Talk Like Retarded Four-Year-Old?

Max Krugman

Insert the usual disclaimer.


     "Airen!" Shampoo shouted joyously, catching sight of her fiancé.
Ranma, the aforementioned 'airen', now on his way to school, cringed,
expecting to shortly be flattened by a large wooden mallet or by one
Akane Tendou - which usually came to the same thing, only 
occasionally without the mallet. His expectations were, as usual,
correct. While he attempted to get to his feet, the mallet-wielder
turned to face Shampoo.
     "What do you want this time, you Chinese bimbo?" asked Akane
with a righteous sniff. "If this is about that stupid pervert,
you can have him."
     "Aiyah, poor Airen!" Shampoo exclaimed. "Violent 
kitchen-destroyer hurt Airen too-too bad. Shampoo make better!"
She continued in the same vein for several minutes, while Akane's
grip on her bag got tighter and her knuckles began to turn white.
Finally she exploded, turning on the Chinese girl with a scream. 
     "I've had enough of this! You Chinese idiot, when are you going
to quit talking like a retarded four-year-old and start speaking
proper Japanese? You've been livin here for over twelve months,
and you still speak like Tarzan! Come on, Ranma, we're leaving."
Akane took hold of Ranma's foot and dragged him painfully in the 
general direction of Furinkan High. Oddly enough, Shampoo did not 
follow, instead staying in one place and muttering in Chinese.               
     *I talk like I'm four? How... retarded? I don't And who's 
Tarzan, anyway? Wait a minute...* her eyes narrowed slightly.
"Great-grandmother..." she said in Japanese. Then she turned and 
jumped onto a nearby rooftop, heading towards the Nekohanten.

     "GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!" Shampoo screamed in unaccented Japanese.
"WHERE ARE YOU HIDING NOW?" Cologne hopped down the restaurant's
stairway on top of her ever-present wooden staff and spoke weakly
to her granddaughter. 
     "Yes, Shampoo? You know you mustn't shout, I have a weak 
heart..."
     "And a feeble mind! Did you really think that I wouldn't find
out? 'Oh, Shampoo', you said 'You must learn to speak proper 
Japanese'. Hah! I should have known you were lying. First making
me obey that absurd village law about chasing down and killing anyone
who beat me, and then making me toy with the bitch, not even letting
me go through with it... And then trying to make me marry the jerk!
I don't even like him! But this is the last straw... making me speak
like a retard? I should have known that you were full of shit, as 
usual. I've held back so far, out of some kind of weird respect
- hell, maybe I'm some kind of masochist - but this is it! 'What kind
of stupid language makes you refer to yourself in the third person,
and by name?' I asked, and you said 'why, the Japanese, daughter!
I'm to old and set in my ways, but you can learn it properly!'
I should have known! I sounded like an idiot even to myself, and 
maybe I am... how could I not have noticed that everyone in the damn
country speaks differently! I know perfect Japanese, and you told 
me... You heard me talking like... Well... now you're finished
now. Just tell me one thing: Why? What kind of sick mind comes up 
with something like this?" Shampoo stood breathing heavily and 
glaring at the old woman, who answered somewhat nervously:
     "Er... I was bored. And it was... it was... really, really 
HILARIOUS!" Cologne fell off her staff, laughing too hard to keep her
balance. Shampoo's eyes widened, then narrowed. Mousse, who had been
watching from the doorway of the restaurant, noticed the signs and 
ran like hell away from the Nekohanten. Shampoo, now glowing a slight
shade of blue, screamed:
     "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

     Mousse, although by now several blocks away, did not fully 
escape the explosion.



Author's Notes:


So? What do you think? The idea came to me in a very disturbing
dream. Originally I had posted with a weird DBZ ending, but got an 
overwhelming amount of flames. I just wanted to post something
complete, rather than the nigh infinite series of incomplete
posts that will, I think, follow. Just so you know: I started a 
Ranma/WOT crossover a while ago, made one post, and stopped. I am not
going to continue. So don't bother checking.