Chenalos Presents,
 
a 14 Rivers Production
 
to AXZ, (both of them) with love.
 
I swear none of the characters are meant to represent anyone living or 
dead. I hereby also swear that I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THE FRENCH 
WHATSOEVER. It's just a comedy.
 
Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi. Please don't sue me.
 
Writing style inspired by Chuck Palahniuk.
 
http://www.geocities.com/rokan99/chenalos.html

Thanks, Soviet!

---
Dr. Strangelouvre, or: How I learned to relate to women the hard way.
----
 
The name's Ranma. 
 
I wouldn't tell you any of this if I didn't know you knew me. You 
probably know I become a girl when I get doused with cold water. Nothing I 
say is going to surprise you except what I did to get here, now. So lets 
cut right to the chase. Here I am, I got a 4-foot long piece of bread 
in one hand, and my other hand is just a clenched fist. If I drop the 
bread, I'm screwed. If the bread breaks, I'm screwed. A problem, because 
this bread is soggy. I spent my whole life throwing punches, and 
socking out kicks. If anything happens to this bread, though, I'll spend the 
rest of my life asking people if they want to super size their meal. 
The bread breaks, I lose, and my kempo career is over, so a wax coating 
on your car will cost an extra 150 yen.
 
You'll probably want to know how it all came to this, if it makes you 
feel better, so do I. I'll fill you all in on the minor details I know 
leading up to this moment, which is a deul with Akane's doctor. This is 
not Dr. Tofu, mind you. This Doctor here, monitors Akane's 'Special 
condition.' You should know that it's because of this condition that I 
permanently lost her as my fianc'. It's because of her condition that I 
have to fight her doctor in the first place. And, thanks to this 
condition, I'll never be able to practice martial arts again. You can ask me 
about her condition, but I don't want to talk about it. 
 
One thing at a time, here. We'll come to that bridge when the flood 
waters slam you into it. You'd be amazed the kind of messes you can get 
into, just for demanding some kind of normality out of your life.
 
I hope normality is a real word.
 
Strangelouvre, Dr. W. Strangelouvre, he's opposing me, happily laughing 
his ass off. That damn blonde hair of his shining in the sun, that just 
peaked out from behind the clouds. Glistening Goldilocks. Looks like 
somebody planted a wheat field on his head. What kind of a name is 
Strangelouvre, anyway? I heard from Kodachi once that the French don't even 
recognize W as one of their letters. Kodachi, another big problem. 
She'll be here any second. Depending on the outcome, she'll be eternally 
devoted to either me or Strangelouvre. It's a lose/lose situation. Le 
Madame Kodachi.
 
Suppose the world is about to be destroyed by 2 billion H-bombs worth 
of solar flare. You have to decide which of the worlds nations gets 
ripped out of the ground and the metals manufactured in order to build a 
rescue ship that will save the human race. What do you do? 
 
The clock is ticking. 
What do you do? 
Mankind is on the line.
Make the call.
Give up? 
It's simple.
 
Vote France. 
 
That's what I'd do. Rip Strangelouvre's nation right out of the ground, 
and use the Eiffel Tower as a TV antenna. The Arc d' Triumph would make 
a great spoiler. Throw the whole thing into outer space. Maybe I'm 
rushing my decision too much. You shouldn't judge an entire people or 
nation because of just one man, but if the French are like Strangelouvre, I 
vote for the next Godzilla movie to be shot in Paris. Every single 
problem I've had recently goes right back to Strangelouvre. He's the cause 
of all this.
 
Cause and Effect. This is how the world works. What I'm in right now, 
(Bread in my hand, Strangelouvre laughing at me, never being able to 
fight again) this is what you'd call "Effect" usually more interesting 
that cause ever is, but always confusing if you don't know that "Cause". 
Hit yourself if you're nodding off. Pay attention, this might become 
important later. I can go on and on and on about how crazy this effect is 
going to be...so I will. 
 
