I own nothing, etc., etc. (Insert usual disclaimer)


Well, here it is. My first fanfic. Not that anyone cares... I know
that it might be difficult to send advice based on something like 
this, in a humorous style. Still, if anyone can manage a review or 
two I'd really appreciate it. I'm planning on a much longer one 
involving... well, I'm not really sure, but I have plenty of ideas.
In fact, I do know what it would involve, but not what the main theme
would be. Anyway, for this purpose I ask two more things: The correct
spelling of the Moko Takabisha, Hiryuu Shoten Ha, etc., plus that of
Kodachi's crocodile. I'm not Japanese and have no access to the manga
except for the first seven volumes, which I downloaded. In case there
is anyone out there with an exceptionally charitable mind, I ask one
more thing: Some sort of condensed version of the Herb and Saffron
parts of the manga. All I know is what I got from some other fanfics,
most notably Waters Under Earth. Well, anyway, I'm hoping someone
out there'll say: "Well, why not? I haven't got anything better to 
do..." and, thus, might give me the answers to at least some of my 
questions. Anyone so inclined should send whatever it is to 
MaxCarlos88@yahoo.com. If possible, I would also wish for the 
approximate yen-dollar rate. And one last thing: I would appreciate
it if someone could give me the English and/or Japanese name of a 
anime or manga series released in Mexico with the name "Fly". It 
involved a boy who is brought up by a good monster made of mud (I 
think). The boy later turns out to be the Dragon Knight, or Dragon
Warrior... at any rate. Dragon Something, and he gets the sign of the
Dragon on his forehead when he gets angry. Damn Mexicans change the
name on everything... I would really appreciate it if someone could
tell me. Sometimes I can't sleep at night trying to remember...
anyway, you know where to send it. If anyone is offended at my using
a fanfic to ask for several dozen things, they can do what they 
will... just don't hire a hitman. 
   Feel free to send flames and/or R&R, although I have no idea what
that stands for... but do what you will. I forgot to ask before,
but send criticism and suggestions to the above e-mail address,
the more the better. Please. Really. If you don't, may your left eye
become rotten and fall out, and your right elbow be gnawed on by 
seventeen gangrenous hamsters, each with one red eye and one purple
one. 

                                                                          
Max Krugman




RANMA VS. BARNEY

Chapter 1: Fear
   
   A flash of silver. Impact. Then nothing. With his usual near 
supernatural resilience, Ranma came to just in time to receive a 
second blow to the face. He felt a third strike his groin, and then
blacked out, whispering dread, suicidal words: "Stupid tomboy..."
   Akane wreaked havoc on Ranma's supine form before Kasumi called
her from the kitchen. "Coming!" She shouted, launching Ranma into 
orbit with a perfectly placed mallet-blow that would have put Tiger
Woods to shame. Then she headed for the kitchen. With her first step
inside, the world seemed to tremble in fear.
   Ranma landed, as usual, on a futon in Doctor Tofu's clinic. After
being healed slightly, he walked back to the Tendou Dojo. As he 
stepped inside, he heard Kasumi cry out: "Dinner's Ready!" Showing
amazing speed, Ranma was sitting at the table in exactly 0.03986
seconds. Kasumi came and placed a covered dish in front of him. 
   Ranma suddenly noticed something. "Say, where'd everyone go? Pop
never misses a meal... something's wrong here. Kasumi?"
   Kasumi had a pitying look on her face. "Ranma... today Akane 
cooked a special meal for you." She uncovered the plate and showed
something horrible.
   Ranma screamed. The loathsome, unnamable and strangely colored
abomination in front of him seemed to be moving slightly. A large
tentacle emerged from the evil-smelling thing and was instantly
vaporized by a chi blast. Ranma spoke in fear: "I... I can't eat that
thing. No matter what you do to me, I..." At that moment he heard
a sound behind him. He turned with a sinking feeling only to see 
Akane standing there with a large steel mallet in her hands. "Eat up,
Ranma. I made it especially for you." She said with teeth bared. 
   "But - Akane, I..."
   "Eat it."
   "No! That..."
   "Eat it!"
   "Akane..."
   "EAT IT!!!!!!"
   "Okay..."
   Ranma, unsure of what to do to it, lifted a large gooey blob of it
to his mouth. He paused. "Just out of curiosity... what is this?"
   "Shrimp a la mode" Akane said.
   "Shouldn't have asked..."
   With a terrified look on his face, Ranma put the thing in his 
mouth and swallowed. Then...
   "RANMA! PREPARE TO DIEEE... What?"
   Ryouga had come at exactly the right moment. With very 
uncharacteristic intelligence he instantly grasped the situation.
"Ranma! No!" He cried. Lifting the by now purplish Ranma and holding
him in his arms, Ryouga left through the wall muttering "Hold on, 
Ranma... not even you deserve this kind of death..." Unfortunately,
Ryouga's directional sense betrayed him again. He ended up, not at 
Tofu's clinic as he'd meant, but at a place somewhere in the United
States.                                              
   After racing at a high speed through the streets of this unknown
city, Ryouga saw a sign proclaiming: 'DOCTOR'. Ryouga burst through
the wall and forced a frightened old man to attend his friend. Ranma
was in luck: he had not swallowed the thing. On the way down his 
throat it had extruded suckers and clamped on to his mouth. The 
problem was that the thing was in contact with his tongue, and was 
rapidly killing him, albeit indirectly - his body wouldn't let him 
breathe in the fumes released by the thing, and thus was choking
him.
   The good doctor managed to remove the thing and drop it into a 
plate, waking Ranma rather quickly. When the doctor demanded payment
Ryouga threw ten yen on top of a nearby table and took his leave,
ignoring the frustrated doctor. He stopped less than a block away to
give Ranma a chance to recover, and somehow didn't hear the screams
as the doctor's office exploded in a storm of tentacles. 
   Ranma finally spoke: "Ryouga... why? I thought you hated me."
   "I do," replied Ryouga gruffly. "But you should die at my hands,
not... and besides, you know I couldn't just let you die..." a 
crystalline tear ran down his cheek. "I know you would have done the
same for me... old friend..."
   Thoroughly scared now, Ranma attempted - successfully - to bring
back the old Ryouga: "You're right... no one deserves to die at the
hands of Akane's cooking..."
   "Monster! How dare you insult Akane?"
   Tears now streaming freely down his face, Ryouga began to chase
Ranma down the street with his umbrella, when suddenly...
   "...ve you, you....... we're..."
   The haunting strains of music flowed through the streets, emptying
them in an instant, leaving only a lame pedestrian that moaned in 
fear as he scuttled away as fast as he could. Ranma looked at Ryouga,
who nodded. As martial artists they could not disregard this 
situation... whatever it was. They both began to walk towards the 
source of the music.
   As they got closer to the spot it came from they began to see 
signs of even more hurried departure than where they had been before.
And all the time the music got louder and clearer.
   Ranma felt cold all of the sudden. He felt something - a chill
he had felt just before meeting Happousai, Cologne, and most notably
Herb and Saffron. It was a tremendous chi aura, nearly as large as 
Saffron's but far more insidious. 
   Showing strange caution, Ranma pulled Ryouga down into a pile of 
garbage nearby. There was, of course, a bucket of water near the bag
Ranma was jumping for, so he ended up female with Ryouga on top of 
him, frantically trying to get off. At that moment it came. Even 
Ranma recognized it - Ryouga wasn't looking towards it, but he 
stiffened when he felt it's malign power.
   "Ranma... what?"
   "It... It's..."
   Ryouga turned and stifled a scream. That virulent purple - that
sickly green - those eyes, like pools of liquid evil... he recognized
it too.
   "Ranma, that's... he's..."
   "Shhh! Quiet..."
   The creature looked towards the two warriors, who felt an 
unfamiliar sensation: Fear. Its eyes stared at their hiding place,
and for a few horror-stricken moments Ranma thought it had seen them.
Just when Ranma was finding it hard to hold back a scream, it moved
on. And behind it...
   It was clearly the leader. But there were still others... evil and
powerful as well, although not in It's league. It seemed to take an 
eternity, but finally they passed. The boys watched them scuttle
through a bright red door in the side of a hill. 
   "Ranma..." Ryouga was shaking, barely on his feet.
   "I know." Replied Ranma. "We'll have to..."
   Ryouga nodded wordlessly. "We can't do it alone, though."
   Ranma looked at the sky thoughtfully. "We'll need help... I guess
I can get Shampoo and Ukyou... I should be able to get the Kunous
to help... Mousse'll come if Shampoo's with us... maybe I can get Pop
and Tendo-san... and if we're lucky, the ghoul and the old letch."
   "Do we need that many? With that much firepower we could probably
take down Microsoft."
   "We need them. Did you see how many they were? I'll try to get 
Pantyhose Tarou, too... there were rumors about him being in the 
area."
   "Well... alright." Ryouga still looked doubtful. "But I think it's
overkill."
   "For Barney? We may need more than that before this is over. All
we can do is pray... but we can't let it live. Did you see its eyes?"
Ranma shuddered. "Don't underestimate it."
   "How do you know so much about him?"
   "It, Ryouga... It. I know about it because... it was on a tour in
China. I was there. I don't want to remember the details."
   "Oh."
   They headed back... unsure how they would return to Japan, but 
trusting in the Kami. Ryouga looked at the night sky and remembered
two eyes like holes into hell... and he shivered, cursing America's
weather.    

