Introduction to the archive version:

     This novella was written and posted on FFML in 1997. Other than
this commentary, and the excision of certain explanatory notes that
are revised here, I have left the text pretty much as it was in the
original posting.  Back in 1997, the particular dilemma Ranma-chan
faces in this story had not been conspicuously covered. If it seems
too obvious and unoriginal now, I can only hope that such was not the
case six years ago. Were I to write this fanfic now, I would leave
it out, but in the extant version it is a plot element not easily
removed.

All characters you recognize in this fanfic copyright Rumiko 
Takahashi or (in case of cameos) whoever else owns them. Everything
is used without permission or license, but no challenge to copyright
is intended. Keiichi Kuno, "Farmer Goro,"  and "martial arts poetry"
are created by me. 

The characters and the comedic style of this work are more like the
anime than the manga, except for Gosunkugi (who is only mentioned
in passing). Those of you who hate the ninja Sasuke, my apologies
for his presence. He sucks in the anime, but I tried to make better
use of him here than was generally the case.

Cousin Kuno

A Ranma 1 / 2  Fan Fiction

by Matt Posner

Chapter 1

     "You cannot know," said Tatewaki Kuno, "how love consumes
me. My soul is ablaze! Lo! The winds play a brutal, brittle melody
on the strings of my heart! My eyes are blinded with blazing 
reflection upon the fair forms of my two beloved! All too often I 
cannot see where I am going;  oh! My loves! I follow wheresoever
you lead me,  and..."

     His eyes cleared long enough for him to see that he was talking
to a train conductor, a middle aged man in a dark blue uniform,
with a blue cap, white whiskers, and a bent back.

     "I'm married," said the conductor as he edged away. "You crazy
kid!"

     I must have help, Tatewaki said to himself. I must have help,
or my love shall destroy me! The images of Akane Tendo and the 
Pig-tailed Girl did their usual dance before his eyes. Before they
had removed all their clothing, however, a loud crash nearby him just
barely dissolved their image and captured his attention. Blinking,
he saw on the concrete floor of the railway platform before him a 
slender wavy-haired boy, nearly his height, and dressed in an 
identical gi, except that, in place of a bokken, the boy carried
a rolled-up scroll at his belt. Despite the rapidly fading bruises
on the boy's face, Tatewaki could recognize the rugged good looks
that marked the boy as a Kuno-as his cousin, Keiichi. Behind Keiichi
stood two large dark suitcases.

     "You are hurt, cousin," said Tatewaki. "Show me the miscreant
who has injured you so, and I shall be revenged upon him."

     "Nay," replied Keiichi, springing to his feet. "Do not be 
troubled, cousin Tatewaki, for still I am well. I have merely tripped
over a concealed ninja; but this is no great hardship, and I forgive
the stout fellow. It is good to see you, wise cousin!" They shook
hands.

     "Sasuke!" Tatewaki shouted.  His personal ninja, probably
the culprit, was nowhere in sight-not that Tatewaki would want any 
ninja of his to be so unskilled as to be visible in public. "Take
my cousin's bags to the carriage!"

     After some violent squeaking and grunting, the rabbit-faced
Sasuke melted out of the pavement beneath the smaller of the two 
bags, lifted the bag, and staggered forward, only to fall abruptly
into an open manhole. "Sorry, master!" he shrieked as he fell.

     "Gladly came I, cousin," said Keiichi Kuno, "abandoning
my solitary reflections upon the distant hills of  Hokkaido, when I 
received word of your distress!" He took up the other suitcase
and started forward. Tatewaki followed. "For indeed is family the 
very staff of life, the..."

     His voice trailed away. Tatewaki heard a shriek of pain from 
underfoot. He looked down and saw Sasuke pancaked beneath his toes
in a mass of dark water. He looked up and saw a narrow opening and 
sunlight.

     "What is this place?" said Tatewaki. "Ah! I know. I have fallen
into the pit of my own longing and despair! No wonder all is dark!"

     "Master!" Sasuke groaned. "We're in the sewer. Ohhh, ohh, the 
pain, the pain."

     "Cousin!" Keiichi shouted from above. Tatewaki saw his face 
framed in the dim circle of sunlight overhead. "Are you well? For 
even as I spoke, you seemed to vanish as does a mist cut away by the
sunlight."

     A short while later, Tatewaki and his cousin were riding for 
home in the Kuno family carriage. Aside from the ninjas, they would
be alone for a while, long enough for Tatewaki to open his heart to 
his cousin. Principal Kuno was in Hawaii, and Kodachi had taken 
advantage of her father's absence to take a vacation of her own..

     The two cousins spoke little until they had arrived at 
Tatewaki's walled-in home and lay soaking in the house hot springs.
Tatewaki rid himself of the smell of the sewer, and Keiichi of the 
odor of train oil and sweat. Already Keiichi's bruises, incurred
during his fall, were entirely gone. Tatewaki thought such quick 
healing uncanny; his cousin indeed had gained mystical powers from
his profession.

     "I can no longer bear it," Tatewaki said. His cousin nodded.
"I must have them both!" He explained further. He sent a ninja to 
bring a few of his life-sized posters of both his loves. Staring
at the photographs, he forgot for a time where he was as his eyes 
caressed every drop of glistening sweat on the sleeping face of the
pig-tailed girl as she curled upon on her mat, every tight cord of 
muscle in Akane Tendo's wrist as she stood poised to smash a cinder
block. He remembered where he was only when Keiichi rapped sharply
on his head.

     "Cousin," said Keiichi, "I will reply to you as best I can, but
if you listen not, you will become indeed so lost as you now wrongly
suppose yourself to be. Allow me to help you, good cousin. With my 
assistance, you will woo both these women. For am I not ... Keiichi
Kuno, master of all poets? What words I wing, to her ears will sing;
and I also do parties."

Chapter Two

     Soun Tendo sat cross-legged on the dojo mat, looking sadly at 
the faces of a half-dozen bright-eyed teenage boys in matching
gis. Most of these boys were slightly underweight or overweight,
but it was too early for this to be a problem. They were only 
beginning their training. He felt tears well up in his eyes. To be 
teaching again! He had not had students since... since... He burst
out crying. "Thank you!" he said to his students as tears rained
from his eyes. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

     One of the students, a thin boy missing a few teeth, stood.
"Er..." he said. "Sorry to bother you, sir, but is the sensei 
coming?"

     "I'm the sensei!" Soun shouted. He looked around quickly to be 
sure Happosai wasn't nearby to argue with him. But no, that was 
impossible. There was a women's undergarments convention in Yokohama.
Steady, Soun, he told himself. Gradually he cleared his head of 
tears, and slowly he came to his feet, trying to show a martial
artist's grace. He kept his face calm. Sounds of loud crashing
and shouting in the back yard threatened to distract him; he forced
the noises out of his consciousness, closed his eyes and took a deep
breath before speaking to the students.

     When he opened his eyes, they were all gone. Trying still to 
breathe slowly, he walked out of the dojo into the yard. The students
were huddled together watching a fight. Soun heard "Wow!" and "Look
at that!"

     Ranma-in girl form---was chasing her father in panda form back
and forth across the yard. Seeing Soun, Genma lumbered past him into
the dojo, holding a sign that said "What did I do?" Soun realized
this was not one of their ordinary training fights; his services
as a peacemaker were needed. He stepped into Ranma-Chan's path, 
holding out his hand, and said, "Stop!"

     A moment later he was on his back. The crashing sounds were now
coming from the dojo. His students were standing around him looking
wide-eyed at him.

     "Is that a footprint there on your face, sensei?" asked a 
student.

     "Hey, are you okay?"

     "We will hold our first training session outside," Soun said.
He edged over to the dojo and shut the door on the carnage inside.

     "What's going on?" the students said to themselves. One of them
said, "I thought Akane Tendo lived here."

     Soun took the students through some stretching, breathing,
and introductory katas, ignoring the rumbling, shouting, and flying
wood coming from the dojo. Then, finally, the door came open, and 
Ranma-Chan burst out. "That'll teach you!" she shouted through the 
open door. There was no reply.

     "For heaven's sake," Soun said, "what did he do?"

     "I hate that smacking noise he makes when he chews!" Ranma-Chan
shrieked. "You wanna make something of it?" She stormed inside.

     "Thank the gods Akane isn't home," Soun said. Somehow he got  
his students' attention and completed the lesson. As they filed out
through the front gate, Nabiki was waiting to collect the pay. Soun
walked through the dining room, stepping over the broken furniture
and crockery. Kasumi was sweeping up more such wreckage in the hall.

     "What's the matter with Ranma?" Soun asked his daughter.

     "I don't know, father," Kasumi said, "but our hot water heater
is broken again, and they won't let Ranma into the public baths since
the last time he went there with Happosai. So he's been stuck in girl
form all day."

     "But he's used to that," Soun said to himself. Anyway, there
were still plenty of tea kettles around. He went to the bathroom
to wash his face; the door was locked.

     "Go away!" Ranma-Chan shouted from inside.

     Soun went out to the front gate to see Nabiki. "Do you know 
what's bothering Ranma?" he asked.

     "She's been in the bathroom all day, except for breakfast,"
Nabiki said. "She's shouting at everyone about the smallest things.
Figure it out, dad. Remember when Akane did that?"

     "Er," said Soun, "on which occasion? There've been so many, 
I...."

     "When she was eleven, dad. Remember, she hit the meter reader
with a table because she said he was listening to her breathe?"

     "But that was the day she... she..."

     "The day she became a woman, dad," Nabiki said. "Ranma's having
her period. She must have gotten stuck in girl form on the wrong day,
and probably for the first time. Naturally she's not too happy about
it."

     Soun felt the shock of dirt and grass striking his face as the
startling news deprived him of his sense of balance. He realized,
fuzzily at first, that Ranma couldn't risk changing back to a boy if
this was happening:  who know what would happen to his insides?
But on the other hand, who knew what violent acts he would commit
until it was safe for him to change back-and who knew what would 
happen if he met the most violent person he knew? "We've got to keep
Ranma and Akane apart!" Soun mumbled.

Chapter Three

     "Why must we hide?" Tatewaki demanded of his cousin. They were
crouched behind a bush. "I would speak openly to Akane of my love!"
Akane and two school friends were sitting at a park picnic bench 
across the street, laughing together.

     "Nay, Tatewaki," said Keiichi. "The time for this is not yet 
nigh. First, we must study her, to learn how best to approach her.
Though greatly you admire her physical form, and her fighting spirit,
as much you have told me in these last hours, you must divine also
her spirit in repose. Know her habits, that you may turn such 
knowledge to your advantage. Ah! Who is that fellow who now 
approaches her? Methinks we may learn from his efforts."

     Tatewaki peered through the brush at the tall, handsome young
man who was moving toward the picnic table. He seemed to be moving
directly, yet with a deceptive casualness.

     "Scoundrel!" Tatewaki snarled. "Cad! It is Mikado Sanzenin,
the pair skater from Kolkhoz High! Quickly, Keiichi, I must strike
against him, before he..."

     "Observe," hissed Keiichi, seizing Tatewaki's arm. "Your lady
is not imperiled. This fellow has chosen his moment poorly. Observe."

     As Tatewaki watched, Mikado Sanzenin leaned over Akane's 
shoulder and whispered in her ear. She scowled. Less than a second
later, his head jerked back. His pupils had changed into X marks.
He slumped to the ground. Akane lowered her fist and turned back to 
her friends.

     "What do you learn from this?" asked Keiichi.

     "How mighty is her fighting spirit! What strength! With what 
courage does she fend off her brutish attacker! How..."

     "No, no," said Keiichi. He rapped Tatewaki on the head. "You 
learn that Akane Tendo dislikes interruptions and surprises.
Had you burst upon her, cousin, as did the unfortunate ice skater,
much ill might have befallen you."

     "But the touch of Akane Tendo's hand, however it may be offered,
is to me warm and tender as summer rain, and..."

     "No."

     "But, " said Tatewaki, shifting restlessly in the bush, "if she
strike me, surely it is in anger that her love for me swells 
greatest! It doth prove she would date with me! Yes! Yes, I must 
proclaim my love to her! I must...ugh." He tilted his head, and a 
cinder-block slid to the ground. He looked up at Keiichi's open hand.
"That hurt, you know."

     "Come to your senses, good cousin," said Keiichi. "I see at once
your trouble--- you have a poet's soul, but not a poet's skill. If 
you begin too swiftly, you will finish prematurely." He shook his 
head. "No, no, what have I said? I shall try again. A poem is a 
feeling, shaped by a plan. You have not the plan. Listen closely.
I shall tell you how you may capture the attention of Akane Tendo,
here and now." He picked up the cinder block and weighed it in his 
hand. "You will listen, will you not, cousin?" he asked softly.

     Tatewaki nodded.

     "Stand where she may see you, and wait," said Keiichi. "Say 
nothing, till she come to you. Even then, do not reply with words
of love, but say only, that the air is pleasant, and it is good to 
see her, and perhaps you will see her again soon. Then take your 
leave, and meet me at the Nekohanten on the next street. Will you do
this?"

     Tatewaki nodded again. The lump on his head was throbbing,
but he gathered calm within himself. "Are you sure?" he said. "I wish
to trust you, cousin, but how can I prove my love by pretending
indifference?"

     "You are not pretending indifference," said Keiichi. "You are 
showing self-mastery. If you will be guided by me, cousin, you can do
no wrong. As I say, now."

     Tatewaki rubbed his throbbing head and slowly rose from the 
bushes. He adjusted his bokken on his hip, and tossed his hair till
it assumed its familiar wave, and watched the sky, glancing only 
occasionally at Akane Tendo. As he stood waiting, he heard his cousin
creep out of the bushes and into the adjoining alley.

     He had a while to wait, but in time Akane Tendo rose and crossed
the street. She came across all in a rush. So! said Tatewaki to 
himself, her passion is great indeed, that she hurries to me. He 
looked down, however, upon a baleful glare.

     "All right, Kuno, what do you want this time?" she growled
at him.

     "Nothing at all," said Tatewaki, "but to bid you hello. It is a 
fine day, and I am breathing in the fine air. It is good to see that
you enjoy the outdoors, as do I. Perhaps we may meet again someday."

     "What are you talking about?" Akane shouted. "Are you sick? 
We'll meet again on Monday when you chase me around through the 
school halls shouting 'I would date with you.' Anyway, what fine air?
You're standing right next to the sewer opening!"

     "It is a pleasant day," said Tatewaki. "Perhaps we may meet 
again someday. I must go."

     "Leave me alone!" Akane shouted. "There's something wrong with
you!" She turned and fled.

     "Magnificent," Tatewaki said quietly. It was all he could do to
restrain the rampant excesses of love within him, at hearing her 
pronounce his name. "Kuno," he said. "Tatewaki Kuno. Akane Kuno. It 
would not sound ill, I think. I shall..."