Somewhere in this town, Ryoga and his psychologist/sparring partner are 
hunting me down, and they're thirsty for my blood. For Ryoga, I guess 
he's looking for a right of passage. This is the single act that moves 
you from being a child into being an adult. All cultures have these. For 
Jews, it's a Bahr Mitzvah. Alot of African tribes get circumcision. I 
could tell you what it was in Ancient Greece, but you wouldn't want to 
hear it. For Ryoga, though, my demise is his right of passage. He is 
convinced that when he kills me, He'll never get lost again, he'll have 
Akane all to his own, and he'll become a man. All of this new way of 
thinking is from his Psychologist, Dr. Noitaru. Ryoga and I use to fight 
alot, but that psychologist of his turned him into a maniac. That's 
right. More maniacal than usual. To Dr. Noitaru, Ryoga killing me would be 
therapeutic. Psychology and martial arts don't mix, and this guy does 
both. I mean think about it: in one, you're helping the whiner by letting 
him whine, the other you're helping the whiner by beating the whine out 
of him. I'll go with whichever one makes him shut up faster. Besides, I 
think "Dr." Noitaru is not a doctor at all, just some faking quack. You 
can fake practicing psychology pretty easily. 
 
Don't believe me? 
Try it. 
 
Just remember these three sentences:
 
How do you feel?
Talk about that.
How did that make you feel?
 
Calmly ask those questions (the first one once, and the other two 
intermittently) hang up some bogus diplomas, and let the guy sit on a couch 
for an hour, and you'll roll away with 8,000 yen a session. Back to 
Ryoga. One of these quacks, using those three sentences brainwashed my 
most heated rival into a ticking time-bomb with my name on it. Wait, I 
forgot the other important part of psychology: Consolement. It's important 
that after Ryoga tells his partner in crime how he wants to rip out my 
trachea and use it to fix roof gutters that Dr. Noitaru tell him 
"That's alright" and "It's not your fault."
 
How's that for effect? Maybe I overestimate Ryoga's will to kill me. 
Think about it, he couldn't kill ME. I'm the reason he's been on a quest 
for these past few years, I'm the person he's been looking for all this 
time, and it's because of me he is who he is today. Don't quote me on 
that, because when I think about it, it's a damn good motive. If the 
bread fails me, I'll never be able to fight again, thus, when Ryoga comes 
to take his revenge, I'll be totally defenseless. I can't fight back, 
so even lost boy should be able to off me. Anyway, I know Ryoga, he 
won't fight if I can't fight, and that all comes down to weather or not 
this frigging piece of soggy-ass bread holds together.
 
This is all the effect. It's just me, the doc, two loaves of bread and 
a bunch of puddles out in the Furinkan yard. Somewhere in this town, 
Kodachi is running to arrive here, Ryoga is with his therapist wandering 
all around Nerima, but wanting in his heart to be right here, beating in 
my skull. There might be other people who want to see this, but I 
assure you Akane is not one of them. I'm sure Akane is at home, balling her 
eyes out, praying to God, and wishing on the stars that we never meet 
again. For what it's worth, I can't remember wanting to see her more.
 
This is the effect. This is the way the world is working right now. If 
by this point you still aren't interested, then get out while the 
gettings good.
 
Dr. Strangelouvre calls to me, he says "Aer yeeu Ready, Monseur?"
 
>From this point on, I'll be telling you the cause. Keep in mind, it's 
all leading up to this. I squeeze the bread loaf. A sponge would be 
preferable. 
 
I call back to him; I got to start this sometime. And I do.
 
Cause and effect. This is the way the world works. Effect is always 
pretty, but it's gotta be caused by something less interesting. Thus, from 
here on in, this is the cause. The build up. See how I got to where I 
am today. If you're nodding off, hit yourself.
 
-----
cause:1
-----
 
This was her SPECIAL Doctor. Dr. Strangelouvre is a professional 
there's no-one like him. Medical degrees from Bla bla bla. Kasumi painted an 
awfully in-depth picture. Dr. Strangelouvre, Akane's 'Special doctor' 
since she was 11. "There's no need for you to go. She'll be fine."
 
Like I didn't know that. I wasn't even interested in the doctor's place 
to begin with. I'd just taken a hot bath, and I'm in my glorious guy 
form; and hungry. All I wanted was some Chinese food. I was putting my 
shoes on, getting all set to get to Shampoo's restaurant when I hear a 
voice behind me. 
 
"That's the way, boy."
 
A compliment from the old man, when I haven't done anything good or 
bad. You know right away, this means trouble.
 
I asked him what did he mean?
 
"Why accompanying Akane on her doctor's visit, of course."
 
I did't particularly care to go to doctor Tofu's. All I wanted was some 
Chinese food.
 
"Now don't just bail out on this, Ranma. This is your chance to be 
there for her, understand her better...even at the biological level."
 