End Chapter 1.



Chapter 2: Gathering

   It had taken them over a month to return to Japan. Neither had 
much money, and Ryouga's directional impairment had kicked into 
gear... within a week Ranma, walking, had seen at least three dozen
countries. And he was pretty sure that the place with the man-eating
mutant hamsters had been somewhere else entirely. Still, they were
finally back.
   Both were starving. After staggering into the Tendou's yard they'd
refused to answer any questions unless they were "Want another 
helping?" After gorging themselves for nearly three hours and taxing
even Kasumi's patience, they finally finished. 
   Ranma sighed in relief, picking at his teeth with a twig. He 
screamed suddenly as it stabbed violently into his gum, but recovered
rapidly. After this, Ryouga did his best to answer their questions
while Ranma yawned profusely. Eventually he cut in, saying: "Say,
Ryouga... it's time to tell them, man."
   "You're right. Of course. I should have remembered. Yeah, I..."
   Ranma rapped him viciously on the skull. "Get a grip, P-Chan."
   "Don't start, Ranma..." Ryouga said ominously. "We've got more 
important things to do than fight among ourselves."
   Abruptly Ranma looked a bit sheepish. "Right... well... it all 
started when we ended up in this American city..." It didn't take him
long to finish.
   Akane looked skeptical. "So, you're saying that we all have to go
fight Barney, who is an evil chi master?"
   "No! I mean... well... yeah, sorta. But you had to be there. He...
it was scary."
   Akane changed her mind. If Ranma was scared... well... in her 
opinion, something that could get through his pig-headedness
was a force to reckon with. "Alright, Ranma... I'm with you."
   "NO!" Shouted Ranma and Ryouga simultaneously. They looked at each
other, slightly embarrassed. Ranma tried again. "Akane, it... it 
could be dangerous... I..."
   "Of course, I will come along to protect my baby. You will come
also, won't you, old friend?" Soun started weeping copiously for no 
apparent reason. 
   "Yes, yes... whatever, just..." Genma tried ineffectually
to calm down his friend.
   "Oh, my!" Said Kasumi, also for no apparent reason.
   "I can help you to get there, but it'll cost you..." Said Nabiki
thoughtfully.
   Ranma threw up his hands in disgust. "Fine," he said. "Just don't
expect me to let you go in by yourself." He jumped over a wall and 
began walking in the opposite direction from which they had come.
   Ryouga caught him quickly and said nothing for a few moments.
Then he spoke quietly. "So... you're letting her come? Just like 
that?" There was little doubt about whom he referred to.
   Ranma sighed. "When she said she'd come... she got this look in 
her eyes. I knew I couldn't convince her. So we'll just have to keep
her safe."
   Ryouga smiled after a moment, faintly. "We will, won't we?"
   "Come on... the Kunou estate is right around the corner." And the
two boys walked on.
   
   Even if they hadn't known the place they would have noticed it, 
mostly because of the demented laughter issuing from the open gate.
Ryouga looked askance at Ranma, who winced. 
   "Kodachi?"
   "Yep."
   They walked in, keeping an eye out for poisonous vegetation.
When they reached Kodachi, Ranma was forced to roll into a bush to 
avoid her glomp attack. "Hold on... Kodachi, I'm here to ask you a 
favor."
   "Anything for you, Ranma-sama..."
   Ranma explained the situation and was surprised when Kodachi
answered reasonably. "If what you say is true - not that I would 
doubt you - then I have to go. It is my duty as a Kunou." To his 
further surprise, she did not attempt to glomp, paralyze or otherwise
drug him... in fact, she simply walked beside him looking preoccupied
with some private thought.
   When they got near Tatewaki, Ranma drew Ryouga aside and whispered
in his ear for a few moments. Ryouga nodded and pulled Kodachi over
to a bench. She giggled and murmured something that made Ryouga blush
profusely. Meanwhile, Ranma walked over to Kodachi's crocodile
pond and triggered his transformation. He muttered to himself:
"It's for the good of mankind... for Pop... For Akane..." As he 
walked over to where he'd seen Kunou.
   When Kunou saw him he launched himself towards Ranma, being 
stopped in midair by a combination face-groin-gut attack. After this
he stayed at a safe distance speaking to his pig-tailed goddess:
"Ah, my humble abode is now truly blessed... surely only the presence
of the beauteous Tendou Akane could be more glorious... My goddess
in pigtails has finally come to me!" At this point he forgot himself
and jumped at Ranma once more. Unfortunately for him, Ranma ducked.
Thus he sailed majestically into Kodachi's aforementioned
crocodile pond, sinking ponderously while soliloquizing.
He emerged rather quickly, pursued by a large amphibian. Ranma 
stopped his flight with a simple kick to the skull. Once he had 
Kunou's undivided attention he put his problem in simple - although
slightly colored - terms.
   "So, my pig-tailed goddess needs me to defeat an evil ogre? Never
fear... Kunou Tatewaki, Blue Thunder of Furinkan, will prevail!"
He started to run towards the gate, but was stopped by Ranma's hand
on his collar.
   "Say, Kunou... this monster is too strong even for you. There'll
be some others. I won't be there, but Ranma Saotome will."
   "Alas, that the foul sorcerer Saotome still holds you under his 
thrall! I will defeat this ogre, for you have asked it of me, but 
then I shall free both you and the fair Tendou Akane from Saotome's
evil spell!"
   "Uh... yeah. Well, anyways, go over to where Ryouga Hibiki and 
your sister are. I'll get some more help."
   "Anything for you!" Kunou ran off in a distinctly wrong direction,
but soon returned pursued once again by Midorigame. Ranma sighed
and headed towards the Ucchan's. [Good old Ucchan...] he thought.
[I can always trust her, anyway...]