     Abruptly he was swallowed in darkness. "It seems," he said, 
"that I have again fallen into the sewer. What an ill fortune!"
There was something wet and slick beneath his feet.  He considered
what to do, and concluded at last to seek assistance. "Sasuke!"
he shouted.

Chapter Four

     As for what Ranma was thinking while self-exiled to the toilet,
much of it was unprintable. Notwithstanding evidence to the contrary
in many excellent fanfics of recent vintage, he was not comfortable
thinking too long or too hard. As a triumphant martial artist, Ranma
specialized in quick decisions and rapid action. In a fight, he acted
more quickly than most of his opponents, and in a fight, his 
instincts were usually right. Therefore, in a fight, he never usually
stopped to contemplate at all, unless his opponent was kicking the 
tar out of him. Now, however, he had a problem he couldn't solve by 
fighting. His first impulses were exhausted:  he had already beaten
up his father. The enemy now was his own cursed body, and of course
time was the enemy too.

     It wasn't the physical discomfort that was bothering him. Ranma
could withstand incredible amounts of pain. In fact, though he would
be reluctant to admit it, he could stand more as Ranma-Chan than he 
could as a guy. In this case there was very little pain. Mostly he 
was frustrated because he was embarrassed and he was trapped. Primary
in his mind was that *NO ONE MUST KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING*.
Over time, he had come to accept many of the particular 
embarrassments of his girl-form, like wearing dresses, and had been
able to use some of them to his advantage. But this 
one-menstruating-was absolutely the most unmanly thing he could ever
conceive of. If word of it got out, the teasing would be constant
and painful.

     "Hey, Ranma! How's the old womb treating you?"

     "Hey, Ranma! Lose any unfertilized eggs lately?"

     "Hey, Ranma! Ready for the martial arts douche competition?"

     "Hey, Ranma! Belted or unbelted tampons?"

     No! No! He couldn't bear it.

Ranma was afraid that, if he changed back to a guy, the internal
bleeding might somehow continue. After all, other injuries like 
bruises and broken bones didn't go away when he changed sex. This 
fear meant there was no way he was going to risk changing. The one 
advantage of his girl-form was that it was hard to change out of it 
by accident; he could safely stay Ranma-Chan all day.

Being trapped in the bathroom was unbearable, though. The bleeding
stopped and started; no sooner would he leave the bathroom than it 
would start up again. Ranma knew there was a way women dealt with 
this problem, but, like all *REAL* guys, he had no idea how to do it.
Even if he would consent to wearing a tampon-and the thought of it 
made him cold and sick, like someone was walking on his grave---he'd
have to get one from somewhere, and someone female would have to tell
him what to do with it. Who could he ask?  He did briefly consider
asking Kasumi for help, since Kasumi was the kindest, nicest person
he knew; but he had the nagging feeling that it wasn't right to talk
about things that private with any girl except his own fiancee.
And that was the real problem. How could he allow Akane to see him 
this way? How could he let Akane see or know anything that would make
him look so unmasculine?

He sat, lost in these thoughts, which came slowly and sluggishly,
and only mixed up with many curses, until he heard a rapping at the
door, and Nabiki's voice:  "Hey, Ranma, you going to be in there all
day?"

"Go away!" Ranma shouted.

"Just like Akane," Nabiki said in a lower voice, and walked away.

Chapter Five

     Soun was sure that if Akane and Ranma met while Ranma was this
crabby, they would have a fight so bad they would never forgive
each other. Somehow he had to keep Akane away from home until Ranma
cooled off. But how? How? Someone would have to find her, wherever
she was, and keep her busy and distracted so she wouldn't try to come
home.

     "We've got to keep Akane away from home, Saotome," he said to 
Genma. Genma was still a panda-the bruises didn't hurt him as much
in that form-and they were playing speed-shogi while they waited
for Kasumi to bring a kettle. Soun was losing.

     Genma made some panda grunting sounds and moved a piece. Kasumi
brought the kettle and poured it over Genma's head.

     "Why don't you just explain the situation to Akane when she 
comes home?" Kasumi asked.

     "That's right, Tendo," said Genma, adjusting the handkerchief
on his bruised head. "You are her father, after all. Be firm with 
her."

     "No," Soun said, "Akane will never listen to me. If she walks
in that front door, it's the beginning of the end of her engagement
to Ranma."

     The birds chirped in the yard. Fish splashed in the pond. Soun
lost the shogi game. "Damn," he said. "We've got to do something.
Someone has got to go and find her. Kasumi! Can you..."

     "I have to cook dinner, father," Kasumi said.

     "We wouldn't want dinner to be late, now, would we, Tendo?"
Genma laughed.

     Nabiki was passing through the hall, carrying a box of adding
machine rolls.

     "Nabiki," Soun said. "Will you..."

     "I have to study," Nabiki said.

     "Then it's up to you, Saotome," Soun said to his friend. "I'll
stay here and try my best to stop Akane at the door. You go out and
find her. Tell her I want her to run an errand for me. Make up 
something, anything."

     Genma nodded soberly. "I won't fail you, Tendo," he said. He 
rose, slowly, stretched, and headed for the front door. Out in the 
street, he strode stiffly and purposefully along the pavement,
his finely-tuned martial artist's senses focused for any sign or 
sound of his son's fiancee. He did not notice the telltale rattle
of a garden sprinkler on a neighbor's lawn.

     Soun paced the house, sobbing. Saotome had to succeed! He had 
to!

     To his horror, Soun heard a rustling noise as he passed the 
bedroom door with the duck sign that read *Akane.*  "Who's there?"
he said at the door.

     A squeal answered him. He threw the door open.

     The little black pig, P-Chan, was curled up on Akane's bed. Soun
had the vague feeling he knew something about this pig that made 
P-Chan an unsuitable bedfellow for his daughter; but he couldn't
remember what it was. The pig looked very nervous; its eyes and snout
were turned up toward him, as if it expected to be scolded.

     "I only hope Akane doesn't come home today," Soun said to the 
pig. He didn't know why he was talking to the pig, except that the 
pig seemed to expect him to, and for some reason he wanted to put the
pig at ease. "If she comes home today, it will be the end of 
everything."

     The pig gave an anguished squeal. A moment later, Soun was on 
his back in the hall, with a pig footprint on his face.

Chapter Six

     Akane felt guilty that Ranma wasn't there. It was a feeling
she couldn't explain.  Without Ranma there, there was almost no 
chance of her getting really angry. She hadn't smiled and laughed
so much in months as she was doing now, here with her friends.
It was wonderful to hear gossip that wasn't about her or anyone who
lived with her.

     "And she said there was some kind of an invisible space woman,
and only she could see her," said Yuka. "And she was being chased
by some kind of slimy aliens."

     Akane and the others laughed. Yuka, a short, round-faced
girl with a big smile, had met a lot of strange people at the science
and technical school where she went before transferring to Furinkan.

     "She kept saying she was supposed to pilot some kind of giant
robot and fight some other kind of giant robot," Yuka explained.
"I think they, like, put her in a mental hospital or something."

     "Poor Nagisa," Sayuri said. Sayuri was tall and thin with long
straight hair; she was on Furinkan's track team.

     Akane found herself thinking, "I wish Ranma were here to hear
this. He's been in a bad mood, it might cheer him up." She shook her
head, trying to get Ranma out of it. If he were here, he'd find some
way to use the story about the girl from Yuka's old school to insult
her, Akane. No, she was better off without him.

     Kuno had been very strange earlier-almost calm and distant.
She'd never seen him that way before. Strangely enough, it brought
back memories of  how he used to be when they were younger. The 
problem with Kuno these last few years had been his personality,
not his appearance. Years ago, before he had fallen for her, he had
been the suave, smooth older boy that all the girls wanted a date 
with-except Akane, of course, who'd hated all boys. He was rich, he 
was tall, he was handsome-OK, he wasn't very smart, but when you were
twelve or thirteen or maybe even fourteen, you didn't care much about
that-he knew poetry, he brought flowers, he was a star athlete.
It was only the last year or two that his hormones and the hereditary
Kuno family madness had made him unappealing to girls at Furinkan.
Kuno would probably be dating lots of girls if he weren't obsessed
with two he couldn't have. If not for his obsession, he'd be better
off a lot of ways-doing better in school, competing in kendo (which
he'd almost given up), probably even making money by investing
some of his family fortune in something other than Nabiki's 
photographs. She wondered what had happened to him to make him calm
down so suddenly. It was probably just part of some kind of plot,
of course, but if he were really calm-if he were really over his 
obsessions-he'd become a lot harder to get rid of. He'd become the 
deadly enemy he was when Ranma first fought him, rather than the 
simpering annoyance he'd become since then. "I need to warn Ranma,"
Akane thought, but then she forced that thought away. "I need to have
a good time like I came here to do," she told herself. "Why can't
I have fun without Ranma? I *will!* I *will* have fun without him 
here."

     "What is an 'Iczer-One' anyway?" Sayuri asked. "Sounds like 
something you'd eat with ramen!"

     Akane tried to laugh. Giggling, Yuka suggested they go to the 
Nekohanten, the ramen restaurant on the next street over, and ask.
Caught up in her friends' enthusiasm, Akane agreed to come along.
It would be interesting to go into the Nekohanten some time when 
Ranma wasn't there and no one's life or curse was on the line. 
Shampoo was even occasionally pleasant these days, and she had helped
out Ranma and the Tendos a few times.

     As they were approaching the front entrance, someone came 
hurtling out, back of the head first. At first Akane thought it was
Kuno-the same outfit, about the same build-but when the boy crashed
into a row of garbage cans across the street, she saw it was someone
she hadn't met before. Whoever he was, he wasn't too badly hurt-he
was sitting up and rubbing his head. Nothing to worry about.

     "Shampoo no need date with you, stupid boy!"

     Akane and her friends stopped short of the entrance, not sure
if Shampoo was coming out. A moment later, Kuno rushed out. He caught
sight of Akane and her friends, and his face went green, and his jaw
dropped.

     "I... I... I..." he said. "I... I must go! Yes, that's it! I 
must go! Perhaps, er, we shall meet again someday."

     Akane was surprised to discover that she found his embarrassment
funny rather than irritating. It put her in a good mood. She decided
to be nice to him. "See you in school on Monday, Kuno," she said,
and smiled at him, and followed her friends inside.

     Shampoo was just inside by the door. "Silly boy," she said to 
Akane. "He talk a lot, but he not say anything. He touch Shampoo
without permission."

     While Akane and her friends were in the Nekohanten, Tatewaki
was across the street, trying to revive his cousin. "She spoke to 
me!" he shouted in Keiichi's ear. "She spoke to me! You were right,
cousin! Your master strategy has worked! Oh, by the gods, I would
date with her! How the wind from the stars shines heavenly upon her
mighty smile, and gleams like rain-touched flower petals in the downy
softness of her hair! And how, in all the fullness of her womanhood,
doth she wake the passion in her chaste bosom at the thought of my 
yearning touch! Ah! How..." His next words were jolted away by the 
impact of a cinder block against the top of his head.

     "Methinks you are premature," said Keiichi. Despite the fading
imprint of female knuckles on his cheek, Keiichi's face as he sat 
amid the dented trash cans was grim and serious. "You fight but one
skirmish for unconquered territory, and already you are sowing your
seed therein. Or have you forgotten that you have another woman whom
also you must win? It is now nigh time that Akane Tendo be left to 
contemplate the virtues you have shown her. It is also nigh time that
I withdraw me from this place, since my own strategies have, for the
nonce, gone awry. Hm. I must make a further study of Amazon poetics."

     Tatewaki removed the cinder block from his head and gently set
it in the street. "The pig-tailed girl," he said. "She is bewitched,
you know. That fiend Ranma Saotome now commands her, and has even 
forced her to take his name. He is my worst enemy, a foe I have never
truly beaten. To pursue her, we must overcome him. Can poetry do this
where kendo has failed?"

     "You shall see," said Keiichi. He laughed; it was the maniacal
laugh that marked every member of the Kuno family, and Tatewaki
found it oddly comforting. "You shall see!"

Chapter Seven

     Ryoga was especially unfit for the task of finding anyone,
since he could only ever reach any destination by accident. He had 
come to believe in fate. It was fate that put Ryoga Hibiki a hundred
miles from where he wanted to be most of the time, and then put him
in the path of his friends and enemies precisely when he was trying
to avoid them. Sometimes he tried to deceive fate by telling himself
he was not trying to get somewhere he actually was trying to get to,
hoping fate might take the wrong cue and deliver him to his 
objective. This never worked.

     Of course, sometimes fate was on his side, and delivered
him where he wanted or needed to be. Or, sometimes it delivered
him a helper.

     This time around it was Ukyo Kuonji, headed down the street
on an okonomiyaki delivery. "Oh, look," she said. "It's Akane's
little pig. You lost, little fella?"

     Ryoga squealed an affirmative.

     "Okay, I'll take you back to my restaurant." She picked him up.
"Tonight after I close, when it's dark and romantic in the 
restaurant, I'll call Ran-chan to come pick you up."

     Ryoga made a happy squeak. Anything that got Ranma closer to 
Ukyo and further from Akane was OK with him; but anyway there would
be hot water at Ucchan's, and once he changed to human form he could
get more help.

     Back at the restaurant, he turned on the hot water tap in the 
bathroom sink and changed back. Somehow he managed to retrieve
the spare clothes and weapons he had hidden in the back alley of the
restaurant and dressed himself. (Ryoga kept spare outfits hidden
everywhere he frequently wound up by accident:  every place 
frequented by Akane and Ranma.) By keeping his hands on the wall of 
the restaurant, he managed to circle around to the front entrance
without getting lost. Ukyo smiled hello.

     "Ukyo, we have to talk," Ryoga said. He looked around. The only
customer was an old woman. Ryoga recognized her as a woman who in the
past had accidentally thrown water on him by accident while watering
her lawn. He shuddered.

     Ukyo slapped his favorite okonomiyaki on a plate and served
him at the front counter. "Sure. What's up?"

     "We have to keep Akane away from Ranma."

     "Well, duh." Ukyo was still smiling, but suspicious. Their 
previous attempts to work together toward this goal hadn't been 
successful, and Ryoga knew that was more his fault than hers.

     "No," he said, "I mean today especially. I heard... uh, Soun 
Tendo told me if we don't keep them apart, it will be the end of 
everything."

     "End of everything how?"

     Ryoga was busy chewing. Every time he ate one of these 
okonomiyakis, he thought it was the best food he'd ever eaten. It 
sure beat the herbs and berries he ate when he was on the road 
training. "I don't know," he said through a mouthful. "But I don't
want Akane to get hurt. I've got to find her and keep her from going
home today."

     Ukyo thought about this. "Suppose you keep her away from home,
and I go and keep Ranma company?"

     "Okay, except you know and I know I'll never find Akane in less
than a week on my own."