Right now, my biological level is telling me 'Run screaming out the 
door. Fight or flight. Migrate.'
 
Then Kasumi comes in saying this is Akane's special-blah blah blah, 
I've already covered that part. I know why Kasumi's all up in arms about 
me not going with Akane on this one. Everyone knows what you're talking 
about when you mention a girl's "SPECIAL" doctor. Fortunately, I only 
have to deal with the problems of being a woman 50% of the time. Which 
spares me the need of these professionals. Thank God.
 
Just a second.
 
Gynecologist.
 
THERE. I said it.
 
Pop doesn't get the hint. Neither I, nor Kasumi has the guts to say 
"Akane's gynecologist" to him. So I keep on putting on my shoes intent 
only on leaving. Kasumi just utters "oh dear." 
 
I have to tell you about this dream I once had. It's late at night. The 
Tendos and us, we're all asleep. Suddenly, an electrical outlet shorts 
out and shoots sparks like a firecracker.
 
Akane comes down the stairs. Strangelouvre or bust. For me, there's no 
way out now.
"Where are you going, Ranma?"
She's asking me where I'm going. What should I tell her?
 
This shorting out socket sets light to a curtain. The fire starts out 
small, then it works it's way up, and to the next curtain. The fire 
catches light to the top of the window frame, and from there spreads across 
the wall. The lot of us, are upstiars and asleep. Helpless and trapped 
in our dreams.
 
Checkmate.
 
As soon as Akane asks where I'm going. I know I'm screwed. Just as my 
lips start to form the syllable for 'Sham' She'll go off on some hussy 
fit about me just leading her on, and playing the field with her "Not 
that it's any of MY business." She'd say. And it's not her business. On 
the other hand if I say I'm going with her, to the gynecologists, mind 
you. Then I'm trapped in a waiting room, while my mind is forcefully 
bombarded with images of exams and cold utensils I NEVER want to think 
about. Maybe that's just my girl-side speaking, but for me, it's true from 
any way I look at it. 
 
Nothing I can do about it.
 
The fire runs across the oak-bracket cieling and maple-plank floor like 
a quarterback on an end run. The 50, the 40, the 35. Blackening and 
blistering everything in its path. Before long, the entire downstairs is 
ablaze. 
 
No way out.
 
If I don't go with Akane, I'll be assured pop will jump me and throw me 
in the pond when I get back. Those rocks hurt when you land on 'em. He 
knows that, and he knows that I know that. I've got to go with her now, 
or suffer hers and pops consequences for the rest of the day. So much 
for MY plans. Off to the Strangelouvre waiting room. The chair. 
Execution. In retrospect, I shoulda gone to the restaurant. All I wanted was 
some Chinese food. 
 
Char grilled. 
 
That's how my face looks after two minutes of this home-kit inferno. 
Everything; our room, The Dojo, Mr. Tendo's, Akane's and Nabiki's rooms. 
All of us roasted and burned up. The old freak even shrivels like 
newspaper at a bonfire. Everyone burned to death, Except for Kasumi. 
Kasumi's room starts to burn. Fist the door, then flames on the floor creep to 
the walls and consume the dresser. But just as the fire gets to her 
bed, it holds back. Not a single lick of fire will touch her blankets, no 
matter how hot the flames get. No spark will touch Kasumi. Unburned, 
protected, pure. When her bed falls through the floor, the fires hold her 
up and set her gingerly on the ground. She is a perfect angel, bedded 
down in hellfire.
 
Kasumi.
 
She watches Akane and I leave. I'm off to sit in the fiance' holding 
tank, reading magazines about the washed-up celebrities that are gonna be 
in the next movie I won't see. Then, occasionally remembering what's 
taking place a mere 20 feet away, through thin walls, shivers running up 
and down my spine like radar. Just as we clear the residence gate 
Nabiki makes a cameo appearance in my afternoon, as she heads inside.
 
"Where you guys headed?" she asks
 
"Just to the Doctor." Akane remarks, in a hurry.
 
"Well, tell Dr. Tofu I said hi."
 
It's not Dr. Tofu.
 
"It's not?" Nabiki turns up that conniving smile she does so well "Well 
Zen Ahkané, my best ees to youer Test-"
 
"Shut up!" Akane screams, and stomps her way down the street. Just 
before I move past the gate, back on the porch, I hear Kasumi mutter "Oh 
my."
 
