OH HOHOHohohohOOHO!” The black
haired girl’s ever present gymnastics ribbon snapped out and Ranma’s hand moved
to intercept it, instead catching a solid object between her fingers. A key?
“Do not journey into the east wing pigtailed one, or it could mean your life!”
With that final warning, the gymnast spun around and erupted into a flurry of
black rose pedals, vanishing from sight.
Ranma stared at
the key, then Kuno himself, unsure as to whether she should be happy to have
Kodachi out of her hair or steamed that she was just mistaken as Kuno’s
girlfriend.
“So
who else knows?” Nabiki questioned the couple before Kuno could hand the
telling off to Ranma.
Ranma shrugged.
“Ko-chan... I think Kasumi suspects.”
“Ko-chan?” Nabiki
cocked her head and Ranma slightly, but refused to drop any hints. “Ko-chan,
Ko-chan, KODACHI!” She about choked on the drink she had been nursing. Ranma’s
smile widened. “You actually became friends with her? How many times has
she tried to drug you?”
“More times than I
can count.” Ranma stated without hostility. “But once she no longer saw me as
competition it just happened over time. Definitely not over night, mind you. I
retained peasant status with her for quite some time after that in her eyes.”
The middle sister
rubbed her temples as if to ward off a headache. Her world was changing so
quickly it boggled the mind. “How could I have not seen it coming?”
“Aw, don’t beat
yourself up too badly.” Ranma sympathized. “If I don’t wanna be followed by
your people, I ain’t gonna be followed. As for Tachi here…”
“…I know many of
your associates on a first name basis, Miss Tendo.” Kuno let a slight smile of
his own lips. “Money buys silence as well as information, a fact I am sure you
are well acquainted with.”
“You’ve been
buying my people off?” It wasn’t that outlandish a concept, but…but...
“A trivial task
with my financial reserves.” Kuno confirmed and the fact deflated Nabiki
visibly. She had been played, and it was a numbing realization.
“When did he get
so… so calculated?’” She turned to Ranma, who chuckled in turn.
“Since we started
hangin’ out to together, of course.” The redhead replied, to which Kuno agreed.
“I ain’t the most well-read person in the world or Kuno the sanest, but we
kinda balance each other out.”
“Well, you are one
of the more sane people I’ve met, Saotome, even if your life is totally insane.”
Ranma and Kuno stared at Nabiki. “What, aren’t I allowed to compliment somebody
occasionally?”
“Not without
charging ‘em.” Ranma commented dryly.
Nabiki let the
remark slide. “Fine then, I’ll put it on your tab. Happy?”
“Better.” Kuno
replied, and the trio ordered drinks as Ranma continued the story.
There
were many events that bore a close resemblance to The Second Wedding, namely
those associated with The Second Impact, giant mecha and mass destruction.
While no Angels came into play during the second attempt to wed Ranma and
Akane, fiancées and rivals did. How did such a joyous occasion result in eight
square blocks of ruined Nermian suburb? The answer is quite simple…
Parents.
Well, one parent
actually. The likely suspects were Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome, whose
incessant interference into their children’s lives usually did more to push the
couple apart than bring them closer. This time around, however, there was a God
in heaven and he blessed them with a clue. Sure, they were still the catalyst
for the events, but once they began to take shape, they did what many believed
to be impossible… They backed off, giving Akane and Ranma some much needed
space. Even Nabiki learned from the last time around, though her lesson was
more one focusing on profit vs. property damage. She had meddled the last time
for personal gain and it blew up in her face spectacularly. Sure, the initial
monetary gains were outstanding… Until she began running up the damage tally.
With the dojo solidly in the red, Nabiki was found kicking herself for nearly a
month afterwards.
The fiancées had
been quiet too, at least at first. Ranma had made the rounds and ‘settled up’
weeks before the event. The Amazon contingent wasn’t pleased, but then there
wasn’t anything they could really do about it. While Cologne had been the most
cunning person he’d ever met, she was also logical to the point of ruthlessness
and held no illusions as to what would happen if they forced Ranma “God-slayer”
Saotome’s hand. Shampoo hadn’t been happy about it, but once she saw her great
grandmother- the unflinching pillar –fold, she knew it was over. Regardless,
Cologne was more than happy to petition Ranma to be a tribal ally, which he
accepted with provisions to continue in the Amazon arts.
Ukyo was the
easiest of the trio. She had known in her gut that this day had been a long
time in coming, being one of the most rational fiancées in waiting for Ranma.