     Ukyo thought about this, too. "How'd you find me, then?"

     Ryoga was used to lying to cover for his curse.  "I followed
the great smell of your cooking," he said.

     A few minutes later Ucchan's was closed for the day and they 
were walking together in the streets of Nerima. Ryoga put up his 
umbrella; no use making it too easy to get splashed. He told Ukyo 
that Akane had gone out with some school friends; he knew this 
because he'd been in her lap as P-chan when she made the plans the 
day before at school, but luckily Ukyo didn't ask how he'd found out.
She said their best plan was to try every place Akane might go for 
fun. Ryoga could suggest a lot of places-because, again, she'd taken
him to those places while he was a pig---but he didn't know where
any of them were. After a few minutes of planning, Ukyo figured
out an entire itinerary for them.

     "You're really well-organized," Ryoga said.

     "You have to be to run a restaurant," Ukyo said.

     "You know," Ryoga said, trying to be nice, "I really do think
you and Ranma would be good together. Maybe under your influence
he could stop being such a swaggering, arrogant loudmouth."

     Ukyo's reply was silence.

     "Uh..." Ryoga said. "Aren't you going to tell me why Akane and
I would be good together?"

     "That's a tough one." Ukyo sounded annoyed. "Well, I never saw
her hit you. Maybe that's a good sign."

     They tried several movie theaters and ice cream parlors. They
checked the cookbook sections of four different bookstores.
They went to three different parks. At the third park they found 
Mikado Sanzenin unconscious on the ground by a picnic table.

     "Akane's been here," Ryoga said. "I know her smell." He looked
at Ukyo. "Uh...what I meant was...."

     "No way," Ukyo said. "I'm not touching that one. Who is this 
guy, anyway?"

     Ryoga nudged Mikado with his foot. "He's an ice skater. Grr, I 
hate him." He remembered being the prisoner of Sanzenin's skating
partner, Azusa, and had nightmares in which the name "Charlotte"
was tattooed on his genitals. He remembered teaming with Ranma-Chan
against that "Golden Pair" and falling victim to the "Couple 
Cleaver."

     Ukyo knelt and studied the bruise on his forehead. "Those look
like Akane's knuckle-prints. I recognize them from seeing them on 
Ran-Chan's face all the time. Let's wake him up and ask."

     She went to a nearby fountain, got some cold water, and splashed
it on Mikado. Ryoga couldn't help wincing even when this happened
to someone else. "Wake up," she said in the skater's ear.

     Mikado blinked a few times,  then fixed his eyes on Ukyo's face.
"Another of my legion of admirers," he said. "I will bestow upon you
the favor of a kiss."

     "Sounds like Kuno," Ukyo said. "Look, skip it, buddy. We just
want to know if Akane Tendo was here."

     "Fear not," Mikado said. "I will not speak of other women now,
since even to seen to turn my attention to another must certainly
wound your fragile self-esteem. Gladly do I bestow this kiss upon 
you." He reached and puckered.

     Ukyo looked at Ryoga. "Go ahead and deck him."

     Mikado lost his confidence. "No, no!" he shouted. "I will tell
you what you ask! I did see Akane Tendo here. She was with two 
friends. I spoke warmly to her, and she struck me!"

     "And then?" Ukyo hissed.

     "And then I knew no more." He rose, nodded, brushed himself
off, and fled.

     "Let's search the neighborhood," Ukyo said.

Chapter Eight

     Ranma-Chan felt like she was being watched. She had left the 
bathroom for a while and was trying to work off some excess 
frustration doing katas in her bedroom. She could hear Kasumi 
cleaning downstairs, and Soun sobbing in his own bedroom, and Nabiki
talking to her broker on the phone in her room, but otherwise
the place was pretty empty. Good thing they were staying out of the
way.

     She gave the room a once-over for Nabiki's bugs, but didn't
find any. Happosai might be there, turned invisible, but Ranma didn't
think so because when he was Ranma-Chan, Happosai could never go so 
long without starting to grope. No, Ranma-Chan was being watched
from outside. She went to the window and scanned the surrounding
buildings and bushes for any combination of Akane, Nabiki, her 
father, Cologne, Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyo, Gosunkugi, the Kuno siblings,
ninjas serving the Kuno siblings,  Tsubasa, mysterious women in veils
carrying  take-out food, princes from far-off, hidden kingdoms
and their servitors, Jusenkyo revenge committees, and miscellaneous
ghosts, spirits, and demons from Japanese mythology. She ruled out 
only Ryoga, who would get lost trying to find a good place to hide.
After a brief surveillance, she spotted two tall boys in gis hiding
in some bushes. One of them was Kuno, no doubt about it, but she 
didn't recognize the other.

     This was so ordinary for Ranma, in either gender, that normally
he just ignored it; but Ranma-Chan was in a bad mood. Still, rushing
out to beat up Kuno wasn't a good idea; during the fight, she might
begin to menstruate again and get embarrassed or distracted.
There had to be some other way to get revenge...

     "Akane's cookies!" she said.

     Last night Akane had baked a batch of peanut butter, shrimp,
and horseradish oat bran cookies that had left the rest of the Tendos
and Saotomes desperately digging a bomb shelter under the dojo. The
merest taste of one of the cookies-which Soun had forced upon Ranma
by wringing his hand and sobbing-had knocked him unconscious.
At first, Ranma-Chan had even thought the cookie was the cause of the
morning's abdominal discomfort, before the worse truth of it became
clear to her. The remaining cookies were in a ceramic jar on the 
kitchen counter, with a sign taped to it that said "Ranma no baka."
Ranma would never survive eating another one, yet as long as they 
remained in the jar, Akane would be carrying a mallet around, and 
Soun would pile on the guilt.

     Ranma-Chan crept down to the kitchen. Kasumi, sweeping in the 
hall, was sharp-eared, but not enough so to catch Ranma-Chan
sneaking. Ranma-Chan discarded the sign and carried the jar back 
upstairs, removing the stopper slowly so the emerging fumes would
not overcome her.

     "Time to get 'em all worked up," Ranma-Chan said. She still 
didn't feel good, but malice provided the energy for her to practice
a few seductive moves in front of the bathroom mirror before 
retreating to her room, where a dank fog from the jar had permeated
the air. Watching the bushes from the corner of an eye, Ranma-Chan
began to bop and jiggle in front of the window. The bushes rustled,
and Kuno almost burst out, but something held him back. Ranma-Chan
overheard something about "Wanton passion." She gave her best smile
and wink, balancing a cookie in one hand below the level of the 
window, and began to ease her shirt from one shoulder.

     There was another dramatic rustling in the bushes:  just good
enough to take aim.

     "Akane's cooking away!" she shouted as she hurled the cookie
at the bush. It bounced off Kuno's head, and she followed with 
another, and another, until she was throwing at chestnuts-roasting
speed. Kuno and his compatriot burst out, choking and gagging,
and retreated down the street. Ranma-Chan nodded with satisfaction
and took the empty jar back to the kitchen.

     For Tatewaki, the spying had been a dizzying alternation
of tedium and pleasure. For long minutes no one was in sight; then
the blessed pig-tailed girl appeared in the window, exercising
in full and luscious view; then she was gone, and his heart fell;
then she returned, more lovely than ever, and then her modesty 
required her, though unwilling, to drive him away by hurling small
pellets of what appeared to be congealed nerve gas.

     For Keiichi, however, the spying was far more fruitful. Even 
just to study the Tendo home without its occupants was useful; and 
when the pig-tailed girl appeared, he began rapidly to understand
her.

     Her face-studied through his opera glasses---betrayed
a mixture of discomfort and discipline. She was conquering something
through her katas. The extremely masculine movements, which Kuno 
attributed to fighting spirit, indicated unease about her body, 
perhaps even lack of confidence. She was trying to conquer her 
femininity, perhaps because she had been startled to see it emerge
in her and feared its power over others. Of course she would reject
his cousin's love---she did not know how to handle the love of a man
who saw her as a woman. In her exercises, she was striving to be 
male, like... like a male sensei! Yes, exactly! She wanted a man who
would be her wise teacher and master, who would tell her what to do 
and how to do it! By coming on to her as a sensuous admirer, Tatewaki
had approached her in entirely the wrong way! He ought to have 
insisted upon her respect!

     This was not contradicted by the barrage of flinty cow flops
which the pig-tailed girl shortly rained upon them. It was an 
entirely reasonable response for a woman who felt inadequate
and embarrassed by the enraptured scrutiny of others. By the time he
was forced to retreat, Keiichi Kuno had already divined what strategy
would be necessary to woo the pig-tailed girl.

     The only problem was that only he could execute it.

     The two Kunos fled openly until they had turned a corner, and 
then Keiichi seized the back of his cousin's gi. Tatewaki stood,
his foot unwarily poised above an open sewer grate.

     "Well?" Tatewaki shouted. "What have you discovered, cousin?
How, how, how am I to win her love?? Did you now see, how she teased
and enticed me, only to test my love with a most coquettish though
admittedly quite exceedingly violent assault? O! Glorious pigtailed
one, my heart yearns for thee!"

     Keiichi lowered a cinder block onto Tatewaki's head and left it
balanced there. A skilled martial artist, Tatewaki had adapted to his
cousin's cues. He no longer needed the actual blow to be struck;
merely seeing the cinder block caused him to shut up..

     "It is hopeless, cousin," Keiichi said. "You must believe me. 
Having once lost this girl's respect, you will never again gain it."

     "No! No! No!" Tatewaki threw his head and arms back-the cinder
block fell to the ground---and roared at the sky. Lightning flashed
from the clouds behind him. "The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High will
not be denied!  Yea, the very trumpets of heaven proclaim my passion
unto the ravening winds beneath the burnished skies of eternity!
How my passion scales the turbulent volcanoes of perpetuity with the
intoxicating broth of Hyperion's passage! How..."

     "Unless!" Keiichi said. He leaned over and picked up the cinder
block, patting it gently.

     Tatewaki's head dropped, and his voice fell to a whisper.
"Unless?" he repeated.

     "Unless," said Keiichi, "you allow me to seduce her first."

     Lightning blazed through the sky. "Only I may touch the 
immortal, immensurable, and immanent pulchritude of the pig-tailed
goddess! You overstep your bounds, cousin! for it is I, the Blue 
Thunder of Furinkan High..."

     "...who shall be her mentor, and shall rescue her from the 
cruelty of a seducer who has put her aside." Keiichi smiled as 
Tatewaki faltered in mid-vaunt. Rubbing his hands together behind
his back, he tried to *will* Tatewaki to be stupid enough to forget
that there already was a cruel seducer, this Ranma Saotome fellow,
in the pig-tailed girl's life.

     "Perhaps," Tatewaki said, closing his eyes and tilting his head
with feigned wry wisdom, "there is something to what you say."

Chapter Nine

Commercial

(Enter Farmer Goro, a stout Japanese man wearing overalls and a straw
hat, carrying a pitchfork, with a gap in his teeth, a sweaty bald 
head, and a stalk of hay hanging from the corner of his mouth.)

Farmer Goro (Southern Accent):   Howdy! Farmer Goro here, down at 
Hibiki Farms. Here at Hibiki Farms, we're all working hard to provide
you with fine quality pork products! Like our brown-and-serve
pork cutlets, our farm-fresh pork ramen-in-a-cup, and our 
extra-low-fat microwaveable bacon!

(Enter Ryoga Hibiki, looking nervous, adjusting his collar.)

Ryoga:  And, uh, er... Well, I, uh, er...  Hi, I'm Hibiki Ryoga.
Since I inherited this farm from my great-great-granduncle,
I've, um... er... Oh yeah. I've been dedicated to providing fine 
products for  our customers, and, uh... er... (voice trails off) Damn
it.  Forgot my lines.

Farmer Goro: (Aside to Ryoga) Least you found where we were filming
the commercial in less than three days. (To the camera)  Yes sir, we
raise us some fine hogs here at Hibiki Farms. They're so friendly
and tasty, you'll feel like you're eating part of the family!

Ryoga:  You got that right.

Channel change: to Nerima News

Newscaster:   A spokesman for pigs said he was glad no pigs were 
involved. Now here's the news for gibbons.

Channel change:

Commercial

(Enter Farmer Goro, wearing a gray business suit and an English
driving cap. He still has a stalk of hay hanging from the corner
of his mouth.)

Farmer Goro:  Howdy folks! I came here today to tell you all about
a service so totally wonderful, so absolutely awesome it actually
got me off the farm! That's right, it's Tsubasa Kuranai's Fiancé
Referral Service. Here are some customers right here, eagerly 
anticipating the results of Mr. Kuranai's exhaustive data base 
search.

(Enter two school girls.)

Goro:  Howdy, girls. I understand Tsubasa here has found a fiancé
for each of you.

(Enter Tsubasa, in blue checked dress and braids.)

Goro:  What's your name, young lady?

Girl:  Nei.

Goro:  And who's her fiancee going to be, Mr. Kuranai?

Tsubasa:  Me!

Goro:  And how about this young lady? What's your name?

Girl:  Yoko.

Goro: (to Tsubasa)  And her fiancé will be...

Tsubasa:  Me!!

Nei:  Hey, no fair! Nei First!

Yoko:  Oh No!!

Goro: (to the audience) Oh, well. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Channel Change

Nerima News

Newscaster:  ...no Gojiras were involved. Now here's the news for 
Gameras.

Channel Change

Chapter Ten

     "Oh, yes," Akane said. "Father is taking students now."

     "Really?" Mousse's eyes widened. Akane heard the sound of 
clockwork grinding inside his head. "If I could find a new sensei,
I could learn the techniques I would need to beat R... er, my 
enemies. Wait here, Akane! I'll be right back."

     Akane and her friends were finishing their tea at the 
Nekohanten. Like any weekend afternoon, it was full of middle-class
Nerima families and groups of students. The low buzz of conversation
filled the air; the frenetic sounds of Cologne's martial arts ramen
cooking could be heard from the kitchen.

     "He's kind of cute," Sayuri said, talking about Mousse. "I like
his long hair. But his glasses are so thick."

     "One time he was trying to kidnap me, and he didn't have his 
glasses on," Akane explained, "and he stole this stuffed animal I had
just bought instead of taking me."

     The girls laughed. Akane was so used to suffering through gossip
about Ranma's perversions that she had forgotten how much fun it was
to talk about other people, especially other boys besides her own 
fiancé. She was finally starting to have a good time and forget all
her problems.

     Shampoo came and stood by the table. "You want more tea?"

     "No, I'm full," Yuka said. The others agreed.

     After crashing into a few tables and readjusting his glasses,
Mousse came rushing back and stood beside Akane. He didn't notice
Shampoo. He was holding a ceramic jar in the shape of Mickey Mouse.
"Here it is!" he said. "All the money I've saved since I started
working here at the restaurant! It's not much, but... but I would
give all of it to learn some new martial arts techniques that will
help me triumph over my enemies. Oh, please, tell me, Akane, would
it be enough for your father to consider training me to...huh?"