In my dream. After the fire. After we all get burned to ashes and the 
ashes burned to smoke. After the flames willed themselves to save the 
eldest Tendo daughter, the sunrise peaks over the skyline. Kasumi opens 
her eyes, and in her perfect white-nightgown way, she looks to the left, 
then to the right. There, at the virgin white crater of a black blast 
pit, she opens her mouth and speaks words; perfect and pure and honest, 
as no other can say them.
 
 
"Holy fucking shit!"
 
 
----------------
to be continued.
 
Chenalos@yahoo.com

Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause: 2

 

Ranma on the Nature of Women --------

Oh, look. We're here.

Joy. Rapture. Bliss.

The thought of being run over by a truck at this moment takes on so 
many faces. We enter the clinic arguing about something. I don't 
remember what. It's hard to keep up with all the things we fight 
about. I won't bother with details. The key is to simplify. Cause
and effect. Akane and I are together, so we fight. This is how 
forced, unwilling fiancés should behave. This is how the world works.
Anyway, we get inside. The receptionist sitting there, putting on 
nail polish. She sees us enter and dips the cap-brush back into the
bottle. One moment, polishing her nails is the most important
thing in the world to do. The next moment, it's greeting me and 
Akane, just goes to show, I guess, that the meaning of life is always
changing. 

"Oh, Hello Akane. Hello, Young man."

Hi.

"You're right on time, so there won't be any wait, lucky. The nurse
just got the room prepping done."

I look at the receptionists' hands. Her right hand has two painted
nails, her left hand has three done. This is the cross-hand 
technique. You paint one nail, and while it dries you paint a nail
on the other hand. By the time you come back to the first hand, the
first nail you painted is all dry. It's pretty rare to see, but it's
just as systematic as the normal technique of left hand first then
right hand. It also guarantees that one-whole hand of fingernails
will never smudge no matter what you may accidentally rub up against.
So touch-ups are a piece of cake. I know this because I can become
a girl. Envious? Don't be. The woman punches up Akane's file on the
computer, while it's processing, she turns to Akane.

"Did I see you in the market yesterday?"

"You could have." she replies, "I was with my sister Kasumi. I know
we went to the grocery store, but then we went clothes shopping.
Oh, you should have seen this one dress they had."

Akane goes on about this dress, to this receptionist woman, who seems
all too intent on hearing every word. From the hallway enters a 
nurse, another girl, who immediately interjects with, 'OH, Akane,
how you been, Girl?' Suddenly, Akane needs to tell her about 
everything she did yesterday. I look over at the waiting room, two 
women yakking away. I can tell that from everywhere around talk goes
on without me. Dresses, husbands, cooking, movies, terrorists,
sports, sex. Here I am, a guy, marooned out of every circle of 
communication, just because of that. Because I'm a guy. Envious?
Don't be. Meanwhile, at the center of all this, at the heart of this
whole operation, even with all these women doing their woman thing
for all their worth. They know that the reason any of them are here
is because in this building there is a man. A man with power like you
cannot believe. Get on the table. Drop your panties. Open up. Hold
still, I'm going to put this in, and it may feel a little cold. This
will give you chills. Not even the old freak has enough power to do 
this. Anyone with that much power shouldn't even exist, let alone
make a living out of it.

I'm going over to take a seat. Akane says it's fine, she'll be done
in about half an hour. We go our separate ways. Now I'm hovering
over the white-laminated plywood coffee table, loaded with magazines.
You won't be familiar with any of the titles, but let me put it in 
perspective. Think Vogue. Think YM. Think Teen. Think covers of 
gorgeous Brad Pitt, Buffy's Angel, and hair-gelled Leonardo di 
Caprio. Think beauty and dating tips. Think gut-wrenching
accounts of dinner with the man of your dreams that went all wrong.
Think paper cutout tarot cards. Think consoling heart felt 
questionnaires, which can be a moody girls psychologist. 

How do you feel? Talk about that. How did that make you feel?

I am woman, hear me roar. Sure. I become a woman, and I don't read
this shit. And when I roar, I ROAR. I roar like no girl can. I'll 
tell you the secret. It's really quite simple. It's because I'm a 
guy. Just like the most powerful gynecologist in the world has to be
a guy. Being a guy is the key to a good roar. I'll give this to 
Akane, she can roar too. It may be the best roar a girl is capable
of. With her, it's because she's got a guy's mentality. If some boy
starts hitting on me, I make sure he gets the message that I don't
want it to happen again. Same with her. Powerful, forceful 
convincing. If women really want to roar, then they're just going
to have to do it like guys do. But not every girl will go "Come on,
attack me." Not every girl will break cinder blocks with their bare
hands. Not every girl will have their house burn down around them,
leaving them free to live any life they may have damn well pleased.
Some girls, they read these magazines that I'm looking at right now.
Why? Because girls will be girls.