It was was a tough evening when he made his rounds to her, but it was also a
two-ton weight lifted off both their chests. The fact that Ranma vowed to repay
her dowry also went along way toward thinning any bad blood that might have
resulted. Steps had been taken via Nabiki to ensure that the Kuno’s remained in
the dark about the wedding. She’d been unwilling to perform the service at
first until forcefully reminded that she owed not only her future brother
in-law a wedding that she was in-part responsible for destroying, but her sister
as well. Thus “persuaded”, she commended Operation Take-Out, ensuring that the
Kuno’s would be stuck home all day receiving food delivery from nearly every
establishment in Nerima. That, and Nodoka's ever-present katana was always a
healthy motivator to help out.
No, this time the
tactical Nuclear weapon that would turn the second wedding into ground zero
came from a most unexpected direction…
The guests were
getting seated when Ranma and Akane were beckoned over by his mother. Behind
her sat Soun and Genma, both with wide grins plastered across their face. No
doubt, that had something to do with the large bottle of saki on the table.
Still, Ranma noted they were behaving, so what the hell. Nodoka Saotome was
positively beaming now that part of her dream was about to be realized. With
any luck, the other part would be realized nine months from now. She considered
the young couple thoughtfully. No, she wasn’t about to leave such an important
matter as her son's manliness and grandchildren to chance. If there was one
thing she knew about her child and his betrothed, it was that they weren’t at
that point yet. They were friends. Almost good friends. But that spark wasn’t
there yet; the spark that would complete her dream of motherhood. But Nodoka
knew how to ignite that spark and get exactly what she wanted in the process…
Competition.
“What’s up, Mom?”
Ranma smiled warmly at his mother. After all, there was nothing to fear from
this particular parent. The seppuku contract had been fulfilled and he had been
proclaimed a manly man, even as a woman. Ok, so sometimes she tried to engage
him in girl training, but other than that, she was pretty harmless compared to
the Old Man, who had been amazingly well behaved as of late. Even so, both
Akane and Ranma eyed him warily. You just never knew…
“I would like to
introduce you to somebody.” She stated with a smile and both were curious now as
a girl with long brown hair joined the trio. She was clothed in a blue and
black ceremonial kimono, had deep brown eyes and a more than satisfactory
figure, had Ranma been shopping around. Of course, hadn’t been shopping around
for the last three years. “This is Yumei Ikari.” The three exchanged polite
bows. Friend of the family? “She is to be your mistress, Son.”
Anybody within
nominal earshot either choked, fell face first into the floor or was forced to
pick their jaws up off the ground in utter disbelief.
“M-M-M-MISTRESS!”
Anybody who hadn’t heard the word before certainly hear it this time as Ranma
gibbered wildly. Akane was now glowing a rosy shade of pink.
“Of course,
Ranma.” Nodoka Saotome explained, as if such events were perfectly natural. “I
cannot expect merely Akane to sate the manly urges of my son, so Miss
Ikari and I have come to an arrangement.” Yumei inclined her head slightly in
agreement. Her cheeks weren’t nearly as pink as Akane’s and she held her eyes
on the pigtailed suitor confidently. “Besides, you don’t expect Akane to
satisfy your needs when she is eight months pregnant and nursing, do you?”
“MOM!” The ruckus
had gathered a small crowd now, including fiancées and friends. “What are you
DOING!”
“RANMA? What the
HELL is going ON!” Akane, who had managed a level of serenity previously
unheard of, snapped violently. Ranma winced, then turned back to his mother and
the girl.
“No way, Mom! This
is crazy!” He stepped up to the pair and Ranma’s mother retained her ineffable
calm.
Nodoka waved the
protest away with a flick of her hand. “Nonsense. I will not have my manly son
wait for his wife to come around on his wedding night… Unless you plan on
bedding with him tonight, daughter in-law?”
Logical thought
was rapidly becoming a commodity in Akane Tendo’s brain as the wedding
pressures they were so desperate to avoid crashed down upon them from a totally
unexpected angle. “HELL NO!” The background chatter began to pick up in volume
as events spiraled desperately out of control
“Aiyaaah, Kitchen
Destroyer not consummate marriage?”
“My Ran-chan won’t
have a cold bed tonight, Sugar.”
“Ranma, you had better
not be breaking Akane’s heart!”
Truth be told,
Ranma and Akane were perfectly fine with this arrangement. Neither was quite
ready to go “there” yet and both agreed that they would marry to satisfy honor
first, where upon they could grow into their new lives naturally. Obviously,
Mother had other ideas.
