I want to keep looking at you

I walk. I look at my feet moving, one in front of the other on top of
the wired fence. Then I look to my right and see the water moving
past me; it's actually me that's moving. 

We're walking back from school. I see you on the ground, walking
a little ahead of me. You're still mad at me. I want to say something
that will make things better. I've thought about it for some time 
now; I still haven't found the words I wanna say. Actually, I don't
know what I wanna to say. I wonder why it is so difficult to get 
closer to you. When I think that we're getting along, that 
everything's going fine, something goes... wrong.

It's so frustrating sometimes I want to give up. But I know why I 
keep trying; it's no use denying it anymore, because I love you. I 
realized that a long time ago. I still can't say it to you. I guess
I'm scared you don't love me back. I think about Shampoo, Ukyou 
and... Kodachi. They all say they love me, yet I keep trying to get
to you...

Sometimes you're nice to me. I smile at the memory of your smile.
Your smile is one of the reasons I keep trying... guess I'm not 
trying hard enough. But why should I be the only one trying? You turn
around to face me and my recently formed frown disappears. I stop 
walking. Then you approach me; you don't take your eyes off me. I 
can't take my eyes off you.

"I'll help you with your math homework today... but I'm still mad at
you."

Then you turn around and keep walking. What? I remember the 
assignment. I really didn't think I could do it when the teacher
told us about it. I remember I looked at you and you were already
looking at me. You hmmphed and looked away. I wondered what kind of 
face I had had when I heard the assignment, because your expression
had been kind of amused and... worried?

Yeah, you are nice to me sometimes. I decide I should start walking
again, you are quite far now and I want to keep looking at you the 
rest of the way home. Tomboy.

Thursday Dec 7/2000