     Shampoo had taken the jar from him. "Thank you, Mousse. You so 
kind, give Shampoo money to buy present for Ranma!" She danced away,
laughing, to the kitchen.

     "Sh... Shampoo..." Mousse groaned.

     "Oh, come on," Sayuri said to Akane. "There's got to be some way
to help him, Akane."

     "I bet Uncle Saotome would train you for food," Akane told 
Mousse. "He'll do anything for the chance to stuff his face."

     "Yes..." Mousse said. "Yes! That's it! Thank you, Akane! I've
got to go find him right away!" He started for the door. "Uh... where
exactly would I find him?"

     Shampoo came out of the kitchen again, carrying several bowls
of ramen which she delivered to another table. She noticed Mousse
halfway to the door, crept up behind him, and took his glasses away.
"Oops! Mousse wearing wrong glasses. Try these instead." She dropped
a set of black sunglasses over his eyes.

     "Oh, thank you, Shampoo," Mousse said as he walked into a wall.

     Akane's friends giggled and whispered to each other. Finally
Sayuri said, "You need a guide?"

     Sayuri went off leading Mousse by the arm.

     "That turn out better," Shampoo said. "Akane friend keep him 
busy. Shampoo no want Mousse get better at fighting. Oh, look. Is 
Lost Boy."

     Ryoga had just stumbled through the doorway, followed by Ukyo.
When Ukyo and Shampoo saw each other, their eyes locked, and smoke
began leaking from their ears.

     "You in wrong restaurant," Shampoo said. "Good food served 
here."

     "At least mine doesn't have drugs in it," Ukyo replied.

     Ryoga stood nervously by the table. "Uh... Hi, Akane. Mind if I 
sit? Uh... who's your friend?"

     "I'm Yuka Serizawa."

     Akane introduced them further.

     "Oh, wow." Ryoga seemed genuinely impressed when he heard more
about his new acquaintance. "So your great-grandfather
invented the oxygen destroyer."

     Akane was happy to see him loosen up. He was usually so nervous
when she saw him; probably because Ranma was always picking on him.
She found herself hoping he'd hit it off with Yuka. Yuka was always
saying she wanted to meet a martial artist; and Ryoga was one of the
best ones Akane knew. He kept looking back at Akane, though, like he
wanted her approval.

     "Something bothering you, Ryo-kun?" she asked him.

     Ryoga made a gulping sound like he was swallowing his tongue.
"No, no, I...Uh... I mean, er, it's such a nice day outside."

     Akane couldn't help smiling. Now she understood. Ryoga wanted
her to split and leave him and Yuka alone together. "Listen,"
she said, "I just remembered I have some homework to do. Why don't
you guys go down to the lake and rent a boat? My treat. What do you
say?" She had to wait a moment for Ryoga to remove his face from the
floor. "Don't be shy," she added. "You guys seem to have enough to 
talk about, and I really do need to go home and work on my 
chemistry." She started to get up. She wasn't really ready to go home
yet, but seeing both her friends paired off with guys they seemed
to like made her feel so good it didn't matter.

     Ryoga sputtered, "No! Uh... No, I mean, why don't we all go?"

     "Yeah, you don't have to go home yet, Akane, it's early," Yuka
said.

     Meanwhile the confrontation between Ukyo and Shampoo had settled
down, and Shampoo had returned to the kitchen to pick up more orders.

     "You guys all go to the lake," Ukyo suggested, leaning over the
table, "and get a good workout doing some martial arts rowing. Then
come by Ucchan's for dinner for an okonomiyaki supreme."

     "Yeah," Ryoga said. "Uh... yeah, that sounds great. Thanks,
Ukyo."

     Akane nodded. "Sure." But she immediately started making plans
to slip away and leave her friends alone. There would have to be an 
opportunity...

     As they all stood, Yuka took Ryoga's arm. "Lead the way, 
Hibiki-san," she said with a grin.

     "Oh yeah," Ryoga said. "You bet."

Chapter Eleven

     Genma Saotome emerged from the public baths fresh and full of 
energy. An unexpected encounter with a sprinkler had left him in his
panda form, which sometimes made him sleepy. Now he was back to human
again, and he felt great! But he had the feeling there was something
he had to do. Was it...  time to go to work at Dr. Tofu's? 

     "No, no, that's not it," he said. "If I had to go to work, I'd
be dreading it... er, I'd have been thinking about it all day. Hmm.
It was something Tendo wanted me to do..." His stomach rumbled.

     "Pick up some take-out!" he said. "Yes, that's it! I need a 
snack to whet my appetite for Kasumi's incredible dinners!" He stood
in the street, stomach still rumbling, trying to decide which of the
girls who was in love with Ranma to mooch from.

     Meanwhile, Ukyo was on the way to the Tendo house with two of 
Ranma's favorite okonomiyakis. Akane would be out of the way a little
while longer, so she, Ukyo, could spend some time alone with her 
fiancé.

     When she got to the front of the house, however, there was 
already someone there pressing the bell.  Absently, she noticed
that the Tendos had installed a Western-style swinging door, instead
of their usual sliding paper door. Maybe they thought this door might
last longer when people were thrown against it. As for the stranger,
it was a tall, wavy-haired boy in a blue gi, carrying a scroll at his
belt and a stack of books in one hand. He turned as she approached
and smiled widely. Perfect white teeth.

     "A delivery?" he said. "Yea, this family shall thank you 
heartily for your promptness. I shall gladly assume the debt, and 
carry in the food myself. What do I owe you?"

     "No thanks," Ukyo said. "I'll deliver it myself." She reached
past him and rang the bell.

     "Indeed," the tall boy said, "were I not here on other business,
I would gladly join you, fair one, at your rounds. How often have I 
imagined the lonely perambulations of the sad yet tautly muscled
delivery girl, and how often has my heart traveled after her on her
routes! For always does she stand at the threshold of a home, but so
rarely does she enter it, to feel its warmth upon her skin, a skin
so often chapped by wind and rain! Indeed, had I not other business
here, cheerily would I companion your loveliness by shouldering
the burden of your comestible goods, and..."

     He suddenly vanished as the door popped open. Ukyo noticed
his hand sticking out from the space between the door and the house
wall. Good thing, too, because she was about to deck him. Soun Tendo
stood in the doorway.

     "Please Akane forgive us for locking you out please please you
must not come in oh boo hoo hoo hoo..."

     Kasumi came up behind him. "It's not Akane, father. She has a 
key, remember? Oh, hello, Ukyo. I'm sorry I didn't come to the door.
I couldn't hear the bell over the sound of the blender."

     Ukyo entered and left the jerk behind the door to deal with his
own problems. Soun slammed the door behind her. "Please, Ukyo," he 
said. "You must help us! We have to keep Akane from coming home!"
He led her to the dining room, where she set down her delivery
box on the table.

     "What's wrong with Akane?" Ukyo asked. "I just saw her. She was
in a good mood."

     "You saw Akane?" Soun shouted. "Where? Where? We must find her
and keep her away. Oh, promise me, Ukyo! Promise me!"

     Ukyo was getting very VERY curious to hear an explanation,
but Soun ignored her quizzical look. Instead, he continued begging
and saying "Please please!" She waved a hand in front of his face.
No change.

     "Ukyo, I'll do anything to repay you! Please please please..."

     Ukyo leaned close in to his ear and shouted "WHAT'S WRONG WITH
AKANE?"

     "Nothing," Kasumi said as she brought out plates for the 
okonomiyakis. "It's just that Ranma is having her period and isn't
in a very good mood, so father wants to keep them apart."

     Ukyo thought about this for a moment. She felt her corners
of her mouth curling up. *Don't,* she told herself. *Don't. Ran-chan
will never understand.* But she burst out laughing.

     "It's no laughing matter!" Soun shouted. He absently picked
up an okonomiyaki and stuffed it in his mouth. "Dey could have a 
te'ible fi'... murph." He chewed and swallowed. "Ranma's really very
unreasonable today."

     "No, I don't get it, Mr. Tendo," Ukyo said. "What's the big 
deal? It's just a period. At least half the people in the world deal
with it all the time."

     "But they aren't Ranma," Soun said, rubbing tears from his eyes.
In the front of the house, the doorbell rang. Kasumi went off to 
answer it. "His foolish pride... he..."  Soun sobbed and grabbed
the other okonomiyaki. He bit off two-thirds of it and chewed. "Don'
y'see, he'v gesso angry if she laughed, an'." He looked down at the
remaining shards of okonomiyaki in his hand, and at the way Ukyo's
eyes were narrowing as she noticed it also. "Er... didn't we order
this?"

      "It was for Ranma!" Ukyo felt her fist moving toward him.

Chapter Twelve

     Ranma-Chan smelled the okonomiyaki downstairs, but couldn't
face Ukyo. She went and sat on the bathroom floor in the lotus 
position, trying to calm down. It was no good. Some other idiot was
ringing the doorbell, and the sound was jangling through her head 
like a school bell. She went to the window and peered out. It was 
that jerk who had been with Kuno before. He was neatening himself,
as if he'd just been running or been in a fight. He had a stack of 
books in his hand. He really did look awfully like Kuno. They could
be brothers, Ranma-Chan thought. What a terrible thing that would
be-another Kuno.

     The door smashed open, and Ukyo rushed out, an empty delivery
carton dangling from her hand. "Now I have to go make two more 
okonomiyaki!" she shouted, "and I'll get even less time with Ranma
before Akane comes home!" She jumped to a rooftop and was soon out of
sight. Ranma-Chan sighed in relief-she didn't want to insult Ukyo by
hiding any more, but didn't want to see her either while she was 
feeling so bad-and watched as Kasumi came to the door and looked
around. "I wonder who was ringing the bell," she said. "There doesn't
seem to be anyone here. Oh, my." She shut the door again.

     The Kuno lookalike slid off the wall. He groaned, and his eyes
were crossed. As Ranma-Chan watched, however, the bruises faded from
his face, and he sat up with new energy and resolution in his 
movements.

     "Quick healer," Ranma-Chan thought. "Almost as fast as me."

     "I must find some other means of entering this household!"
he said in ringing tones. He leapt up, putting one hand on his chest
and flinging the other out expressively. "Never for so long have I 
been kept from my purpose! Never so thoroughly have I been 
discomfited by fickle fate and spirited portals! But my purpose
holds to sail upon the seas of love, and I shall not be denied!
I shall take arms against a sea of troubles, and..."

     The door crashed against the wall, again carrying him along with
it. Kasumi leaned out the door and again looked left and right. "I 
could have sworn I heard someone out here. Oh, my."

     Ranma-Chan knew she would never calm down as long as this bozo
was making noise outside the front door. There was only one way to 
get rid of the guy, and that was to boot him into the sky. As Kasumi
shut the door, Ranma slid the window open and jumped down to where
the orator was again peeling himself from the now-cracked facade
of the Tendo home.

     "What's your problem, pal?" Ranma-Chan said, trying to be 
casual. "You owe Nabiki money, or something?"

     The tall boy seemed to pull himself together quickly. "Indeed
no!" he cried. "I have come to see you, pig-tailed one! I have 
come-"he touched the tattered scroll at his waist, and gestured
at the mangled stack of books-"to be your teacher, and to free you 
once and for all from the groping clutch of your worst enemy!"

     "Happosai?" Ranma-Chan guessed.

     "Nay, O naïve yet lovely one!" the boy proclaimed. "I shall save
you from the vile and ichor-snuffling oppressor who so enchains
you!"

     "You sure you don't mean Happosai?"

     "Nay! I mean the domineering sorcerer Ranma Saotome! You must
be free of his grip upon your lambent spirit!"

     A moment later, the boy was headed for a cloud. Over the low 
whistling sound of the Kuno-clone's passage through the air, 
Ranma-Chan shouted, "Well, that's not going to happen, so just butt
out!"

     "Indeed curious," Keiichi said as he saw the Nerima zoo rapidly
approaching him from below. "So dramatically has this Saotome 
ensnared her, that she fears to accept help and instead lashes out 
against those who would be her allies." He crashed into a pond and 
slowly sat up. A penguin came and put its head on his shoulder.

     "Away, amorous fowl!" he shouted. "My mission continues 
unabated!" He started to rise. "Perhaps, however, I ought to 
contemplate a while longer, as I do not currently have feeling in my
legs."

     Meanwhile, Ranma looked at the stack of books. Martial Arts of 
Love. Zen of Pitching Woo. Sweet Valley High. What a lot of...

     Through the hard wood of the door, Ranma-Chan could hear Soun
Tendo calling his name. "Ranma! Where are you, son? Oh, no! Kasumi,
we must find him!"

     "I'm right here!" Ranma-Chan shouted.

     Off in the sky, the sun was starting to drop.

     "Oh, man," Ranma-Chan said from her prison between the door and
the wall. "Give me an Orochi over this any time."

Chapter Thirteen

     Ukyo was halfway back to Ucchan's when she stopped and cursed.
"I should have stayed there to cheer up Ran-chan! That's what a 
fiancee is supposed to do! Damn it! I let that glutton Soun Tendo
get to me!" She started to turn back, then thought:  I could bring
Ranma-Chan an even better okonomiyaki, one with some stuff in it that
will relax him. "Why not?" she said aloud. "I'm the world's fastest
okonomiyaki cook! If Ryoga does his job right, Akane won't be home
for a long time." She turned again and started back for Ucchan's,
then stopped again. "What am I saying? Ryoga never does his job 
right!" She jumped a few more rooftops until her restaurant was in 
sight. Genma Saotome in his panda form was sitting on the front stoop
holding a sign that said, "Please feed the animals!"

     Damn it! This was going to take all night.

     While Ukyo was pouring the batter, Sasuke led his master back
to the park, where Akane Tendo and her companions were standing
in line to rent a rowboat. Tatewaki smiled and nodded. Keiichi had 
instructed him to hide and observe her behavior with her friends,
so that he could imitate how her friends behaved.

     "Ah ha," Tatewaki said, "but I was raised by ninjas, and any 
ninja will tell you that the best way to spy is not to be seen, yes,
Sasuke?"

     "Yes, master," Sasuke said.

     "And the best way not to be seen is to hide?"

     "Yes, master."

     "And the best place to hide is in plain sight, is that not so,
faithful one?"

     "Yes, master." Sasuke wasn't even listening at this point. It 
was usually best to agree with Master Kuno.

     "Then I shall hide by approaching Akane Tendo openly!" Tatewaki
concluded. He burst from his hiding place and strode out onto the 
lakeside dock. Just as he was about to charge to Akane and proclaim
his love, however, he visualized a cinder block descending upon his
head. Perhaps a bit more calm would be better. "Sasuke," he said,
"if I proclaim my love to Akane Tendo today, strike me on the head
with a cinder block."