   It only took him a few minutes to get to the Ucchan's. He walked
in, but decided to have a bite to eat before anything else. After
consuming a dozen okonomiyaki he was ready. "Ucchan, me and some 
others are going to America to fight a gaijin monster named Barney.
I was hoping you could come along."
   "Sure, Ran-chan. I'll go."
   "Alright. Go over to the Kunou estate. You'll find Ryouga and the
Kunous already there. Wait for me."
   "Sure thing, Ran-chan." She winked at him and left, pursued by 
Konatsu screaming: "Wait for me, Ukyou-sama!"
   Ranma smiled, remembering the old days, when Ucchan was his only
friend. Then he headed for the Nekohanten.

   When he stepped through the door a wrinkled creature on a stick
greeted him. "Hello, Son-in-law." It said. "What's up, old ghoul?"
Ranma asked amicably. Cologne slammed her staff into his head. "Are
you here to take Shampoo as your wife?"
   "Sorry, old g - Cologne. Give me some food and I'll tell you."
   After several bowls of ramen and a kettle of hot water, Ranma 
explained everything to the Amazons. At the end Cologne nodded 
wisely. "Yes, Son-in-law... I have heard of this Barney. He is a 
fitting enemy, and does not require a dishonor to kill. Shampoo,
get Mousse and pack."
   "Yes, great-grandmother." Shampoo left Ranma with her aged 
ancestor.
   "Listen, old - Cologne -, meet me with Shampoo and the rest at the
Kunou estate. You'll find some others. Meanwhile, where's the old 
letch?"
   "Happy? I heard screams a few blocks down to the south just a 
while ago. You should find him there. I think the Pantyhose boy 
should be there too."
   "Tarou. Right." Ranma left towards the screams, which had shifted
to a more westerly direction.

   He found a large group of screaming women throwing various 
household articles at Happousai, who was perched on Tarou's head on a
nearby roof. Most of the heavier objects being thrown seemed to have
struck Tarou.
   "Well, if it isn't Fem-Boy. Why have you come here? To laugh at 
me? Ill show you laughter!" Tarou, teeth bared, tried to sit up but
was struck sharply at the back of the skull by Happousai's pipe. 
"What is it, boy? Come to comfort me in my old age?"
   "Happousai. Have you ever heard of Barney?"
   "Do you mean Barney Jameson, a gaijin that used to live two blocks
away from me with a beautiful woman in his house? Ah, I remember
her... her panties glittered beautifully in the morning sun..."
Lost in memories, he still managed to block Ranma's fist and pour a 
hidden glass of water on him. "Ah, much better. Well then, I suppose
you don't mean him... Hilda, I think her name was... but then who?"
   Ranma gave him a quick description of Barney, and was surprised
to see a battle aura appear around Happousai. 
   "Quickly, boy... remember. Was he like this?" Happousai took a 
black stone out of a pocket.
   "Er... I thought he was bigger..."
   "No, fool! Hold the stone... feel it with your chi."
   Ranma obeyed, and shuddered. The stone felt cold and evil in his
hand, and it produced the same fear that Barney had. "Yeah... it was
like that." Happousai looked grave. "Boy, that is the chi signature
of the render of worlds... lord of the clowns... the Purple King.
If the King is here, all is surely lost..." Assuming an odd look of 
responsibility, Happousai nodded sharply. "I will help you. I expect
Cologne will be there too, and together we may stop him. Pantyhose,
you come too."
   Tarou snarled and attempted to rise yet again but was stopped
by a blow to the head. "If you come, perhaps I will change your 
name."
   "Alright then... as long as that's the deal..." Tarou agreed.
   Ranma smiled grimly. "Alright then, let's go. Everyone else should
be at the Kunou estate.       
     End Chapter 2



Chapter 3: Planning
      
   When they reached the meeting place they found a scene of total
chaos. Akane, Shampoo, Kodachi and Ukyou were screaming angrily
off to the right, Cologne was beating Mousse viciously over the head
as he tried to reach Shampoo, and Kunou was standing on a bench 
shouting something about his Pig-tailed Goddess. Ryouga was nowhere
to be seen, but Soun was weeping somewhere in the background
and a panda was holding up a sign certifying him as "Just a Panda."
Ranma sighed. 
   First things first: Ranma threw a large rock with perfect 
accuracy, knocking Kunou into Midorigame's pond. Next he jumped 
between the four girls and yelled at them until they were quiet.
Cologne could take care of Mousse, so he merely booted his father
at Soun. Once he had them gathered again, he began to speak. "You all
know why you're here. We have to go to America to defeat an evil 
demon named Barney. Nabiki is lending us the money at only 500% 
interest, so that's fine. So, what are we waiting for?" He began to 
walk towards the gate but suddenly stopped. "Right... Ryouga."
After thinking for a moment he bent down and hefted a medium sized
rock. Then he threw it high into the air without looking.
   "Ranmarrgh..." Came from behind him. Ranma turned and smiled as he
saw an unconscious Ryouga. "Well, what do you know. It worked!"
   "Looks like you have a small problem..." Nabiki smirked and rubbed
her fingers together suggestively. Ranma sighed. "We went over that
already. Now how much do you want?"
   Nabiki's smile grew wider. She looked thoughtful for a second.
"You understand that this is aside from the loan and interest,
right? I need something now, though... I'm sure you see why."
   "Yeah, yeah... how much?"
   "Oh... just some 10000 yen."
   Ranma's eyes bulged. "Ten thousand... besides the... what was it?
Sixty? Where do you expect me to find that much? I ain't got a job,
you know."
   "Kunou."
   Ranma looked relieved. "Oh. Right. Well then, let's go."
   
   Considering the chaotic nature of Nerima and it's inhabitants,
it took a surprisingly short time to get to the airport and board
their plane. Ranma lay back in his seat and closed his eyes. Ryouga
looked at him incredulously. "You're sleeping? Before we fight that?"
   Ranma eyed him. "I should get some rest... I haven't slept much
lately, and I have to be at my best. You should sleep too, P-chan."
   Ryouga snarled. "I won't fight you now, but once this is over..."
   "Yeah, whatever. Now let me sleep."