“Then it is
settled.” Nodoka decided with certainty. “Honor will be satisfied, the schools
will be joined, Ranma will be able spend his wedding night properly and I’ll
have my grand babies.”
“No! No! No! NO!”
Ranma fumed now. “Ain’t gonna happen!”
“NO WAY!” Akane
was much further along on the rage curve than Ranma. “I’m not entering into
such… such a PERVERTED marriage!”
Genma and Soun put
their glasses down and stepped up beside Nodoka. They had been content to steer
clear of Nodoka’s plans, but now a threat loomed they could no longer ignore.
“Boy, you will marry Akane!”
“Like hell I
will!” Ranma snapped. “Not like that!” Soun tagged in at that moment.
“Akane, honor must
be satisfied!” he stated firmly. “You will marry Ranma right this instant!”
“You’re all
crazy!” Akane bit back, and Nodoka’s gaze hardened on them both.
“If you will not
marry my son, then I will be forced to switch the engagement.” She stated with
an edge of steel in her voice. “Kasumi, Nabiki. Come here.”
Her voice left
very little room for negotiation and the two sisters hesitantly stepped
forward. “MOM, YOU CAN’T DO THIS!” He looked from the parents, to Akane, who
was now visibly glowing red with rage.
“Hush, child. This
is for your own good.” Nodoka rebuked, then turned to the sisters. ”Which Tendo
would like to step forward and claim my son’s hand?”
Ranma looked at
Akane and she back at him. In that single moment, through both anger and
incredulity, they knew it. All hope for a normal life had just died in the
shared space between them, and with it, something more. It was time to end it
this farce. Ranma’s mouth opened, but his final ultimatum was preempted.
“Aiyah! Engagement
to kitchen destroyer off!” The bubbly Amazon bounded forward to claim her
prize. “Now free to marry Shampoo!”
A combat spatula
halted her advance as it bit into the ground in front of her. “If Ran-chan is
getting married today, it’s going to be to me!”
Two short swords
whistled by Ranma’s head and the martial aritist weaved to the side, as they
cleaved the wedding cake in half. Fitting symbolism, Ranma thought as his world
continued to crumble around him. “How dare you try to reclaim Shampoo,
Saotome!” Another sword sprang from Mousse’s white robe and the two engaged.
Ryoga took one
look at the tears falling from Akane’s eyes and his anger soared out of control.
Ranma’s life had hurt the person he now considered his sister again, and
he broke free of Akari’s grasp, determined to visit justice on the Saotome.
“DAMN YOU, RANMA! Stop making her cry!”
And with that
proclamation, the Second Wedding was crushed under a storm of ki, melee
weaponry and best of intentions.
It
was like any other day for Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts. It was a day full of property damage, rivals and fiancées; the
latter two sparing no hesitation in chasing him around the quaint little suburb
of Nerima in order to either marry him or kill him. He even had a mistress
chasing him now, of all things. There was only one minor problem with this
seemingly normal day, and that was that it was supposed to be far from normal.
It was supposed to
have been his wedding day.
And hers,
Ranma revised silently as he abandoned the street and fled into a side ally to
bleed off pursuit. His mind was still numb with the fact that his mother—His
very own mother!—had just thrown him to the wolves and destroyed EVERYTHING
they had worked so hard to achieve in the name of her twister vision of
manliness! Dammit! Why couldn’t they just leave them alone? He had the fiancées
locked down. The fathers were behaving themselves for once. Akane was willing.
And who is the one that comes along and sabotages everything? Mom and her
goddamn mistress! The martial artist turned another blind corner and leaped
strait up, landing on the rooftop. More pursuers were suckered off and he was
down to the Wrecking Crew core that continued to dog his trail.
They would take a
bit more to lose, Ranma knew. This was a game every player was used to and
after over two years of playing it, the one thing he could not afford to do was
be caught by any one of them. First, to be caught by one was to be caught by every
one of them. But there was a second, more important reason to evade them… He
was in serious doubt of his self control at the moment. In fact, he was certain
that if confronted, somebody would get hurt. Possibly even one of the girls.
Badly. He was staving off the crushing pressure of depression, but only barely.
He needed time and privacy and if he didn’t get either in sufficient quantities
to sort himself out soon, the results would be… Catastrophic.
SPalloooOOSh!