     "Yes, master," Sasuke replied from his hiding place in a nearby
rosebush. Then, "What?"

     "Do it, Sasuke. Oh, and I should ask:  why are you hiding in 
such a thorny place?"

     "Huh?" Sasuke suddenly screamed and leapt out of the bush. "Aah,
aah!"

     Tatewaki slowed his feet as he stepped onto the dock. He 
pretended not to look directly at Akane Tendo as he said loudly,
"Ah, well, I believe I shall rent a boat and do some rowing." He then
turned as casually as he could. "Ah, Akane Tendo. Imagine that we 
meet ag..." But he was staring at the point of an umbrella.

     "What do you want with Akane?" Ryoga Hibiki demanded. His voice
was low and steady.

     "Put away your weapon," Tatewaki answered, easing the umbrella
away from its perch on his nose. "I came here with no purpose save
to do a bit of rowing to improve my conditioning. Since I see that
your party is only three, however, and these quaint punts are best
suited to four, perhaps you and I may alternate rowing, while the 
ladies enjoy the lake unburdened by the need to exercise."

     "I don't trust you, Kuno," was Hibiki's reply.

     "You question my honor?" Tatewaki reached for his bokken.

     Akane stepped between them. "There's no reason to fight."

     "I don't want him to make you uncomfortable, Akane," Ryoga said.

     "Do not accuse me of such disreputable deeds," Tatewaki replied,
freeing his bokken from its perch at his hip. "When have I  
mistreated a woman so?"

     "Every time I ever saw you!" Ryoga shouted. He leveled the 
umbrella again, not noticing that it was resting on Akane's head.

     "We're here to have a good time, so both of you STOP IT!" Akane
shrieked. Both boys lowered their weapons.

     "Blessed are the peacemakers," Tatewaki said. "Come, Ryoga 
Hibiki. Let us put our backs into this manly labor."

     As Kuno and Ryoga were securing the boat, Akane struggled
to think of some way to escape. She could think of all sorts of 
disreputable things Ranma might do-like pretending to fall 
overboard---but she couldn't think of any way to get out of this 
except being honest about not wanting to go. If she did that, though,
Yuka and Ryoga would be stuck with Kuno. He was still being 
reasonable---reasonable for him, anyway---but she was sure he could
turn back into a drooling maniac at any time. As it was, what they
were doing was way too much like a date between her and Kuno. After
all, that was what she was trying to set up for the other two. She 
couldn't fool herself about what Kuno was thinking, even if he was 
being polite.

     What would Ranma say when he found out about this? Surely he 
wouldn't be enough of an idiot to be jealous---not of Kuno! He'd have
to understand that she was only doing it to help her friends. But no,
Akane shook her head. Did she ever believe Ranma when he told her 
that kind of thing? But Ranma would believe her. He would be more 
understanding than, in the same situation, she would be.

     "I like Ranma a lot more when he isn't around," she said 
quietly.

     When they were out in the lake, and Yuka was asking Ryoga 
questions about his travels---he'd been all over Japan and China,
after all, even if he couldn't put names to the places he'd 
seen---Akane looked at Kuno. She had her back to the prow of the 
boat, and he was in a seat facing her,  rowing and gazing at her with
great concentration through lowered eyelids.

     "This isn't a date, Kuno," she said.

     "Tatewaki," he whispered.

     "Look, whatever. This isn't a date."

     "Naturally not. It is exercise. The air is pleasant today. 
Perhaps we shall meet again." He shook his head. "No, no, the Blue
Thunder must not repeat old and worn out phrases. Variety is the 
spice of life. Yes."

     "Even if it was a date," Akane went on, "it wouldn't matter.
I don't think people fall in love on dates."

     Kuno tilted his head curiously. "How, then?"

     "I mean, I wouldn't know from experience," Akane said, "but I 
think people fall in love when they do everyday things together,
when they get used to each other. It's like my sister Kasumi and Dr.
Tofu. They fell in love without ever going out on a date. Kasumi
used to take me to see him when I was a little girl, and now she 
takes him over soup once in a while and he lends her books. When you
see them together and Dr. Tofu isn't completely crazy, you can tell
they just trust each other. Did you ever think about that...uh,
Tatewaki? About loving people you trust, instead of loving them 
because you think they'd make you happy?"

     "That will not work for me, Akane Tendo," Tatewaki replied.
"I trust only honorable men, and I have never met one except myself."

     "Hey!" Ryoga shouted.

     "I cannot say to an honorable man that I love him, but I must
say it only to a woman. To what sort of woman must I say it? Why, 
clearly, to a woman whose spirit is similar to my own. Being like in
spirit, we shall please each other. Thus do I prefer women who are 
skilled in battle. Each of us will understand the other's fighting
heart."

     "But what happens if you find a woman who fights you all the 
time? Fighting's not enough, is it?"

     Kuno shook his head. "That can never happen. I must continue
in the belief that the quality of my love for a woman will be so 
great as to cause her to wish to fight beside me, rather than against
me, once our first skirmishes are done. I must say, Akane Tendo,
it is strange to talk thus with you. I feel as though we have never
talked. It is always, that I proclaim how I love you, and then..."

     A large cinder block crashed against the side of Kuno's head.

     "Pardon me a moment," he said. He shouted at a clump of bushes
on the shore. "WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?"

     "What happened?" Akane asked.

     "I did not intend to speak of love during this voyage," Kuno 
said. "My ninjas have instructions to strike me with a cinder block
if I speak to you of love."

     Another cinder block crashed into his head. Calmly he dropped
it over the side of the rowboat. "My ninjas have apparent taken the
instructions far too literally. Certainly I can speak figuratively,
using words such as, 'I love you, Akane Tendo,' that are for the time
only theoretically meant..."

     A cinder block bounced off his head and fell with a plunk into
the lake.

     "Certainly," Kuno continued, "there must be some occasion
upon which I might use the words, 'I love you, Akane Tendo,' with 
innocent intent." He raised his hand to deflect the next cinder 
block. It came from the other direction and struck him in the head.

     "Could I not, perchance, speak to you, Akane Tendo, with 
brotherly intent? 'Ah, you are as a sister to me, Akane Tendo, and 
thus do I love you.'"

     A cinder block fell from the sky and struck him on the head.

     "My ninjas are zealous indeed in their compliance," he said,
raising a pardoning hand, as consciousness left him.

Chapter Fourteen

     Ranma-Chan finally retreated to her bedroom. The discomfort
of being crushed by a door had temporarily outweighed the discomfort
of knowing she was menstruating. Again she assumed the lotus position
and began deep-breathing exercises to calm dawn. "I am master of my 
body," she told herself. "I am master of my body. Yeah right."

     Ranma remembered a fight with his father by the canal, in which
Genma claimed, "My transformation works for me now." Subsequently,
Ranma had learned that, even as Genma used the panda form to help him
in certain situations, he could use his own female form to advantage.
The Ranma-Chan body was swifter and more agile than his normal male
body, and he had used that knowledge to win some fights; also, 
Ranma-Chan was great for subterfuge. But how could he use THIS aspect
of the female body to advantage? Develop a martial arts technique
to go with it maybe? But no, if there were a martial arts technique
for being crabby, Akane would be better at it that he would. He could
imagine her jumping at him shouting, "Anything Goes Martial Arts 
Special Attack:  Menstruation Strike!"

     "I wonder where Akane is," Ranma-Chan said aloud.

     The door burst open and Soun Tendo rushed in. "Believe me, son,
you don't want to know! Please please please don't ask where Akane
is. Please please please..."

     Ranma-Chan dispatched Soun back through the doorway with a fist.
"Quit spying on me!" She slammed the door.

     As she looked at the sun going down outside the window, 
Ranma-Chan realized she'd gone almost twelve hours without having
a fight with Akane. Something felt wrong about that. She had a 
strange and unaccountable thought:  Akane might be the only person
she knew whom she didn't want to beat the hell out of right now. "I 
wish she'd come home," Ranma-Chan admitted to herself.

     The door burst open. Soun shouted, "No you don't! Please please
please..."

     Ranma-Chan got rid of Soun with another blow. Over the sound
of Mr. Tendo sobbing outside the door, she heard Kasumi putting
the dinner things on the table, and then Nabiki's light footsteps
in the hall as she headed downstairs. "Oh, get over it, daddy,"
she whispered to her father, and led him away.

     Ranma-Chan sat for a while longer in a quiet disturbed only by 
the faint sounds of the kitchen. It was strange that Akane hadn't
come back yet. The low rumbling of Genma-panda in the backyard
told her her father was back, and she heard another voice:  Ukyo.

     "Please stay for dinner," Kasumi told her.

     "Could I go up to see Ran-chan?"

     "Certainly. He's-uh, she's in his, uh, her room."

     Ranma-Chan shook her head with frustration and climbed out the
window and up onto the roof, pushing the window shut with her foot.
She sat, with her chin on her fist, thinking, as the sun faded from
orange to black. She didn't pay attention to Ukyo searching the room
for her, or Soun panicking when he heard Ranma was gone. What was Mr.
Tendo's problem, anyway?

     "I must speak to you, pig-tailed one," said a voice in 
Ranma-Chan's ear.

     "Yikes!" Ranma-Chan leapt ten feet in the air and landed on one
foot in a martial arts pose. There, kneeling on the roof, was that
Kuno-clone she'd belted earlier. "How did you sneak up on me like 
that?"

     "I am a poet," was the reply, "and can move as silently as a 
beating heart. Come, girl, will you not speak to me for the nonce?
Prematurely have you lashed out at me-a noble gesture of 
self-protection, I admit. But nay, sit. I have not come to attack
you, but only in sympathy, to advise you. You need advice, do you 
not?"

     "Sure," Ranma-Chan replied, relaxing a little, "but not yours.
What do you mean bringing all those crummy books here anyway?"

     "I purpose only to help you," he said. "I am told that you have
been cruelly enslaved by a false and brutal love. I hoped the 
contents of those books might awaken you to some truths about love
that would prove a pill first bitter, but then in the end, intensely
sweet."

     "Love," Ranma-Chan said. "I never met anyone who could explain
that to me. But what false and brutal love are you talking about,
anyway? What's Kuno been telling you?"

     "I am told," answered the poet, "that a martial artist named
Ranma Saotome has imprisoned your mind and your spirit."

     "No," Ranma-Chan replied. "Kuno doesn't get it. *I'm* Ranma 
Saotome."

     "You have taken the oppressor's name, and buried your own 
identity. Come, tell me the name you were born to. It shall be the 
first step in the healing of your battered heart."

     "Look, get out of here, okay? I don't need your help. My 
battered heart doesn't need healing-not that kind anyway."

     Down below, the front door burst open, and Ukyo and Genma-panda
rushed out into the street. "You must find him!" Soun Tendo roared.
"Find Ranma!"

     "I'll hold dinner as long as I can," Kasumi called.

     The two ran off in different directions.

     "What ails you, pig-tailed one?" the poet pressed as he watched
the others vanish into the dusk.

     "Everyone's in love with me," Ranma-Chan admitted, "and I wish
most of them would leave me alone. Then I have this fiancee who I 
can't stand, but I miss her whenever I don't see her."

     "Your... fiancee is a woman?" the poet gasped. "But... you are
a woman! A coupling I can understand, but a formal engagement?
I mean... is it legal in Japan?"

     "I'm not a woman. I'm Ranma Saotome, get it?"

     "No," the poet said, scratching his head. "This news disturbs
me deeply. Very much do you require a friend, pig-tailed one. Indeed,
perhaps your friend ought to be a mental-health professional.
Yet, being a poet, I do know much of the human heart. Perhaps through
my influence you might come again to appreciate the merits of men..."

     Ranma-Chan booted him into the sky. "If you want to help, get me
a plane ticket to China, jerk!"

     Keiichi looked below him to see that he was about to land in a 
small lake. He relaxed-a mere dunking would not  harm him. 
"Interesting," he said. "I did not suppose my cousin knew that this
pig-tailed girl is a Sapphist. Ought I to tell him? Nay. I shall 
clear her mind of this foolishness by the power of my poetry, and..."

     He crashed into something more solid than water. "Ah. I failed
to notice the footbridge," he said, and closed his eyes.

Chapter Fifteen

     As she leapt rooftop to rooftop, keeping her eyes peeled for a 
red-haired girl in a Chinese shirt, Ukyo was determined to find Ranma
to comfort him. She really didn't care what form Ranma was in-after
all, she'd spent years as a boy, and had dealt with the problems
boys have, socially at least-so she understood what it was like to 
face difficulties your sex wasn't supposed to worry about at all. She
really hadn't meant to laugh at Ranma's problem-really she thought
it was sad, because he was so insecure about something that was no 
big deal at all. Now he was hiding because of embarrassment
about it. With a little kindness and explanation, he'd probably
feel better. Fiancees were supposed to help each other feel better,
right?

     Meanwhile, Genma-panda trotted through the Nerima streets hoping
he wouldn't find Ranma so he could eat Ranma's share of Kasumi's
dinner.

     Also meanwhile, having hauled Tatewaki Kuno all the way to Dr.
Tofu's, Ryoga planted the unconscious kendo star firmly on the 
examining table. Yuka had gone home. He was glad. He had been polite
to her, but she was distracting him from his mission of keeping
Akane busy. To make Akane happy, he had even hauled this lout all the
way from the lake. (Kuno was too tall for Akane to get a carrying
grip on.) Akane was in the other room calling Kuno's house to tell
Principal Kuno where he was.

     "Well, now, what happened to him?" Dr. Tofu said. He examined
the lumps on Tatewaki's head. "It looks like he's been hit in the 
head multiple times with thrown cinder blocks, is that it?"

     "Pretty much," Ryoga said.

     Dr. Tofu touched Kuno's head gently, looking for evidence
of cranial fracture. "Nope, he's got a pretty hard skull," he said.
"These are just normal cinder-block bruises. Let me apply some oils
to reduce the swelling."

     Akane came into the examining room. "They're crazy over there,"
she reported. "The guy who answered the phone said he wasn't a ninja
because ninjas don't exist, and he said no one was home including
himself."

     Ryoga tried to laugh.

     "Well," Akane continued, "I told the guy who wasn't there that
Kuno IS here, so since home's just down the street, I guess I'd 
better get back for dinner. Will he be okay, Dr. Tofu?"

     "I'll take care of him," Dr. Tofu said. "Tatewaki has good 
medical insurance."

     Ryoga felt himself freezing up. This was his big moment. 
Somehow, he had to keep Akane from going home. But how could he do 
that without sounding like he was asking her out? It had been a 
terrible day. Akane was in a good mood, which meant she was 
especially cute and friendly. He couldn't stand it. It was so hard
to confess his love, and so hard not to, both at the same time, 
whenever she was like this!

     "You want to come for dinner, Ryo-kun?" she asked him.