   When they reached their destination - Chicago - they took a couple
of cabs to a Holiday Inn. Although none of the Nerimans except Ryouga
knew much English, he managed to get what they needed with knowledge
attained through travel... food, rooms, and cable TV. Once they had
rented their rooms - three of them, with two small beds each, and two
to a bed - the problems began.
   "Ranma-sama will, of course, sleep with me." Said Kodachi.
   "Ran-chan will sleep with me, not some psycho." Ukyou said.
   "Ranma can sleep wherever he wants... in fact, why don't you both
sleep with him?" Growled Akane.
   Shampoo spoke up angrily. "Airen will stay with Shampoo. Not 
crazy-crazy ribbon girl. Not spatula girl. And not violent pervert
girl."
   Mousse whined: "But Shampoo, I love you! Can't we be together?"
   Shampoo slammed a fist into his skull. "No, stupid Mousse."
   Ranma backed away hastily from the argument... already 
degenerating into a melee. "Hold on... why not do it by chance?
We could hold a sort of lottery..." To his surprise, the girls 
actually listened to him. Kodachi sniffed. "Very well. Surely the 
gods would not be so cruel as to leave my love and I apart."
   Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo can accept that."
   Ukyou shrugged. "Whatever. After all, Ran-chan already picked
me out as the 'cute' fiancée, remember?"
   Akane turned away. "Do what you want. Just make sure that I have
somewhere to sleep." 
   Ryouga meanwhile began working quietly and efficiently.
He soon finished preparing thirteen small scraps of paper, each with
two numbers scrawled on it. "The first number is the room you're
in. The second one is the bed. So, if you have a 413 and a 1, that
means you'll be in room 413... and the first bed from the door. 
Whoever gets a 0 is going to have to sleep on the floor, or wherever
else he can. Got it?" They all nodded. Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"Wow, Ryouga... didn't know you were so good at organizing stuff.
Way to go, P-chan!" 
   Ryouga turned red, but did not take the bait. "Alright, then. Each
of you take one." When everyone had a slip of paper he spoke again.
"Okay... open them. Now, lets start. Who has room 412, bed 1?"
   "I do," said Kodachi.
   "So do I" said Happousai with a lecherous grin. Kodachi turned
white. "You lie! My Ranma-sama must be the one sharing my bed."
   Ryouga observed Happousai's paper. "Sorry Kodachi... but it seems
to be the truth. Now let's get on with this."
   Shampoo, to her utter disgust, was in room 412 paired with Mousse.
Ukyou, disgruntled, found herself sharing the first bed in room 413
with Ryouga. To Ranma and Akane's horror, they were both in the 
second. Kunou blanched when he found that Cologne was his bedmate,
and Genma and Soun occupied the last one. Tarou was the odd man out,
and decided to go find another place in his cursed form, but Ranma
called him back. "You can go in a moment; first, though, we have to 
figure out what we'll do. Any suggestions?" 
   After a hurried conference, they decided on a simple plan: They
would go to the entrance to his lair, known only by Ranma and Ryouga,
blast open the door and rush in. Cologne and Happousai, flanked
by Ranma and Ryouga, would go first, as the most experienced
with chi. Next would come a solid knot formed of Akane, Kodachi,
Shampoo, Ukyou, Kunou and Mousse. Genma and Soun would form the rear
guard, and Tarou would hover slightly over them - in his cursed form
- in case of emergency. They would find Barney, disposing of any 
miscellaneous creatures that guarded him, and then Ranma, Ryouga,
Cologne and Happousai would release their strongest attacks. If the
creature survived, then Mousse would pepper it with throwing knives
and the fiancées would charge it, armed. They would wait one day, 
though, to scout out the area. This done, Tarou left and the rest 
ate. Afterwards they decided to sleep. Shampoo knocked out Mousse
and wrapped him in his own chains, thus avoiding worries. Most of the
rest had no trouble, except for Kodachi, who refused to get into bed
with Happousai. After a while, though, they convinced her. She didn't
hear Happousai's evil chuckle.
   Ranma and Akane sat on opposite sides of their bed, not looking
at each other. Ranma spoke first. "Well, we'd better get to bed,"
he said stiffly. "We want to be fresh and rested for the fight. 
   "Yes, we do." Said Akane, somewhat artificially. "Well then, let's
sleep." She didn't move. 
   "Yeah, sure." Said Ranma. He stayed still as well. Finally he 
spoke. "This is ridiculous. We both know that we won't try anything.
As if anybody would try something with a kawaiikune tomboy like 
arghh..."
   Akane, after punching him in the throat, looked somewhat relieved.
"You're right. Let's sleep."
   This time they both moved. The light went out.