Ranma barely
noticed the transformation as she automatically adjusted her new body’s center
of gravity and balance. The cold water siphoned away a fraction of the
depression-leadened haze her brain was operating in and a stray thought pierced
the fog. Kuno. It had been roughly a month since he had made the offer,
and she had never seriously thought about taking him up on it. Until today.
Right now privacy and peace were worth more to the redheaded martial artist
than her weight in gold. Nobody, but NOBODY would check his house. She’d
have to duck past the dojo to pick up the key, but if Kuno was good to his
word... And if not, he’d be the first to suffer when she snapped.
Her course
decided, Ranma initiated her father’s forbidden technique and vanished.
“I
hath already told thee that we did not order this food!” Tatewaki Kuno fumed at
yet another delivery boy trying to collect money from him. His sister stepped
up beside him in an elegant black ballroom dress strewn with embroidered roses.
“Do not insult
us!” Kodachi snapped at the boy, who was now cringing. “We would not touch
any food not served by an establish not rated at least five stars, let
alone this.” Her disdain for the food in question was clearly evident.
The door slammed and the boy thanked God that he had escaped unscathed.
Tatewaki shook his
head as the pair trudged back into the heart of the mansion. “There is definite
strangeness afoot today, little sister. I suspect evil forces have aligned
against the House of Kuno!”
“Truly, Brother. I
suspect it is the pigtailed harlot!” Kodachi nodded.
“Nay, it must be
the foul sorcerer Saotome!” Tatewaki countered, and the two stopped short,
glaring at one another.
“The Harlot!”
“The Sorcerer!”
“The Harlot!”
“The Sorcerer!”
Brother and Sister
pressed toward one another, nose to nose. An electric spark danced violently
between them as both refused to yield an inch from the respective, if deluded,
positions. Sasuke shook his head as he watched from a concealed position. Well,
they’re going to have to know eventually… The diminutive ninja faded into view
beside the siblings, who had yet to notice him.
“Ahem.” Bother
refused to back down from their staring contest, so he just told them from his
kneeling position. “Master, you have a guest.”
Tatewaki blinked,
and found the kneeling ninja. “A guest? For I was just at the door, how is this
so?” Kodachi was now smug with victory, yet she was curious as well.
“She used
the back door.”
It only took the
upperclassman a moment to realize the implication and his eyes lit up. “My
Pigtailed Goddess!”
“She has come to
gloat!” Kodachi’s reaction was her brother’s polar opposite.
“Where is thee
maiden?” It was a legitimate question as the mansion was absolutely huge.
“Guest room
twelve, Master Kuno.” Then he paused. “She is… unwell.”
Tatewaki was off
like a shot down the hallway, his sister close behind for an entirely different
reason. Intimately familiar with the mansion, they found guest room twelve
easily. The kendoist’s hand wrapped around the doorknob and hesitated. Sobbing
could be heard through the door itself. He opened the door gently and there she
was at the center of the lavishly furnished room on the main couch, curled into
a ball and sobbing. The new draft created by the open door snapped her
attention up and her tear strewn eyes locked onto the boy. He watched as their
emptiness was quickly replaced by a towering inferno.
“GET OUT!” The
redhead shriek, lunging for the nearest solid object not nailed down. “YOU
PROMISED ME SOME DAMN PRIVACY! SO GET THE F&$& OUT! NOW! AAHHHHAARR!”
Her grasp found the end table lamp and it went sailing. Tatewaki yanked the
door closed just as the lamp shattered against the opposite side with a broken
thud. Another followed closely after the first, causing the siblings to wince.
The two looked at one another and there was a silence, followed by the renewal
of sobbing moments later.
“Perhaps I shall
let the harlot be for now.” Kodachi arched an eyebrow at the spectacular
display of rage.
“As I.” Her
brother agreed, then gained a thoughtful look. “Sasuke!”
The cat-faced
ninja appeared beside Kuno as if teleported there. “Yes, Master?”
“Intercept any
sustenance bearers before they reach the front door.” He commanded. “Pay them a
fair amount befitting a Kuno and send them on their way. I’ll not have
bickering or the incessant ringing of a doorbell disturb my Goddess in such a
state.”
“It shall be done,
Master Kuno.”
Ranma
stepped into a sparsely appointed room, that, while obviously large and
spacious was understated when compared to the rest of the house. It reminded
Ranma of a dojo given the minimal distractions and soothing earth tones. An
orchestral piece played in the background and Ranma found her vision settling on
the boy at the room’s center—Tatewaki Kuno, painting on a canvas, of all
things. Kuno? Paints? The kendoist noticed a change and looked up to find the
redhead watching him from the doorway.