     "Er... uh..." Ryoga said. "Sure, Akane, but... weren't we 
supposed to go get an okonomiyaki at Ucchan's?"

     "It's closed," Akane said. "I noticed on the way over here. 
Anyway, Kasumi's Saturday dinners are always the best. You must be 
hungry after all that rowing. I wish Yuka had stayed. You guys were
getting along so well."

     The phone rang. Dr. Tofu answered, and immediately his eyes 
crossed. "H-h-hi Kasumi. What's that? Akane's here. Here, Akane."
He handed the receiver to his skeleton, then began rubbing oil into
Ryoga's head.

     "Hey, cut that out!" Ryoga shouted.

Akane took the phone out of Betty's hand. "Hello? Oh, hi, Kasumi.
No, I'm not hurt. Ryoga and I brought Kuno here. No, I didn't, his 
ninjas did. No, I haven't seen Ranma. Where did he...?  He's what?"
She smiled and laughed. "What an idiot! So what's the big deal? Okay,
Ryoga and I will try to find him. Hold dinner for us. 'Bye."

     Ryoga had wrestled Dr. Tofu down and now held him pinned on top
of Kuno. Kuno had begun to stir and groan.

     "Dr. Tofu," Akane asked, "have you seen Ranma today?"

     "Who's Ranma?"

     "Never mind. I have to go look for him, Ryoga. You can go on to
the house if you want."

     "I'll stay with you, Akane," Ryoga said. "It's dangerous
in Nerima at night."

     Akane patted him on the arm. "It's so nice of you to worry about
me, Ryo-kun. But I'll be okay, really."

     Ryoga was having trouble thinking while he struggled with the 
lunatic doctor. "Coffee grounds are good food," Dr. Tofu said. 
"Quick, Betty! To the bat-dojo! Hey, did anyone get the number of 
that shih-tzu?"

     "I'd rather stay with you," Ryoga managed. He felt a sudden
wave of boldness rise in his chest. "I'd feel better about it."

     His priorities had changed. If Ranma had left home, Ryoga's
new job was to keep Akane and Ranma from meeting. He still didn't
know why, but it didn't matter; he'd keep them apart or die. Maybe
by going with Akane, he'd have some chance of spotting Ranma first
and beating him up before Akane saw him.

     He released Tofu-who immediately jumped up to the ceiling and 
dug his fingers in, clinging and laughing maniacally-and
followed Akane out of the office.

     "Dr. Tofu will feel better when we're gone," Akane said. They
reached the street and picked a direction. "Listen, I want to ask you
something. Why do you think Kuno was so nice today?"

     That was easy for Ryoga to answer. "Part of a plot, probably."

     "Yeah, well, that's what I thought at first, too. But I kind of
wonder what he would be like if he weren't crazy."

     Ryoga shrugged. "That's like wondering what Emperor Akihito
would be like if he wasn't Japanese."

     "I guess so. Let's try the Nekohanten. The baka may be hiding
out there." They were Akane's usual words, but much softer than 
usual. Akane wasn't really angry with Ranma. She hadn't been angry
all day.

     "Do you like Yuka?" Akane asked after they'd walked a while.

     "She's nice," Ryoga said. He added in his head, But I love you!
The two of us walking quietly together is heaven! This is what I 
always wanted for Akane and me-but she's still trying to set me up 
with her friend!

     "Yuka is always telling me she thinks martial artists are cute,"
Akane said. "I told her you were Ranma's best friend and a good 
martial artist. I bet I can fix you guys up again if you want."

     No, Akane! Ryoga thought, I want to be with *YOU*! But he just
blushed and looked away.

     "She's going to be an inventor, like her great-grandfather.
She's smart. Do you think she's cute?"

     Ryoga thought, Someone help me! He would never insult Akane by 
turning down her friend, but he couldn't imagine being with anyone
but the woman he loved, who was right beside him. Akane! he thought.
You are everything to me! If I don't hold you in my arms someday,
I'll... "Huh?" he said aloud. She'd jabbed him with her elbow.

     "It's okay, Ryo-kun. I know you're kind of shy. But you're so 
serious all the time. You need to lighten up. I just thought a 
girlfriend would help."

     In the distant sky, the moon was beginning to show brightly.
There were no clouds, no rain. Ryoga knew he was about to cry. 

Chapter Sixteen

     Ranma-Chan, still on the roof of the Tendo home, had calmed
down and was considering going back in for dinner when she heard 
footsteps coming across the rooftops toward her. She looked and saw
Shampoo leap two rooftops at once in her enthusiasm.

     "Aiya!" she shouted. "Ranma! Shampoo bring..."

     Ranma-Chan put her finger on her lips.

     Shampoo landed on the roof beside her.

     "Ssh!" Ranma-Chan hissed. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here.
Look, Shampoo, I just want to be alone tonight."

     "But Shampoo bring husband gift!" She smiled widely.

     "No more drugged food, okay, Shampoo?"

     "No, no, Shampoo do that some other time. This real gift. Ranma
open." She handed over a small wrapped package.

     Ranma-Chan tore it open.

     "It waterproof watch, like divers wear. Ranma always in water,
maybe can use, yes?"

     "Gee, Shampoo, that's..." Ranma-Chan tried on the watch-the
adjustable band would fit either gender. "That's really nice of you.
But what's the catch?"

     "Shampoo want we go hot bath in spring under Nekohanten.
You change out of nasty girl-type, become big strong husband. We have
good time."

     "No way!" Ranma-Chan shouted, then looked around frantically
to see if anyone had heard. She lowered her voice. "I mean, no way.
I couldn't change back right now even if I wanted to."

     "Why Ranma no change? If too hot, Shampoo have extra phoenix
pill."

     "Look, I don't want to change back right now, Shampoo. I mean,
thanks for the watch and all, but I can't do it."

     "Shampoo no can take cold bath with nasty girl Ranma. I know 
what we do. You come Nekohanten, Shampoo make you extra special
ramen. You watch cooking, you see. No poison."

     "No thanks, Shampoo. Here, you can have the watch back if you 
want."

     They stared at each other. "Wo ai ni," she said. "You keep."
Suddenly her head turned. "Oh no, is Mousse with Akane friend. What
they want here?"

     Ranma-Chan looked in the street and saw Mousse, completely
blind in a pair of dark sunglasses, holding the arm of Akane's friend
Sayuri as they approached the dojo. They walked up to the porch,
and Sayuri rang the bell.

     Shampoo jumped down; Ranma-Chan lay flat, hiding.

     "What you do here, Mousse?" Shampoo said.

     "Uh... nothing, Shampoo," he replied, staggering in the 
direction of her voice with his arms held out. Sayuri stepped out of
the way.

     The door burst open.

     "Akane!" Soun Tendo sobbed. "Is that you?" He looked frantically
in all directions. "Oh, hello, Sayuri. Hello, Shampoo."

     "Akane has a key, father," Kasumi called from the hallway.

     "Akane's not home?" Sayuri asked. "Maybe she went to the movies.
Listen, Mr. Tendo, is Mr. Saotome home?"

     "No, he lives with me."

     "I mean, is he here? I brought someone to see him. Mousse?
Oh, where's Mousse?"

     "Behind door," Shampoo said.

     They retrieved Mousse from his prison. The black sunglasses
were crushed; they fell limply from his face. "Hello, Mr. Tendo,"
he said, bowing to a bush.

     Up on the roof, Ranma-Chan was deeply puzzled. What could Mousse
want with her father? And why were Sayuri and Mousse together?
"I feel like I came in to the middle of a movie," she thought.
"No, what am I talking about? My life is always like this."

     "Lazy Mousse," Shampoo said. "He just try to get out of working
at restaurant. Why you so nice to him, Akane friend?"

     "I like him," Sayuri replied. "You should see him smile 
someday." She turned to Mousse. "I need to go home for dinner now,
but I'll see you for lunch tomorrow, Mousse."

     Mousse said goodbye to a lamppost as Sayuri headed for her house
just down the street.

     "Have you seen Akane?" Soun asked.

     "Oh, yes," Shampoo said. "She go to lake with Lost Boy."

     "With Ryoga?!" Already lying flat on the roof, Ranma-Chan
had no room to fall on her face. Her face hit the shingles at least.
Akane was on a date with Ryoga? No, that couldn't be. Shampoo was 
making it up to make Ranma angry.

     "What was that?" Soun said, his ears peeled. "I thought I heard
a voice."

     "Sound like wind," Shampoo said. "Come on, Mousse. Shampoo
lead you back to Nekohanten."

     "No," Mousse said. "Wait, Shampoo. I want to ask Mr. Tendo 
something."

     "Well, what is it, son?" Soun said. "Be quick, now. I'm worried
about Akane."

     "Mr. Tendo," Mousse stammered, "will you... er. Will you..."

     "Yes? Yes?"

     Mousse looked toward Shampoo, though he certainly couldn't
make her out in the darkness.

     "Er... will you bring your family to the Nekohanten tomorrow
night to try our new Shrimp Ramen Surprise? Your first serving is on
me."

     On the roof, Ranma-Chan rolled her eyes.

     Shampoo led Mousse away, her grip on his arm unusually firm.
"Silly Mousse," she said. "You no get new sensei. Shampoo like you 
better the way you are."

     "Gosh, Shampoo, do you really mean that?"

     "Yes. You much easier to control."

     As they vanished into the darkness, Ranma-Chan decided she was
tired of hiding on the roof. The menstruation seemed to have stopped.
Shampoo was probably lying about Akane and Ryoga going to the lake,
but there was no way Ranma was going to leave a rival alone with 
Akane! It was time for Ranma-Chan to go find out for herself.

Chapter Seventeen

     Commercials

(Enter Farmer Goro, in blue and white striped overalls and an 
old-fashioned train engineer's hat. He's wearing a whistle on a cord
around his neck and has a stalk of hay sticking out of his mouth.)

Goro:  Howdy folks! Mr. Conductor Goro here to tell you about the 
greatest pleasure ride in Nerima today! That's right, it's Kodachi
Kuno's Mr. Turtle Rides!

(Zoom to dark green pool of water over Farmer Goro's shoulder,
where a large crocodile suddenly emerges, jaws flashing, and then 
dives below the surface again.)

(Pan back to:)

Goro:  Come one, come all! It's great for large families...
especially families that are a little too large at the moment. And 
remember, this ride has the approval of the Nerima Tourist 
Commission.

(Zoom to another brief glimpse of  gleaming crocodile teeth. Pan back
to:)

Goro:  Well, actually, Kodachi did send them some black roses filled
with hypnotic gas. But it is a fun ride, y'all. Hey!

(Enter Ranma-Chan, looking crabby)

Ranma-Chan:  Is Akane here?

Goro:  Huh? Who the hell are you?

Ranma-Chan:  I'm actually part of the real storyline, not this stupid
commercial!

Goro (uncomfortable):  Uh, want a bag of Famous Kodachi Ginger Snaps?

(They don't notice Mr. Turtle in the background, creeping out of the
pond toward them.)

Ranma-Chan:  What about Ryoga, is Ryoga here?

Goro:  Uh, no, isn't he back at Hibiki Farms?

Ranma-Chan:  What? Where? (Notices Mr. Turtle. Cynical expression.)
By the way, are you a martial artist?

Goro:  No, why?

(Ranma-Chan leaps away.)

Goro (now seeing Mr. Turtle right behind him):  Aaah!

(Fade to black)

Next:  Hikaru Gosunkugi Portrait Studios.

Dr. Tofu had regained his composure by the time Tatewaki was fully
awake. He was leaning over his patient, smiling, drinking a cup of 
ginseng tea.

     "Well," said Dr. Tofu, "I thought you were capable of a full 
recovery."

Tatewaki did not laugh. "Where is Akane Tendo?"

"She went out with Ryoga, I think," Tofu replied. "They were looking
for Ranma. I'm not sure why."

     "Ranma?" Tatewaki said. "Which? The repellent blowhard, or the
exquisite pig-tailed girl?"

     Before Dr. Tofu could explain, Keiichi's voice was heard in the
anteroom. "Cousin! I received a message that you were here."

     "I was injured by my ninjas," Tatewaki said. "They were 
instructed to strike me with cinder blocks if I spoke the words,
'I love you, Akane Tendo.'"

     With lightning speed, Dr. Tofu intercepted a cinder block that
came through the open window. "This might be a good doorstop,"
he said. "By the way, did I hear you say 'cousin?'"

     After introductions were made, Tatewaki and Keiichi sat over tea
in the front room of the doctor's office. Tatewaki described his 
experience with Akane Tendo.

     "I did not intend you to approach her again today," Keiichi
said. "Yet it seems my strategy has performed beyond even my own 
expectations. She spoke to you of love?"

     "Yes, and instructed me in how she might be won-not by courting,
but by daily companionship. It is not enough that I offer her 
passion; she must come to trust me. I am now resolved; from now on I 
shall be only honest and faithful. But tell me, cousin, how did you
fare? Is the pig-tailed goddess yet ready for me to rescue her from
your cruel seduction?"

     "Nay, cousin," Keiichi replied. "I braced her upon a rooftop,
and I learned that... Alas! I hesitate to speak the frightful
words. She is... a lover of other women."

     Tatewaki was slow to lift his cheek from the waiting-room
floor. His skull ached from the violent percussion of the facefault.
"Of course," he said slowly. "How else could she so long resist my 
entreaties? And no wonder she spoke once of dating with my sister
Kodachi. No!" He sprang up, brandishing his bokken. Lightning
flashed above him. "I must win the pig-tailed one back to the love
of men! For I am the Blue Thunder of..."

The lightning flashes stopped. Dr. Tofu had turned off the 
fluorescent light on the ceiling and was coming in with a ladder.

     "Meant to change that," he said. "It's been flickering all day."

     "You will never win the pig-tailed girl," Keiichi said. "You 
must forget her, cousin. Pursue your suit-cautiously!--with
the other girl." And he added in his thoughts, I will win the 
pig-tailed girl for myself.

     Tatewaki lowered his bokken. "I cannot bear your words, cousin.
But I shall think on them. What am I to do next?"

     "Let us go home," Keiichi replied.

     "But wait," Tatewaki said. "Akane Tendo is now in the company
of that stammering vagabond Hibiki! Should I not act to separate
them at once?"

     "Rest, cousin. The power of poetry shall win her at last."

Chapter Eighteen

     After jumping around the neighborhood twice, Ranma-Chan
gave up searching for Akane. She went to the spot by the canal where
she liked to sit and think sometimes. This was where her father had
claimed, "My transformation works for me instead of against me!" A 
passing jet-ski, however, had put that claim to the test. Well, this
time the transformation sure wasn't working to Ranma's advantage.
Ranma-Chan had spent the whole day sulking while Akane was out 
enjoying herself. Normally it was almost impossible for the two to 
get along, but now, at the tail end of a terrible mood, Akane was the
only person Ranma could stand to see, and maybe she was off with 
Ryoga. On the surface, nothing was wrong with Ryoga-not that Akane
could know about. She didn't know that as P-chan, he had more 
intimate knowledge of her body than anyone besides herself. She 
thought he was polite, considerate, and bashful. She never thought
anything so nice about Ranma. No wonder she stayed out with Ryoga.
They probably hadn't had a single fight all day.