End Chapter 3



Chapter 4: The Plot Thickens

   The next morning found everyone sleeping peacefully. Shampoo
awoke, yawned and bashed Mousse in the head with one of her bonbori.
Kodachi opened her eyes, screamed, and began attempting to remove
Happousai from within her cleavage. Ryouga and Ukyou had no trouble,
and got up calmly. Ranma and Akane, though, seemed exceptionally
embarrassed to awake cuddled closely together. Genma and Soun were
also fine, but Kunou seemed to be in a coma - he had woken to the 
unpleasant sight of a bleary-eyed Cologne's face. He was knocked
awake by the combined efforts of a disgruntled Ranma and Akane. 
   "Well, we'd better get moving," said Ranma. "We don't want to lose
the element of surprise."
   "Okay, where should we go?" asked Ryouga.
   Cologne looked thoughtful. "We should start by asking people about
Barney. Not too obviously - just mention him casually. And not many
people in the same place, they could become suspicious."
   "Wait a second, these people hate Barney. We could see that the 
last time we were here. Why should anyone tell him?" asked Ranma.
   "Do not be foolish, Son-in-law." Cologne swung the end of her 
staff at his head. "Besides worrying about spies, you should be aware
that a reign of terror is the most effective way of gaining 
information - they all want his good will."
   "Oh, now I see." Ranma nodded wisely. "So, we should kill several
of the townspeople, hold the rest prisoner and threaten them until
we get information."
   Cologne slammed her staff into his groin. "Idiot! We are not 
Barney, to torture innocent people. You should be ashamed of even 
thinking such a thing."
   Ranma groaned from his fetal position on the floor. "Okay...
then we should get one or two and try to convince them gently to help
us. Right?"
   Cologne knocked him out with a pressure point. "We will follow
the original plan - ask, but not noticeably. Tell Son-in-law
when he awakes that he should go with you. I must stay with Happy,
as there is no way he would pass unnoticed. Return in three hours
or so, and tell me what you have found." She bounced towards the 
unconscious Happousai and sat down.
   After Ranma woke up, the party left towards the center of town.
Once they found the major gathering place for teenagers - the mall
- they suddenly realized something. "Hold on..." said Ukyou, "How 
will we ask them anything? We don't know enough English."
   Ranma smiled. "Ryouga knows enough to get by... and I can at least
be subtle. Remember, I trained in the Umisen-ken. Come on, P-chan."
   Akane frowned. "But the Umisen-ken is completely different.
It has nothing to do with talking to people." Her words went unheard,
as Ranma and Ryouga had already headed towards a solitary boy dressed
in black.
   "Greetings," said Ranma in heavily accented English. "The name of
you is being what?"
   The boy looked up in surprise, eyeing an old poster for the movie
premier of 'Les Miserables' "What? My name? Oh. My name is... Hugo
- I mean Victor. No, Victor Hugo. That's me. Now, what brings...
er... Chinese? Chinese to our little anonymous town of XXX? And what
is it you want?"
   This time Ryouga responded. "I am Ryouga and this is Ranma. We are
Japanese. We come to... to..." He floundered for a reason. Ranma 
nudged him. "Being we are... terminators. Rat terminators."
   Ryouga laughed nervously and nodded. "Yes. We are... rat 
exterminators. We are here to... exterminate rats. Many rats. Yes."
   Victor frowned. "I was not aware that we had a rat problem."
   Ryouga nodded again. "Oh, you do. In the... sewers. Many rats in 
the sewers."
   Victor raised his eyebrows. "Okay... I guess there could be 
some..."
   Ranma broke in again. "Hearing we are that there is purple monster
named Barney in a secret hideout near here. Tell us can you?"
   Ryouga groaned. Ranma had just given away everything. "Yes...
well... we heard many things that might be untrue..."
   Victor nodded furiously. "Yes!" he lowered his voice. "The evil
Barney does indeed live here with his allies, the teletubbies.
They are an elite team of assassins. Barney has held this town in a 
grip of terror for many years now. Do you come to fight him, or join
him?"
   Ryouga spoke up. "We are here to destroy him. What can you tell
us?" 
   "He is evil and powerful. Many brave men have died fighting
the teletubbies, and none have survived a battle with Barney himself.
I would not advise fighting him."
   Ryouga spoke once more. "Can you help us? We are fighters,
and there are many more behind us."
   Victor sighed. "If you are sure of this... I could guide you 
through a secret door into his stronghold. Meet me here at 2:00 in 
the morning."
   Ryouga frowned. "Why would you do this?"
   "Oh... er... because... I... would like to see his reign of terror
end?"
   "Right, Ryouga. Let's go."
   Ranma and Ryouga returned to where the rest were having little
luck with other people. 
   "Hey guys! We've solved everything. Some suspicious-looking
guy named Victor is going to lead us through a secret passage to 
Barney in the middle of the night!" Said Ranma.
   "That's great!" cried Ukyou enthusiastically. Akane, though,
didn't seem so sure of it. "How do we know we can trust this guy?"
   "Aw, come on, Akane... these are oppressed townspeople,
they'll do anything to help us." said Ranma. Akane sighed. "Oh, 
alright... if you're sure about this..."
   When they returned to the hotel, Cologne was not so confident. 
   "Son-in-law... this seems wrong. Why would a teenage boy know a 
secret way into an evil monster's fortress? It makes no sense."
   "Come on, old ghoul... remember who you're talking to. It doesn't
have to make sense." Said Ranma.
   Cologne nodded, but still didn't look convinced. "Very well, then.
Now we wait."
   Akane frowned. "What do we do meanwhile? We can't just sit around
for..." She looked at her watch. "...eight hours, can we?"
   Kunou rose majestically. "I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan,
will recite Shakespeare for your enjoyment, Tendou Akane. 'To be or 
not to be, that is the...'" Ranma kicked him in the face. "Anyone
got another idea?"   
   Ryouga nodded. "Say, Ranma... you said you'd seen Barney once 
before. Why not tell us what happened?"
   Ranma shook his head nervously. "Nah... It'd still leave a lot of
time... and not that much happened..."
   Akane nodded. "Come on, Ranma... let's hear it."
   "No, I..."
   "Yes."
   "But..."
   "Start talking."
   "Akane, I..."
   "I said, START TALKING!"
   "Okay..."
   Ranma looked around for salvation. None was forthcoming,
so he began.
   "It all happened while I was in China..."
   
   "Come on, son. You shame me, so weak..."
   "Shut up, Oyagi." Ranma, female and carrying seventeen backpacks
in a precarious pile, kicked Genma in the face. "Carry them 
yourself."
   Genma looked up at the sky, tears running down his face. "Why,
lord... why am I cursed with such a thankless son?"
   Ranma suddenly saw something on the horizon. "Look, a circus tent!
There must be food! See you later, pop." Ranma dropped all seventeen
of the backpacks onto his father's head and ran off towards the 
light. A bottle of water in backpack no. #12 broke and transformed
Genma into a panda. He growled in anger and then whimpered in pain
as a piece of glass pricked his finger. He began to try to crawl out
of the pile, but found that several of the backpacks were entangled
around his neck. He gave a panda-like sigh and started untangling
them.  
   Ranma, meanwhile, had reached the circus tent. With a unerring
instinct bordering on ESP he found a table set for three... or maybe
one, if he was very hungry. Using that appalling power not to learn
from past mistakes if not in combat, he immediately began to eat.
   When he was half-way through the meal, Ranma remembered a similar
incident in the Amazon village. Then he forgot it and continued,
finishing it quickly.
   Ranma sighed in relief and gnawed on a leg of chicken as he 
inspected the circus. With his hunger gone, he realized that the 
whole place was quiet. Too quiet. There had to be at least one person
there, to set the table, but there was no sound. Then, suddenly...
   "Boy. You there."
   Ranma spun in astonishment, not believing that anyone could sneak
up on him. Especially someone dressed like this clown. Whoever it 
was, he was wearing a ridiculous yet somehow eerie suit of purple
and bright green, made to look like a dinosaur, or possibly a 
deformed teddy bear with an exceptionally long tail. "Name's Saotome
Ranma. Sorry if this was your meal - but it's been three days since
I ate..." His voice died as he stared in disbelief at the creatures
face. The mouth was open and moving, and the teeth looked sharp...
and those eyes...
   "Of course. That's fine. After all, we all must share 
everything... share... share..."
   The creature started to repeat the somehow hideous word in a 
sing-song tone, and Ranma felt as if he was being sucked into those
horrible eyes. He had taken three involuntary steps towards the 
monster's gaping maw before he snapped out of it. Ranma stepped
into a fighting stance. He didn't know who - or what - this creature
was, but it had definitely just used some sort of mental technique
on him - and it didn't seem to have good intentions.
   "Ohhh... You don't want to share? Well then, come here and let me
give you a huuuuggg..."
   The last word was said in a grotesque voice, something like a 
cross between a middle-aged man with the mind of a three-year-old
and the hiss of a snake gazing into the eyes of its prey. Ranma 
almost stepped forward again, but this time he was ready. "I ain't
fallin' for that again. Who are you?"
   "My name is... BARNEY!!!" cried the monster in an awe-inspiring
voice.
   "Oh..." said Ranma, stupefied. "Do you have a last name?"
   The monster collapsed for a moment and then got back up, quivering
with indignation. 
   "Are you saying you don't know who I am?"
   Ranma nodded. "Yeah. And now you go down."
   With a battle cry, Ranma leapt at Barney with a foot sweeping
around in a spin kick and one hand slamming down in a hammer blow.
Neither connected as Barney whirled around and knocked Ranma away 
with his tail. Ranma got up.
   "Now you pissed me off..."
   He ran at Barney again and kicked at his knee as he punched,
aiming for the face. Barney jumped back and charged forwards,
not only dodging Ranma's attacks, but slamming him half-way across
the room with a vicious butting tackle. As he tried to get up, Barney
spoke. 
   "Kawaii ken!" he shouted, throwing up his hands. All sorts of baby
animals leapt out of his palms, from a couple of squirrels and a 
nasty-looking hamster to a medium sized elephant. Unfortunately
for him, the only one that landed on Ranma was a kitten.
   Ranma screamed and jumped back, trying to shake it off. He 
screamed and then gibbered in terror as it crawled slowly onto his 
neck, and continued screaming unintelligibly for several seconds.
Barney frowned, although it looked much uglier on his twisted,
evil face. His kawaii attack had worked very well... too well. It was
a distraction attack and nothing more, and he had no idea why it had
left this boy lying writhing and screaming on the floor. Barney 
mentally shrugged, stepping over Ranma and lowering his defenses
for a finishing move. He raised his hands, balled into twin purple
fists, and then saw Ranma's eyes open. They were only slits, but the
pupils would have looked right on a cat. Possibly a tiger. They were
also red with fury.
   "Oh shit..." said Barney as Ranma slammed several hundred clawed
slashes into his belly and ran away on all fours. Barney was shaken.
He wasn't seriously hurt, but he might have been. He decided to sing
a while to relax. Soon malign music drifted out into the night, 
killing seven crows, a hummingbird, the only living Bald Eagle in 
China and a tiger. It also stunned a weary and limping panda for 
several hours.
   Ranma ran ferally for several hours, and, as always, snapped
out of it by being struck by a large bucket of water that mystically
appeared above his head. With Ranma gripped by the Neko-Ken, the Kami
could afford to be a little less subtle. It is not known why they do
this to Ranma so often, but it has often been speculated that it's
a game with the gods, or possibly a bet. It could be a joke, but it 
would be horrifying to believe that the Kami have such a bad sense
of humor - after all, every joke grows stale eventually. Then again,
they're still gods...
   Anyway, Ranma snapped out of it soon enough, and Genma wasn't
near him. They later met up again in a market stall in an obscure
south Chinese town, where Genma was attempting to steal a bag of 
oranges. There they met a small martial artist who fought by throwing
pieces of razor sharp paper, who told them about Barney. "...That's
another story, though. There, now you know. Are you happy?" said 
Ranma. Akane looked slightly confused.
   "What part of this story was so horrible that you didn't want to 
remember it?" she asked.
   Ranma shook his head. "You wouldn't understand. It was something
about his eyes..."
   Akane clenched her fists, her eyes gleaming dangerously.
"Are you saying I'm too stupid to understand you?"
   Ranma spoke nervously. "No, not at all - I mean, you're uncute,
and stuff, but-" his voice was cut off as Akane stuck him violently
in the forehead with a large mallet. Ryouga, oddly enough, stopped
her from giving Ranma more than thirty-seven blows.
   "He's right, Akane. You'd have to see it to understand. I can see
how Ranma would have been scared."
   Ranma rose instantly. "Hey! Ranma Saotome ain't ever afraid!"
He collapsed a moment later as his body realized too late that his 
legs were broken in three places. 