Tatewaki Kuno
gazed on the object of his a affections for a moment before noticing the
details. Ranma's eyes were nearly as red as her hair, which stood to reason
given the fact that she had been crying for the last two hour. Likewise, her
clothing was complete disheveled, as if she had ran a marathon or enraged in some
form of violent activity... Or both.
“Er...um... Sorry
about the lamp.” She began, shifting uncomfortably. Sure, this was Kuno and no,
they weren't the best of friends, but that didn't give her any right to just
chuck stuff around, Ranma figured, especially after having accepted his
invitation. That, and the lamp hadn't been the only thing destroyed. Guest room
twelve had some serious remodeling scheduled for it in the near future.
Tatewaki looked on
a moment longer before speaking. “Verily, they are but possessions and compare
naught to your well being.” He paused once more to size up the redhead. “May I
inquire thee as to what has so unsettled, my pigtailed Goddess?”
On any other day,
that question would have earned the kendoist a sharp rebuke, if not a severe
pounding. Today, however, was the worst days of Ranma's life. The battle with
Saffron had come close, but he had helped Akane back from the abyss and won.
Today, Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything goes school of martial arts had lost.
Three years of bitter rivalries, relationships and madness all for nothing
as that unspoken truth passed silently between the bride and groom to be. They
would never have peace or understanding, and each knew in that moment even a
wedding wouldn't change things. They would always be at the mercy of their
parent's manipulations. Now life as she had known it for so long had fallen
apart, and the man who stood against the world didn't have a single shoulder to
lean on or an ear to sympathize with.
...Not even her
own mother.
“If it was the
foul--” Kuno's grousing was interrupted as Ranma snapped back.
“It wasn't
Ranma, 'kay!” Kuno simply nodded. “It was my damn parents! They ruined
everything!”
“What did they do,
pray tell?”
In that moment,
Ranma totally forgot her current gender as the pain resurfaced in its entirety.
“They tried to fix me up with a mistress! A damn MISTRESS if you can believe
it! They ruined it for both Akane and me! Always interfering in every $&
thing we do! I'm sick of it!”
Kuno bolted
upright at this new tidbit of information. “Truly? They would force you to
engage in unnatural relations with another? I would not suspect such madness
would grip a family as throughly as it has my own!”
“Damn right!”
Ranma continued heedlessly. ”And Akane too! I swear they're absolutely
determined to ruin our lives! I must have no less than three separate
engagements because of my Pop, who won't give us a moment's peace. And that's
not counting Akane's father always harpin' on her!” She thumped the plush chair
with her fist. “And then my own MOTHER pulls this mistress crap on one of the
most important days of my life!”
Kuno walked up to
the redhead took her hand, grasping it within his. The only reason she didn't
lay him out right then and there was that there was something more to it than
his unstable desire. His own eyes spoke of something else... Understanding. “I
know what thou art going through because I have been there many a time.” He
stated with seriousness. “All know the Kunos by our fearsome reputation, of
course, but our family has suffered a great malady for generations.”
Ranma noted his
serious mask and couldn't help but to ask. “And what... 'Malady' is that?”
“Insanity!”
The redhead shot
offered him a dry look. “You don't say.”
“I ask your
confidence in this delicate matter, my Goddess.” Tatewaki continued with all
the gravity of a black hole. “Would people find out about this hereditary
condition, it might cause them to view the great House of Kuno in a manner of
bias.”
“Doubt it.”
“Your confidence
in our most noble family name is reassuring.” Kuno nodded. “But be that as it
may, I know what thou art suffering though. I must be ever on guard against my
own father and sister and their petty scheming. More than once such
interference has brought ruin to my own life.”
For a moment,
Ranma's own pain eased slightly as curiosity captured her. There was no doubt
that the upperclassman's hold on reality was still tenuous at best, but there
was also no doubt as to the fires he had been through, and they were most
similar to the ones she was experiencing at that very moment. “How did you...
Um, cope.” Ranma almost kicked herself for asking such a silly question.
Obviously he had gone mad. Even so, she wanted to hear the answer from his own
lips, especially after a day like today. What he said probably wouldn't even
matter... Just the fact that he was the sole ear in her life at the moment was
what the important thing..
“Truly there are
days all seems it seems hopeless.” Kuno was looking at her, but not truly
seeing her. His gaze bore through her and into the space beyond. “but then I
remember my friends and loves of my life. Among the most important of those are
thee and Akane Tendo.”