     Of course, it was possible that Akane wasn't with Ryoga, and 
that while Ranma-Chan was out searching, she'd come home alone and 
was eating dinner.

     Ranma-Chan was almost---almost---startled
by Genma-panda's attack on her from above.  She just leaped out of 
the way. He charged with a series of claw swipes and kicks, which
Ranma-Chan dodged. But she was still feeling a little stiff and 
cranky. She mistimed a leap, and Genma caught her in midair with a 
sweep and dropped her on her back in the mud.

     Genma clapped his paws together to celebrate, then held up a 
sign that read, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

     "Cut it out, pop! I'm not in the mood!" Ranma sat up, rubbing
her head.

     Genma went up the side of the bank and came back with a 
teakettle of warm water. He poured it over himself, but Ranma-Chan
dodged when he tried to douse her too.

     "What's the matter, son?" Genma asked, adjusting the glasses
on his now-human head. "You've been a girl all day, haven't you?"

     "Just butt out! I'll get over it on my own. How'd you find me,
anyway?"

     Genma handed Ranma a strip of paper. It said on the top "Ranma's
Hiding Places." It was in Nabiki's handwriting.

     "Preparing with research for a task is just as important
as preparing for an opponent, Ranma m'boy. In this case, I was 
careful to get the inside track by paying extra to make certain
no one else bought this list from Nabiki."

     "There you are!" came Ukyo's voice from the bridge above and 
behind them. "Ran-chan!" She leapt down. She was holding another
copy of the list. "This was only number three, too," she said as she
folded it and put it away.

     "Geez," Ranma-Chan said.

     "Hey, Ran-chan!" Ukyo said cheerfully. "I've been looking for 
you all day. Listen, I want to tell you it's OK, that it's no big 
deal if you're..." She stopped talking, noticing the list in Genma's
hand. "Hey!" she shouted. "I'm supposed to have the only copy of 
that!" She grabbed it and tugged. He tugged back. In a moment they
were hidden by a cloud of dust and crashing sounds and shouts of 
"Give me that!" and "It's mine!" Ranma-Chan got up and walked to the
bridge.

     "There he is!" came Akane's voice. She and Ryoga came running
up. Akane was holding a copy of the list. Ryoga had a really sad 
expression on his face. He shook his head and started to walk away.

     "Hey, Ryoga," Akane said. "You don't have to leave. We'll be 
going home soon for dinner."

     "Thanks, Akane, but I'm not hungry. Have a good night." He 
melted into the shadows.

     "Let him go," Ranma-Chan said. "I need to talk to you."

     Leaving the sounds of fighting in the distance, they went to the
hiding place the list gave as #4:  the top of a tree in a small park
near the dojo.

     "I can't believe this," Ranma-Chan said. "I woke up this 
morning, and I was, like... you know."

     "Know what?"

     It was terrible. She was smiling. It scared Ranma. If she'd been
angry, he would have known what to expect.

     "I was... like, y'know... That thing that girls do and guys 
don't."

     "Thinking?"

     "No."

     "Studying?"

     "No!"

     "Brushing your hair before you go out?"

     "NO!"

     Akane laughed. "What was it, Ranma?"

     "I was... you know. God, this is so embarrassing. Having a 
period."

     She laughed again. "Oh, I knew that."

     "*WHAT?* How'd you know?"

     "Oh, Ryoga told me."

     If it is difficult to fall on your face while lying flat on a 
rooftop, it is even harder to fall on your face while sitting on a 
tree limb and not fall out of the tree. Ranma-Chan managed. "Ryoga?
But how could he..."

     "I'm just kidding," Akane said. "You're so serious. Kasumi told
me, but I'd already figured it out anyway. It's no big deal, Ranma."

     "No big deal? But..." How could Ranma express to Akane how 
terrible the embarrassment was? "But... I spent the whole day hiding
in the bathroom. I didn't tell anyone. How did you know?"

     "I grew up with two sisters," Akane said. "We learned to tell
when we were having our periods, so we could be extra understanding.
It's just the same with you."

     "But I've never had a period before. It's so humiliating!
Anyway, what do you mean, it's just the same with me?"

     "I guess I mean... I guess I mean you're family now, Ranma."

     Ranma-Chan sat up and blinked.  She thought, Akane, do you 
really mean that?

     "Anyway," Akane said, "why'd you stay in the bathroom all day?
Why didn't you just put in a tampon?"

     "I don't know how," Ranma-Chan said.

     "Well, come on home. I'll show you."

     "You'd really do that?"

     "Just like my sister showed me."

     They climbed down out of the tree and headed for the dojo. Akane
took Ranma-Chan's hand to lead her; they didn't let go.

Chapter Nineteen

     While she was on her way home, covered with mud from her 
triumphant tussle with Genma, Ukyo spotted Ryoga sitting in a tree
talking to himself.

     "Hey, Ryoga!" she called.

     He jumped, screamed, and fell headfirst at her feet. She helped
him up.

     "It's getting late. You weren't going to sleep in that tree,
were you?"

     "I... I don't know," Ryoga said. "Maybe. I'm used to worse.
I sleep outdoors all the time on training missions."

     "Well, come on back with me. I have an extra mat in the 
storeroom of the restaurant. You can pay me back by sweeping up in 
the morning."

     Ryoga nodded, and followed her through the dim Nerima streets.

     "I'm sorry I let you down," he said. "I couldn't keep Akane busy
long enough."

     "Yeah, well... I didn't do so well, either. I never even got to
say one word to Ran-chan. The fathers kept getting in my way, but...
I know it was really my fault. I just kept losing my temper. That's
not what martial arts training is supposed to be about."

     Ryoga nodded again. "You know, I keep losing my temper, too."

     Ukyo unlocked the front door of the restaurant. They went in, 
and she fixed some tea for the two of them. Ryoga shrugged off his 
backpack, and they sat at an empty table, sipping tea.

     "Come to think of it," Ukyo said, "everyone around here loses
his temper all the time."

     "That's right," Ryoga said. "I never met a bunch of martial
artists with so little self-control in my life." He scratched
his head. "Then again, I've never met another bunch of martial 
artists."

     "If it were a physical challenge," Ukyo said after a while,
"it would be easy. But you can't use martial arts to fight being in 
love."

     "You sure can't," Ryoga said.

     Ryoga stared at Ukyo. Ukyo stared at Ryoga. Through the partly
curtained window, Tsubasa, disguised as a tree stump, stared at Ukyo.
And in the sky outside, the moon rose, and the foul air and noise
from more distant Tokyo streets fell away. A breeze came up that 
smelled not of factory smoke and truck exhaust, but of flower petals.
And for the length of that night, as the quiet grew and evening
prayers were spoken and windchimes clinked on back porches and 
sleeping mats were unrolled and the stars glistened like tears, no 
anger was voiced, no blows were dealt,  and those who loved,  smiling
in recollection of a companion's face or choking off sobs at their
empty arms, at last knew what it was, for a while, to be at rest.

Chapter Twenty

     The next morning at breakfast Ranma had regained his appetite.
He scarfed down Kasumi's food like a steamshovel digging in soft 
soil.

     Sometime during the night, Akane had come in and poured warm 
water on him and changed him back. He knew it because he smelled
her perfume on the teakettle beside the bed. "Thanks, Akane," he 
said, touching her on the shoulder for a moment in the hall. Her only
reply was her cute crinkle-eyed smile.

     After breakfast, Ranma sparred with his father and dumped him in
the fish pond. About the time the fight ended, Mr. Tendo's students
started arriving. Ranma felt well enough to come into the dojo with
Soun and help out with the teaching. This meant getting thrown by 
clumsy students, over and over again, but he didn't mind. He was part
of the family, after all.

     "Thank you, Ranma," Soun said as Nabiki collected payment from
the boys. "You're very gentlemanly today."

     "No problem, Mr. Tendo." Ranma then made a circuit of the house,
found two boys looking in the ground floor windows and three others
trying to climb up to Akane's window, and calmly walked them off the
premises without shouting or hitting or throwing any of them.

     He then went upstairs to take a sponge bath and change clothes.
Akane and Nabiki were studying in their rooms; or, actually, Nabiki
was on the phone with someone talking about "net profit after tax."
Ranma smiled. This was all comforting to him. He really was part of 
the family.

     He stripped, carefully and slowly washed himself so he wouldn't
change into a girl, and walked back to his bedroom wrapped in a 
towel.

     There, perched like a vulture on the windowsill, was Tatewaki
Kuno. The sight of Kuno's perfect coif spoiled his mood.

     "Aaah! Get out of here, Kuno!"

     "Gladly," Kuno replied. "My presence in the bedchamber of such
a hated rival is as odious to me as to be confined in the malodorous
storeroom of a meat-packing factory. But before I go, I must have the
name of your second." He tossed a scroll to Ranma.

     "Oh, c'mon, Kuno. You're not challenging me again?" Ranma pulled
on his shorts and t-shirt.

     "Not I. Read on, miscreant."

     Ranma tore the scroll open. It read:

     "Ranma Saotome, I, Keiichi Kuno, challenge you to a martial
arts poetry match. I mean to win from you the freedom of the one 
known only as the pig-tailed girl." At the bottom, in small print,
was the meeting-place, the yard behind Dr. Tofu's clinic.

     "What?" Ranma shouted. "This is crazy! Who is this guy anyway?
Is this that guy I belted off the roof yesterday?"

     "I do not know what you mean," Tatewaki replied. "But difficult
indeed is it to call crazy the intricate workings of the heart, or 
the well-balanced emotions of the poet. Such a man is my cousin-the
man they call the Sun Sonneteer-Keiichi Kuno. I shall second him. 
Choose your second; for you and my cousin must surely duel at dusk."

     "I'll pick... uh... uh... What the hell is martial arts poetry
anyway?" Instinct told him to dodge an attack from behind; Akane 
charged in and still nearly crashed into him. "What's all this 
shouting about? I'm trying to *study!*" She saw Kuno in the window
and stopped, staring in disbelief. Her voice fell. "Uh... Tatewaki.
What are you doing here?"

     "Hey!" Ranma said. "Since when are you on a first-name basis
with him? He has life-size pictures of you hanging in the kendo 
clubhouse!"

     "What is this about?" Akane returned to a shriek. "Why can't
you both shut up and let me do my *chemistry?*"  Ranma felt the fist
coming, and as usual didn't dodge. A moment later his face had made
its imprint against the wall. "Read the scroll," he said through
the new swelling and loose teeth in his cheek.

     "What's this?" Akane took the scroll from Ranma's outstretched
hand. "Challenge?" She turned on Tatewaki. "What's this about, Kuno?
I thought you were finally starting to be reasonable!"

     "This scheme is not of my making," Tatewaki answered. "I but 
deliver the challenge. Ranma Saotome has only to select his second,
and I will retire from my perch. It is somewhat painful for my back,
since I am too tall and powerfully built to be crouched in this way."

     "I'll be his second," Akane roared. "Maybe that will get you 
people to finally leave us *alone!* Come on, Ranma."

     She peeled Ranma off the wall and dragged him out of the room
by his shirt collar.

     "Hey, what did I do?" Ranma protested. "This wasn't my idea!"

     A few seconds later, he saw Akane's window retreating behind
him and landed in the fish pond.

     "Akane is so uncute," Ranma-Chan said automatically.
But she couldn't mean it. She wasn't angry; she just felt a little
sick.

     Down in the street, Tatewaki strode vigorously back toward his
home. His cousin's newest ploy seemed mysterious to him; but only one
day of his cousin's help had already improved his relations with 
Akane Tendo. Hope was burgeoning within him. Notwithstanding
the soreness of his skull, and some stiffness from sleeping poorly,
he felt strong, and vigorous, ready to face new challenges.
With Akane Tendo by his side, he would soon...

     The afternoon sunlight dropped away. He felt a flow of cold 
liquid around his feet. He looked up at a small round circle of sky.

     "I have come full circle," he said. "At this place did the new
adventure begin; now, as fate's wheel turns, I have again descended
to the daunting nadir of my prospects. Yet I shall not let this omen
dissuade me. The game is still afoot, n'est ce pas?"

     He looked about for a moment in the gloom. Then:  "Sasuke!"

Chapter Twenty-One

     "What is martial arts poetry, anyway?" Ranma asked Dr. Tofu.
"I never heard of it."

     "Well," Dr. Tofu said. "I was at school when I first met people
who were into it. It's partly about balance, but mostly about how 
keen your senses are. It's an observation test. Of course, you have
to put your observations into the best words you can."

     "Well, balance is no problem," Ranma said.

     Akane snorted.

     "Oh, c'mon Akane. You could be a little more encouraging,
you know."

     "How many times have I knocked you off the fence, Ranma?" she 
argued. "And you can't keep your balance on ice skates at all."

     "Well, what do you expect me to do? Back down from the 
challenge?"

     They glared at each other, nose to nose.

     Dr. Tofu smiled, putting his hands between them. "Now, hold on.
There's no reason for you two to fight. It just so happens that I did
a little martial arts poetry in my day."

     "Great!" Ranma said. "So you can train me."

     Tofu shook his head. "Well, no, actually."

     "Well, then, you can be my second, instead of Akane."

     Akane snarled.  Ranma realized he'd misspoken and gave Akane
his most winning smile. "Just kidding, Akane. We're family, so we got
to stick together, right?"

     Akane kept scowling, but unclenched her fists at least.

     "I'm afraid I can't be your second anyway," Tofu said. 
"Actually, I agreed to be the judge."

     Ranma and Akane fell over backwards in their chairs, each with
one foot in the air.

     "Well, my malpractice insurance payment is due this month, and
Kasumi is making me lunch tomorrow," Tofu admitted. "I needed a 
little cash."

     "Well, then, at least explain the rules," Ranma said, "and we'll
figure out the rest."

     Tofu nodded. "I can do that, since it *is* part of the judge's
job description. First rule:  the two competitors have to stand in 
some uncomfortable and precarious position, like balanced on their
heads or on one finger, or on one foot on a bed of nails, for the 
whole competition. If you fall, you automatically lose. The 
competition is fought by noticing things in the environment
around you."

     "No big deal," Ranma said.

     "...and comparing them to other things," Dr. Tofu finished.
"You can't just say, 'The sky is blue.' You have to say 'The sky is 
clear and open as that crocus petal over there.'"

     Ranma nodded. "Okay. I can do that, too."

     "...and, you have to say it in beautiful language."

     "That ain't so tough," Ranma said.