End Chapter 4



Chapter 5: The Showdown

   Ranma recovered soon, as usual. Happousai had returned from 
wherever he'd been hiding, and everyone else was pretty much ready.
Ranma didn't have to prepare, of course, but Happousai went into a 
bathroom to supercharge his chi with a large bag of female 
underclothing. He stayed in there for nearly three hours, and emerged
at 9:00 at night. Cologne had ordered twenty-five pizzas with 
everything possible, of which Ranma consumed ten and his father 
eight. "You must be strong for the coming battle." was all she said.
   Finally the appointed hour arrived. The small group of Neriman
martial artists was gathered at the mall. After waiting in silence
for thirty minutes, Akane spoke up. "Well, Ranma, it looks like that
"Victor" kid isn't showing up." she said. Then, suddenly, a voice
came from the mall's second floor directly above them. 
   "Ah, but you are wrong..." it said in a sibilant whisper. A black
form jumped down, revealing the sinister face of Victor Hugo. "I am 
here." he said in a triumphant voice. "And soon you will all be-" 
   "Ha!" Ranma fell into a fighting stance. "So with Him you are 
too." Victor looked confused. "Actually, I was about to say that soon
you will all be arriving in Barney's inner stronghold through my 
knowledge of secret entrances that I have no reason to know about."
Ryouga frowned.
   "If you were there the whole time, and you're not planning 
anything, why didn't you just say so?" Victor looked thoughtful
for a moment. "As a matter of fact, I have absolutely no idea."
   Ranma collapsed in shock, but was soon upright. Victor began,
silently, to lead them towards a large door in the mountainside.
The door had several large and garish neon signs, most of which were
pointing inwards and proclaiming 'This way to Barney's evil 
fortress', or words to that effect. Ryouga frowned again. "Are you 
sure that this is a secret door?"
   "Trust me." said Victor. 
   "Why should we?" asked Akane. Victor frowned, and then snapped
his fingers.
   "Because I am an oppressed townsfolk!"
   "Don't you mean 'townsperson', or maybe 'townsman'?"
   "Yes! That's what I said!" He grinned manically.
   
   They walked into Barney's fortress, in the formation they had 
earlier decided on, and were met by an eerie silence. "Well," said
Akane as she began to open a door, "It looks like you were right,
Victor." The door opened.
   A horrific sight greeted the small party. A large room filled
with bright neon grass and hideously colored flowers. They were set
in unknown but somehow horribly significant patterns. Suddenly
a voice rang out, making all of them think of a teddy bear for some
reason (except Happousai, it only made him think about his collection
a little less).    
   "Fools! Fools! Fools! Foo...! Anyway, you are fools for coming
here! We will destroy you!"
   Hideous music started blasting out of hidden speakers, and an 
exceptionally artificial sounding voice cried out words with terrible
meaning: "GO GO TUBBY RANGERS!!!" it cried. They could actually
hear the multiple exclamation marks - a sure sign of a deranged
mind.
   Creatures jumped out from behind a tree, six of them. At a glance
the R team could tell that these were the feared Barney Elite - the
Teletubbies. The fiancées jumped forward, each one taking on one of 
the neon warriors. Kunou and Mousse flew to defend their loves, of 
course. "Run, Ran-chan!" shouted Ukyou. "We can handle these creeps."
   "Akane!" yelled Ranma, seeing that she was having trouble. 
   "NO!" she called out. "Go! Take out Barney! I'll be fine." She 
managed to get a choke-hold on her opponent, bruising his androgynous
throat. Cologne nodded, pulling Ranma and Ryouga as they tried to 
reach her. "She is right, Son-in-law. We must go." And they left.
   
   They came to a very different-looking room. It looked somewhat
like a disco, only no self-respecting disco would ever be painted
that shade of pink. A figure in white was standing in the center
of the room, hunched over and covering itself with a white cape. The
only visible thing was an oddly familiar hairstyle. The figure rose,
unfolded the cape, and revealed a massive paunch and a pair of 
rose-tinted sunglasses. The remaining members of the party erupted
into screams, except for Genma and Soun, who raised their fists.
They cried out as one: "We thought we took you down fifty years ago!"
Elvis lowered his glasses. 
   "You were wrong." Jailhouse Rock began to blast down from more 
hidden speakers, making the floor shake from the intensity of the 
sound. Genma and Soun spoke as one once more. 
   "Run, all of you. This fight is for us." Elvis dived forward
like an overweight hawk, and was met by two middle-aged men who moved
with blinding speed. Genma said a silent prayer and unleashed
his full martial knowledge, using even his forbidden techniques.
As the rest moved through the next door, Ranma caught a glimpse
of just how incredibly skilled his old man was. Then the door closed,
and the next opened.      