The redhead's
thoughts seemed to momentarily stumble. Akane and herself she could understand,
even if neither had ever returned even the remotest sense of affection for the
Kuno. Even that sent a slight pang of guilt through her. But Kuno didn't have
any friend. He had acquaintances at best, and that circle didn't realistically
include Ranma or Akane regardless what his psychosis told him. Come to think of
it, she was pretty damn shy on friends herself. “So who else do you consider...
Your friend?”
“I would say the
Nabiki Tendo has seen me through many a troubled time.” Kuno stated, and Ranma
nearly fell over.
“She charges you
for everything.” Ranma pointed out. Hell, she charges everybody for
everything.
“It is a but a
mask, my beauticious one.” Kuno explained the world as he knew it. “Her line of
work requires such, but I have never known her to be anything less than fair
and understanding.”
Ranma blinked. Okaaaay.
I think that's enough of those questions. Though the answers had been
outlandish, they had succeeded in putting a dent in her depression, if only
because it was incredulity replacing it. That, and there was the fact that she
had somebody to spill her guts to and somebody who had apparently been
through similar circumstance. She could almost even face the outside world
again. In fact, it was probably best she did. Couldn't leave Akane to face the
wolves by herself for too long, regardless of what the future held for them
...Or didn't hold. “Um, thanks for the hospitality, Kuno, but I can't impose on
ya any--”
“Nonsense.” he cut
her off abruptly. “You will stay for dinner.”
“I will?” It was
another bit of the kendoist that rocketed past her normally raised defenses
thanks to the days' strain.
“Indeed! For some
reason we have run afoul the food service industry this day and have plenty to
spare.” Ranma barely suppressed a flinch. Not that she'd know anything
about that, no sir.
“Um, couldn't you
just turn em away?” She inquired, another pang of guilt crawling through her
stomach.
“Such
disagreements would have assuredly disturbed the peace you sought.” Kuno
explained as they now stepped from his painting room to the main dining room,
where stacks of food sat. “Nay, I could not allow such. I surely cannot eat so
much and my sister will not touch it.”
Two concepts
promptly asserted themselves in Ranma Saotome's mind: Guilt and hunger. It was
surprising how well the two meshed together. There was a third that swam below
the surface, content to remain out of sight, and it was the desire to retreat
from the horrible life she had just taken refuge from. The decision was a
remarkably easy one to make.
“Aw, what the
hell. Let's dig in.”
“Yeah,
I pretty much figured that was the beginning.” Nabiki sighed as they broke in
introspection. “It was either that or the dragon mistress what's-her-name.”
“Onyixa.” Ranma
stated, leaning into Tatewaki's arms. Dragon girl just happened to be one of
the few kidnappers to frequent Nerima with an interest in Ranma himself and not
his fiancée. Scratch that, Nabiki amended. Ex-fiancée. It had been one
of the more surreal kidnappings, if only because nobody but the fiancées wanted
to really go after Ranma. The cajoling of the various factions to aid in his
rescue was an endlessly amusing process and when a rescue party was finally
assembled, it was surprised by Ranma stepping through the dojo doorway, having
rescued himself.
“So what are you
going to do about your mother?” Nabiki asked with a nonchalant wave of her
hand. “Hell, what are you going to do about Akane? And the Amazons...
And Ukyo... I stand to make a tidy sum off of this.”
“If we let you.”
Tatewaki stated evenly and Nabiki blanched, unused to Kuno actually being
assertive. While she held an undoubtedly large sphere of influence, it was
tough to compete with somebody with substantial cash reserves and who had a
father that basically owned the school. Part of her profession was recognizing
that thin line in just how far you could push people, and it seemed Tatewaki
was finally realizing the exact boundaries of that line instead of continually
allowing himself to be pushed across it.
“It ain't that
bad, Tachi.” Ranma pointed out, looking up at her boyfriend. ”Might be able to
help with damage control.” Nabiki nodded in agreement, seeing the glimmer of
profit still salvagable. Kuno didn't exactly look thrilled, but remained
silent.
“Oh yeah, speaking
of Akane...”
Author's
notes: Was
originally planning one large story, but my fiancée is coming from
TriMatter has been a great sounding
board for this story and has helped make it a better one overall. There's no
way I could walk away without giving credit where credit is due, and he's
definitely helped polish this work. And if you haven't read his stuff, I'd
encourage you to do so. NOW.