     "Yeah, right," Akane sneered.

     "Actually, it's very difficult," Dr. Tofu said. "To compete
successfully at martial arts poetry, you have to be very much in 
touch with and very comfortable with your feelings. It's very hard
to say beautiful things. Most men find it embarrassing. I'll give you
an example. You're just sitting here in my waiting room right now;
you're not balanced on anything. I want you to say something nice 
about Akane, in as beautiful language as you can."

     "Uh..."

Ranma looked at Akane. The scowl fell from her face. She looked at 
him innocently, expectantly. "Go ahead, Ranma," she whispered.

     "Uh... Uh..."

     "Hurry up, Ranma!" she shouted. "Say something nice about me 
already!"

     "Uh...  You're stronger than most girls I know, except Shampoo,
of course.  Uh... you keep your room pretty clean."

     "Those aren't poetic," Tofu said quickly. "Keep trying, Ranma."

     "Uh...  You usually get your homework done on time.  Uh... you
never beat up your sisters. Uh..."

     "Come on, Ranma!" Tofu leaned closer. "She's right in front of 
you! This is your fiancee! You've spent more time with her than 
anyone else in the last year! Say what's really inside you, Ranma!
Say how you really feel about her!"

     "Uh... you don't order the most expensive thing on the menu at a
restaurant.  You... uh, you don't feed your cooking to animals.
You... "

     Ranma knew, then, that Akane was about to hit him, and that he 
deserved it. He saw her fingers bunch up, her arm drew back, and 
remembered, all in a flash, how that hand had felt last night in his,
gently leading him, squeezing just a little to say it was okay. Why
couldn't he say that? Why couldn't he...

     "Uh... Your hand can be hard as a rock or gentle as a... as a...
as a warm blanket on a cold night! Yeah, yeah, that's it! Please
don't hit me, Akane!"

     Akane relaxed. "It took you long enough," she said, folding
her arms in disgust.

     "That's it!" Tofu cried, excited. "Now you're getting the hang
of it. But now you see how hard it is. Think about how well you know
Akane, and how you feel about her-how you *really* feel about her-and
how long it took you to find the words. Now imagine doing the same
thing for objects you're just looking at for the first time." He sat
back, relaxing, sipping his tea.

     "So how do you like my chances against this Kuno guy now, huh,
Akane?" Ranma asked, sitting back also.

     Akane rolled her eyes.

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Y'all wanna learn a new dance?

Are you qualified to learn one?"

--- The Time

     Poetic qualifier #1

     Akane Tendo, 6, on a picnic:

     She is in a sundress yellow with orange flowers, and she has a 
big yellow hat over her eyes and black shoes with gold buckles and 
white ankle socks. She lies back on a hillside. Everyone else is down
at the bottom on a blanket. Mama-san will unpack the basket soon.
The sun is highest but Akane isn't hot. The sun's hand is on her and
even under her and it rubs gently against her bare arms, legs, face.
Grass wrinkles beneath her, and the crisp, wet smell of the blades
is there as she runs her hands along them. Dandelion wisps cling to 
the hair on the back of her neck. Her eyes are closed, but she can 
feel and see the bright spots the sun sneaks onto them, and she 
imagines herself in the center of the top of that hill and the hill
is forever, spotted with huge yellow flowers and dandelions bright
and even and the sun touches them all, and as she lies there she is 
no longer on the ground, but is rising, spinning, towards the sun,
slowly corkscrewing into the pale sky, and as she lies flat there
in the grass the space above dizzies her until she falls into it. 
It's just me, she thinks, just me just me and everything and I love
everything so much how do I say it? The hillside is gone and Akane
is just there floating in everything and all flows through her, and
leaves scatter past her ear, calling her back without words, to where
the grass is silky on her skin and a breeze is tickling her with the
edges of her dress and papa-san is coming up the hill to carry her 
down to where love is waiting

     Poetic qualifier #2

     Ryoga Hibiki, 8, in downtown Tokyo:

     Those Mega Robot World dolls looked great in the shop window:
Mega Robot Man came in burnished gold and dusky silver, and inside
his helmet was a blinking green light you could turn on and off, and
his arch-enemy Mind Destroyer was in black armor and you could remove
his helmet and see his skull. Then there were the three Mega Robot
Man monsters, Fly Face, Bone Eater, and Crushing Beetle. They looked
so cool, Fly Face with shiny blue compound eyes and Bone Eater with
the big ridged teeth in a mouth that grinned just a little and 
Crushing Beetle with saw-edged jaws and a button in the back that you
could push to make him bearhug Mega Robot Man. Ryoga didn't like 
Mitosis Robot Guy, the little black-and-white one with the red 
flashing light in his helmet, who should have been Mega Robot Man's
friend but was always trying to beat up Mega Robot Man so *he* could
be the number one hero serving Space Command. Ryoga never wanted
to be like Mitosis Robot Guy. But he stood there looking in the 
window of Ultra Scary Toy Shop thinking how great it would be to have
the others, while mama-san and papa-san were browsing at the news 
stand behind him. Maybe he could get them to buy just one of them for
him-after all, they said they were proud of him for taking second
place at that martial arts tournament-but he was afraid they'd pick
Mitosis Robot Guy. He didn't want to get stuck with Mitosis Robot
guy. But then he turned around to ask, and they weren't there. And 
there was no newsstand. Behind him there was nothing but pushing
people in dark raincoats, with their black and red umbrellas tilted
slightly forward against the rain. Ryoga couldn't see the street
past the crowd, but he could hear it, the groan and puffing of 
delivery trucks and the creaking of car brakes and the distorted
shouting from an advertising speaker. "Have you considered the future
of your uninsured automobile? Have you considered the future of your
uninsured automobile?"

     "Mama-san!" Ryoga shouted. But she couldn't hear him. There was
so much noise he couldn't hear himself. His parents were at a 
newsstand, he knew that, a newsstand right on the street, but where
was it? He stepped into the crowd, maybe to get to the curb, got 
pushed left, right, forward, back, shouted "Mama-san!" again, got 
spun around three times, walked a little way with the crowd, was 
pushed again, came out against another shop window. He could see 
inside, dark, narrow aisles lit by blue neon lights, and boxes rising
almost to the roof. Even Ultra Scary Toy Shop was gone now.

Ryoga was lost again.

     Poetic Qualifier #3

     Xian Pu, 5, in a field outside Joketsuzoku:

The fire is lit, and a gray smoke curls upward to the edge of the 
firelight. Great-grandmother has promised to tell the girls a story
after today's training exercises. All the girls are a little sleepy
now, and their arms and legs and backs are hurting a little, but Xian
Pu sits up straighter than all the others, so Great-grandmother
can see that she's not tired, that she's ready to do whatever 
Great-grandmother wants.

Great-grandmother has built this fire and is blowing on it. Mu Tsu 
and some other boys gathered the firewood and now are kneeling
in a little crowd just outside the firelight, waiting, like the girls
are, for the story. The orange light of the blaze plays along 
Great-grandmother's face, making her eyes, her silver hair shine as 
shadows flicker across her wrinkled cheeks.

Xian Pu hears the soft panting of the other girls near her. There
is even someone giggling on the other side of the fire. But Xian Pu 
holds her head steady, her back straight, and keeps her breathing
even. Her knees are bent and her hands are folded in her lap. She 
knows she will be the strongest Amazon warrior out of all these girls
and out of many girls to come. Great-grandmother will be proud of 
her.

Great-grandmother sits back now, her hands invisible in her hanging
sleeves as they wrap around the end of her tall and knotted staff.
Xian Pu hopes she will tell an Ancestor story, about how a great 
Amazon warrior killed a warlord or a monster to protect the village.

The burning wood snaps and pops. Xian Pu watches Great-grandmother's
face change slightly, tilting left, right, forward, back as she 
thinks:  her lips tighten, her eyes narrow and then suddenly widen,
her invisible hands shift on the staff as she swallows, and the story
begins.

Poetic Qualifier #4

     Ukyo Kuonji, 6

     Ukyo loved the smell of freshly-cut wood and the feel of sawdust
in her hand. The wooden floor of what would be Father's new 
okonomiyaki shop felt good, almost soft, as she sat at the center,
looking at the incomplete tangle of beams and corners overhead.
No one was working here now; Father had left her to play. She had a 
wooden toy griddle and spatula. She made piles of sawdust on the 
griddle, pretended they were okonomiyaki, used wood chips for chopped
vegetables. There! Almost good enough to eat. If only she had someone
to play with, to pretend eating it the way she pretended to make it!
But Ranma was gone. She'd cried; Father said, "He's a mean little
boy. My Ukyo can do better. There there."

     I want to be a mean little boy, Ukyo told herself. No little
boy will ever be mean to me again.  She scooped the sawdust 
okonomiyaki, watched it fall away from the spatula, and started
again. She pretended the batter was sizzling, carefully placed each
bit of vegetable until they formed the katakana for "Ucchan."
She imagined father coming up and ordering an okonomiyaki,
and smiling and holding his belly and laughing at how good it was.
And then she saw another customer, and another, and another, licking
their lips and rubbing their hands together with greedy hunger,
and all of them would want her and need her, and she would never be 
alone again. Finally even Ranma would come back, would come back to 
laugh at her, and then she'd take her spatula and hit him between
the eyes.

Chapter Twenty-Three

     "So, Ranma Saotome! We meet at last!"

     There he was, across Dr. Tofu's yard from Ranma-the same 
scroll-toting buffoon as the previous day. He now had a katana-length
scroll at his belt, and was in ceremonial dueling clothes. This was
Keiichi Kuno-the Sun Sonneteer, or whatever. His cousin Tatewaki
stood behind him, arms folded, blathering.

     "How sweet the solemn rose at the first snow; how it shivers,
how it..."

     "Hey, cut it out!" Ranma shouted. "It's not bad enough I have
to listen to this guy's poetry without yours, too!"

     Akane was inside talking to Dr. Tofu. This was Ranma's only 
moment to put an end to this thing. "Look, Kuno," he said to Keiichi,
"why don't you and me talk about this thing for a minute, you know,
privately, before we start."

     "Ah," said Keiichi. "A confession? Or a guilty conscience?
But it shall be as you say. I fear to exchange words with no man, 
even a lecherous, overbearing cad such as you."

     "I shall step within, and inquire after the health of Akane,"
Tatewaki said.

     When Ranma and his opponent were alone in the yard, Ranma said,
"Look, I tried to tell you yesterday. You can't make me give up the
pig-tailed girl because she and I are the same person."

     "Fiend," Keiichi replied quietly. "You are so brazenly confident
of your hold upon her, that she speak as if you are soul mates."

     "Listen, jerk," Ranma shouted. "I gave up trying to tell your
cousin a long time ago, but I'm gonna give you one more shot before
I beat you up. Okay, pal? Now listen! This is the real me, but 
sometimes I turn into that girl. You got it?"

     "A cross-dresser?"

     "NO! A curse!"

     "Ah. Multiple personality disorder."

     Ranma wasn't quite sure what this meant. "Yeah, sure," he said.
"Have it your way. If I could get rid of the girl body, I would,
but right now I can't, okay?"

     Keiichi's eyes narrowed. "You hold her body in thrall?"

     "NO!! God, are you stupid! I thought poets were supposed to be 
smart!"

     Keiichi shook his head. "How little you understand. Intelligence
establishes fences upon perception. These fences are not useful in 
poetic endeavor. A fool can easily be a poet. I am no fool, yet when
I prepare to compete, I make myself one. Poetry is not a matter of 
reason, but of intuition."

     "Look," Ranma said, "what I'm trying to tell you is that you 
challenged me for nothing. This is your only chance to surrender,
or you're gonna get hurt. I'm gonna do anything I have to do to beat
you."

     "Ha! It is you who shall be humiliated, Ranma Saotome! There
is no tactic you may try for which I am not prepared!" Keiichi walked
back across the yard, laughing hysterically. "'Thou hadst better
been born a dog,'" he quoted, "'than answer my wak'd wrath.'"

     Well, so much for that, Ranma thought. He had never once been
able to talk himself out of a fight with anyone named Kuno. But at 
least he'd tried; now it was time for some indiscriminate
grappling. He stood up a bit straighter, took some deep breaths
to gather in energy.

     Meanwhile, inside, Dr. Tofu was in the kitchen preparing
some tea before the duel started. This left Akane and Tatewaki
alone in the waiting room.

     "I am sorry this challenge has caused you distress, Akane 
Tendo," Tatewaki told her. "By delivering the challenge in the manner
I did, I hoped you would not be involved. I wish you to trust me."
He spoke in a soft voice, like when he was reciting poetry, and he 
had his hands folded and his head slightly bowed.

     "Well, if you want me to trust you," Akane answered, "maybe
you should tell me what this is all about."

     Tatewaki closed his eyes and shook his head a few times. Then
he opened his eyes again. "So be it. I shall be truthful with you,
Akane Tendo. My cousin Keiichi wishes to seduce the pig-tailed
girl. It is his intention to seduce her, and then cruelly to spurn
her, so that I may come to her rescue, to be a wise mentor and 
thereby win her affection."

     Akane grabbed the edge of a table to keep her face from hitting
the floor. She stood blinking at Kuno. She felt something rumbling
within her. It was...  laughter.

     "Ah hahahahahahahahaha! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard,
Kuno!"

     Kuno looked shocked. "Well, I admit to having certain misgivings
about the strategy, but all the same..."

     "Ah hahahahahahahaha! It will never work! Not in a million
years!"

     "Well, perhaps not, but..."

     "Ah hahahahahahahaha!  You actually agreed to this plan? Are you
sure you're getting the right vitamins and minerals in your diet?
Ah hahahahahahahaha!"

     Kuno stamped on the floor. "You must take me seriously,
Akane Tendo! I am an upperclassman!"

     Akane stopped laughing. "I'm sorry, Kuno, but it's such a stupid
plan. Your cousin will never seduce Ranma! What other lamebrained
schemes has he come up with?"

     "My cousin is very wise indeed," Kuno replied. "I know his 
strategies can help me with the pig-tailed girl, since they have 
already helped me with...' He stopped, slapped a hand over his mouth.

     Akane felt her muscles tensing and her eyes narrowing. "Helped
you with what, Kuno? Helped you with what?"

     "Trust, and honesty," Kuno said to himself. "Alas, I am all 
undone. Out, damned spot! My cousin's advice has helped me with you,
Akane Tendo. You have spoken your thoughts to me, and I to you. 
Perhaps had we continued thus, for a time, you might have come to 
desire the affection which I have already made plain to you."

     "So that's it!" Akane shouted. "That's why you were being so 
reasonable! It's all a trick!"

     "'Doubt thou the stars are fire,'" Kuno quoted, "'and doubt that
the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I 
love.'"

     "Two girls at once?" She let her fist go. "You never told the 
truth for a minute!"

     Tatewaki crashed o