   Inside was another abrupt change: The room, once more, was pink.
This time, though, it contained a very different atmosphere.
Heart shaped mirrors, pink sheets, four-poster bed... the kind of 
room that is implied by the words "Girl's Room". None of them except
Cologne noticed, though, as they were staring at the two ravishingly
beautiful women standing there.
   Cologne gasped in shock. The rest gasped because they hadn't 
breathed since entering the room. The wizened old woman jumped in 
front of the men, and used her ultimate technique: Standing fully
in their line of sight, she stripped off her clothes in one swift
movement.
   All the men screamed at the top of their lungs and then collapsed,
convulsing epileptically and screaming in absolute horror. The 
beauties blinked in surprise. Cologne dressed quickly and  dragged
the men to the following door. Then she dragged Happousai out of the
pile. Ranma got up.
   "Okay... let's get 'em." Cologne frowned.
   "No, Son-in-law. This battle is for Happousai and I - not you. Not
this time."
   "Whaddaya mean? We can't take on Barney on our own! And besides,
Happousai might even help them."
   "You are wrong. None of you are strong enough of will to hurt 
them, while I am not attracted to females. Happousai... will grow far
stronger than I in the presence of such creatures. And he is a better
man than you think. Now GO!" 
   The last word was shouted in a commanding voice. Ranma closed
his eyes, and with the others he ran through the door, leaving the 
two old ones to face the Barbies of Doom.

   The next room was out of character for the purple demon. A huge
black cylinder with only a hole in the roof besides the door, it was
empty and lightless. Neither of them could see more than a foot in 
any direction. Then, suddenly...
   "Ranma, I think there's something wrong in-" Ryouga's words were
cut off as an unseen fist drove viciously into his gut. Ranma fell
moments later, as the same shadowy attacker slammed a kick into his
head. Ryouga, with his usual superb endurance, had stayed on his 
feet.
   "Ranma... get out of here. You know you'll have to help Akane 
after this, and if we both stay we may be too late. Take out Barney
and then go to her... if she's still alive..."
   "What the hell are you... oh..." 
   Ryouga had begun glowing, a sickly greenish light playing about
his features. Now they could see their enemy. It was a Teletubbie,
only this one was black and larger than the rest. Ryouga sighed.
"Go, Ranma. Now."
   Ranma ran towards the final door, the path illuminated by a green
glow which intensified as Ranma heard Ryouga yell: "SHI SHI HOUKOU
DAN!". He went through.

   Ukyou grunted in pain as one of the teletubbies got through her 
defenses. She quickly recovered and slashed a gap into the green fur.
Under it was only a black void. 
   As the Teletubbie held back, obviously wary, Ukyou took a quick
look towards her allies. They all seemed to be holding their own, but
someone was...
   "Help! Somebody! Ranma! Help!"
   Akane was being dragged through a hole in the wall that had 
suddenly, miraculously, appeared. A Teletubbie was holding both of 
her arms, moving her with little effort.
   "Ahhh!" screamed Ukyou as her opponent struck her again. Without
a thought, she hit it with everything she had, flour bombs, miniature
spatulas, and her battle spatula. It was soon lying dead at her feet.
Ukyou groaned. "Okay, sugar... on my way." She began running towards
the tunnel.

   Genma dodged and turned, bringing all his skill to bear as he 
avoided Elvis' attacks. Soun was lying on the ground nearby with an 
injured leg, probably broken. He hadn't trained for years, and this
was the result. Genma had hit Elvis with everything he had... the 
forbidden techniques had hardly fazed him, and anything that could
actually hurt him was too slow. Elvis was faster than Ranma...
maybe as fast as Cologne.
   Elvis punched slightly too far forward. Genma took advantage
instantly, grabbing the arm and throwing Elvis across the room. Elvis
crashed violently into a wall and started glowing white. 
   "Well... it has been an interesting battle, old man, but you can't
beat the King. You took me down last time only with your master 
helping you... and you had trouble then. You're going down." He began
to create a huge ball of energy in his palms. Genma started powering
for his own attack, knowing that even if he died he might take his 
opponent with him. Elvis started to release his chi blast, and Genma
realized that it would hit him before he could pull off his own 
attack. Then...
   "HADOUKEN!" came from the other end of the room. A small, almost
harmless chi blast hit Elvis in the side, completely disrupting
his attack and bringing him to his knees. A second later...
   "SAI DAI KYU KIJIN RAISHU DAN!" roared Genma as his strongest
attack blew Elvis into shreds. He collapsed, exhausted, as did Soun.

   Cologne slashed with her staff at one of the Barbies. She would
have disposed of them soon enough if it weren't for Happousai
staying back and admiring the plastic bodies, but she would still
prevail. She ducked the slash of a plastic claw and screamed as a 
plastic foot kicked her in the small of the back. Whirling, she shot
a chi blast into the Barbie's body at point-blank range, badly 
injuring it. Suddenly both plastic women grabbed her limbs, 
immobilizing her. Out of the shadows stepped a plastic figure with
'Ken' tattooed on its chest. It drew back a razor-sharp plastic
hand and stabbed forward. Cologne pulled one of the Barbies in front
of her, and it received Ken's blow. With Ken's hand stuck in the 
Barbie's chest neither could attack, and the other Barbie wasn't
in a good position. Cologne smiled grimly and blasted the three into
a wall.
   So, this was how it would end. Without Happy's help she couldn't
beat three of them - she was already bleeding in four different
places, but the Barbies weren't any weaker. She began to ready a last
attack to take them all down, but then... Happousai reacted.
   He had watched in horror as the Barbies attacked Cologne, but 
hadn't been able to attack. He couldn't stand up to his impulses
anymore. But when the man had torn a hole in that beautiful Barbie... 
   Cologne watched, impressed, as a gigantic bomb exploded over the
pile of plastic bodies, ripping them all apart. Happousai let out a 
scream of despair as he realized what he'd done, but calmed down when
he realized that at least he'd saved Cologne. The old woman smiled.
She hadn't been wrong. 

   "SHI SHI HOUKOU DAN!" screamed Ryouga angrily. The blast missed
his opponent for the fifth time, the Black Teletubbie was simply
too fast. The shiny black wall reflected the blast back at him. 
Although he dodged, the first time it had nearly taken his head off.
Ryouga threw dozens of small blasts and bandannas, blocking all the
Teletubbies escape routes. He sent a last bandanna directly at his 
opponent's head, but the shadow creature merely slashed it out of the
air like the other six times. Ryouga grunted as the Teletubbie
swooped down on him and slammed hundreds of punches into his body.
He smiled grimly, realizing that if it wasn't for Ranma hitting
him so many times with the Chestnut Fist he might be dead already,
even with the Bakusai Tenketsu training. 
   Realizing that he hadn't used that yet, he poked at the floor.
A very small area exploded, and one of the shards sliced open 
Ryouga's forehead. The floor was metal.
   [okay, scratch that idea] thought Ryouga as he blocked another
of his enemy's attacks. Then it came to him: if he didn't beat him,
the Black Teletubbie would get through and help Barney against Ranma.
And if Ranma died, the two of them would fight the rest of his 
allies. Including...
   "For you, Akane... muttered Ryouga as he attacked predictably,
surrounding the air around his opponent with bandannas. The 
Teletubbie smiled, expecting another. Instead, Ryouga charged at him
and grabbed him in a bear hug. Ignoring the clawed slashes that were
cutting into his chest, he shouted out: "PERFECT SHI SHI HOUKOU 
DAN!".
   A blast of energy rose high into the air, exploded through the 
roof and fell, reflected by the walls into several dozen times its 
original strength.

   Ranma smiled as he saw his main objective: Barney was right in 
front of him. The purple monstrosity was looking straight at him, 
with an enigmatic but clearly evil smile. Of course, that was how 
Barney always looked, so there was no way to tell if he was feeling
especially evil. The room looked like a giant, purple television
studio, but Ranma wasn't admiring the place. 
   "Now you go down, Barney," said Ranma. "Ya shoulda killed me when
you had a chance."
   Even Ranma's spontaneously varying level and type of linguistic
education did not make the monster react - he merely smiled. Ranma
growled.
   "I'll give you one chance to die like a man. Three... Two... 
One..."
   Ranma exploded into action, hitting Barney twenty-seven
times in the jaw, thirty-three times in the belly and once in the 
left big toe. Barney toppled over and his head fell off. Inside was
nothing. It was only an empty suit. Someone clapped.
   Ranma looked around, finally spying Victor sitting on a throne
and clapping slowly.
   "Very good, Ranma. You're much better than the last time." he 
said.
   "Playing at whatcha? What is this?"
   Victor smiled. "Oh, I speak Japanese, Ranma... I speak every 
language on Earth and off it."
   Ranma frowned. "Where's Barney? Do you know anything about this?
Anyways, where were you while we were all fighting?"
   Victor grinned - enigmatically. "Why, obviously I was slipping
through a secret tunnel to my throne room, Ranma..." He jumped,
turned several somersaults in midair and landed on his feet. Only now
he was purple. Ranma growled again, as Barney smiled. Then...
   "You monster... Where did you put Victor?"
   Barney facefaulted. "You absolute MORON! I am Victor! Victor is 
me! Victor is inside this suit!"
   A tear trickled down Ranma's face. "Now ah get it... ya cannerbal
mahnster! Ya ate mah frehnd!"
   Barney collapsed. "Besides the fact that that accent doesn't
exist, you are unfit to live in modern society. You are simply too 
damned stupid. Like a rat, only they have a reputation for 
intelligence far greater than yours."
   Ranma frowned, confused. "Are you insulting me?" 
   Concluding that this was most likely the case, Ranma leapt at 
Barney. This time the battle was equal, with neither of them able to
get the upper hand. Ranma's kick was met by Barney's punch, Ranma's
punch was met by Barney's kick, Ranma's tail was nonexistent,
as it belonged in a parallel universe or two, but not here.
   Barney hadn't gotten to be as powerful as he was by being stupid.
Realizing that he wouldn't be able to win without taking serious
damage, even with his full power, he fell back on contingency
plan #1. "Contingency plan #1!" he shouted.
   "Ranma!" came from above. A pink Teletubbie was holding Akane over
a pool of lava that Ranma could swear hadn't been there before.
He jumped towards her, but was met by the first serious hit Barney
had gotten in. 
   Ranma slid across the floor, finally striking the wall with his 
head. Barney stood over him. "This time," he said, "You die." He 
brought down his massive padded fist, but it stopped within an inch
of Ranma's face. A tentacle held it. Ranma looked up into Pantyhose
Tarou's hideous face for a moment before Barney attacked. Tarou 
lifted the monster away, and a battle of titans began. Ranma ran 
towards Akane.
   "Akane!" he yelled. As he was about to reach her, he realized
that he, Akane, and the Teletubbie were standing on a tightrope
over the pool of lava. His enemy looked as confused as Ranma felt.
Still, enemies were enemies Ranma attacked. The Kami breathed a sigh
of relief - they wouldn't have to pull off that pesky memory-altering
thing again.
   Ranma pulled up quickly as the Teletubbie shielded itself with his
fiancée. Unable to find a way to attack successfully, he was 
unwilling to risk hurting Akane. He risked a glance over to where
the other two were fighting, and was shocked to see that Tarou was 
losing.  When he looked back at the Teletubbie, the scene was quite
different.
   Akane was on the brink of falling, as Ukyou and the Teletubbie
traded blows. Ranma grabbed her as she slipped, and began to walk 
back off the tightrope as Ukyou was doing fine. The combatants
leaped off the rope, but not before Ukyou accidentally cut it with
her spatula. Ranma pulled off a stupid but effective move, swinging
one-handed into a wall as he held the severed end tightly. 
   After he pulled Akane and himself up, he ran towards Barney.
Tarou was clearly beaten, but Barney had not killed him yet, he was
playing. He threw Tarou up into the air and caught him with one hand,
for no apparent reason. What was most impressive was that as he 
played he calmly hummed his evil theme song. Ranma and Akane attacked
together.
   Barney held them off easily. It was not apparent that he was 
worried, but he was - together, his two opponents might defeat him.
And if the other girl came down...
   Barney suddenly smiled, thinking of a plan. Batting Ranma away and
ignoring the bruises he got doing so, he dragged Akane towards a 
strange machine that, again, certainly hadn't been there a moment
ago. Clapping an odd metal helmet on her, Barney held out a 
restraining hand towards Ranma.
   "No, little one... I will tell you what this is. Once I flip this
switch she will be brainwashed - all she will think of is me, Barney.
Surrender and I will let her go, but I will keep you." 
   Ranma looked around in despair. It never occurred to him that 
Barney was bluffing, but that was beside the point - he wasn't.
Ukyou was unable to help - she was holding her own, but not much 
more. Akane was unconscious. Ranma Saotome never gave up, so there
was really only one option: Attack.
   "KAMEHAMEHA!" screamed Ranma. The blast of energy moved at an 
incredible speed, blasting a large hole in both Barney's chest and 
the sinister machine. Barney exploded, for no reason in particular,
as did the machine. Akane suffered only mild injuries. Ranma held her
in his arms, unconscious, and smiled grimly at the sky. All the rest
of the Nerimans ran up to him, including Soun with his broken leg.
They all smiled grimly at the sky.
   "It's over," said Ranma. "It's finally over."

   In another plane, the Kami choked over their coffee. Besides
the fact that the coffee was too hot, that martial arts technique
didn't exist in that world. Finally one of them spoke. 
   "I suppose we'll leave it that way. I'm bored with this universe."
   There was a general mumble of assent. They turned to Sailor Moon
still sipping their coffee, albeit tentatively. After all, it was 
hot. 

The End



   Well, what do you think? Not bad for a first time, huh? Alright,
so it is bad. What can I do about it? I'd now like to warn anyone
reading this: I will use scenes and phrases from this 
indiscriminately, in other fanfics, etc. Whatever. Anyway, please
review. Flames, whatever. Do what you will, but talk to me. 
Suggestions, insults, anything. If not, may a giant rat nibble 
viciously on your right earlobe. Really.