I pick up a copy of J-Shoujo, and flip to the middle, where the color
photos end and the Black and white Manga begins. Here, where the deep
monochrome, shimmering eyes of valiancy await me. Valiancy lives in a
world where magic determines your power. If you can use magic well
enough, you become a king or a queen or knight or something.
You know, any of the first row of chess pieces. If you can't use 
magic well enough, you get to become a serf, a farmer, and any number
of jobs that describe a pawn. Valiancy's father is the king of 
Zezeragos. Long ago, he went to another land. He left his queen 
behind to go "Fight a war."

I hear a door open and close. I hear footsteps scuffle over to the 
receptionist.

"Hays a yung garel come heer lookeeng for Freench lesóns?"

"No, Dr. Strangelouvre, but you have a patient, Miss Tendo, in room
3, who is with Nurse Kobakura now."

"Well, zen, How long befoar I most exámaen haer?"

"She'll be ready in five minutes."

"Veary well."

I could picture Kasumi in her white night-gown, Grabbing this Dr. 
Strangelouvre, who is now hidden behind my manga. I could see her 
screaming in his face. "You prick, bastard. You lay one finger on my
sister, and God help me, I'll stomp a butcher's knife all the way up
your ass, handle first." One weird dream and your whole perspective
on life changes.

Back to Valiancy. A year later the king returns from the foreign
land, with a newly born baby that he "Adopted." He named the girl 
Valiancy. The king makes plans for Valiancy to grow up and become
the first High-queen over Zezeragos, no matter who she marries.
When Valiancy is five years old, however, the queen makes a tragic
announcement that the king has died in an "Accident." Not to worry
Valiancy, for your adoptive mother, the queen, knows a man who has 
been her "Friend" for a long time, and he promises to "Take care of 
you."

The front door opens

"Hello, Doctor how are you today?"

Oh, please God, no. It can't be. I hug the manga close to my face,
so she won't see me. That's right, back to the manga. The "Friend"
of the queen makes all the arrangements to have Valiancy "Taken care
of." When some of the Palace guards take her away, and hide her 
somewhere in the village. They return to the palace and tell the 
queen's Friend, named Gist That they have "taken care of her." For 
years, Valiancy is raised in poverty, knowing that she is truly the
daughter of a king, and having the magic to prove it.

" Je dois vous dire une histoire mon cher." Strangelouvre
says

" Bien, docteur, continuent s'il vous plaît." 

Then Strangelouve start yakking and yakking.

" C'est l'histoire de l'ami de mon oncle, Jaques, le pilote de 
combattant, juste aprés la deuxième guerre mondiale. Il était avec
son amoureux par la seine. Pendant qu'ils embrassaient, elle a dit à 
lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent.' Il a atteint pour une bouteille de 
rioja. ' Jaques, ' elle a dit ' ce qui sont vous faisant?' "

I'm still safe She hasn't noticed me. It's no secret, the girl 
Strangelouvre is yakking to is Kodachi. But all I can see is 
Valiancy. When she was 15, her dirt-level existence led her to a 
bordello, then a burlesque house, then a harem, and then, finally,
a brothel. Cleaning jobs, mostly. Sex is a messy thing to clean up 
after, and someone's got to do it. Finally, to her joy, she becomes
a 'working girl' two and a half years later. She's now 20, and still
in the same trade. You may respond with disgust, but compared 
cleaning up after people who've had sex; actually getting to have sex
is a welcome change. So many people who talk about this manga say,
"I can't believe Valiancy, the heroine, is a whore." What's wrong
with that? Even a whore can be a hero, that's the whole point. 
Besides, all the while, Valiancy has been and is the leader of an 
underground movement, called Orestes. Valiancy founded Orestes when
she was 17, and is still the only member who can use magic. That 
means she's royalty if you can use magic, you're royalty. She's the
royal prostitute. Her one true love is her right hand man in Orestes,
Terro, but he doesn't know she loves her. To him she's either a 
commander or a prostitute, he believes that both those types of 
people are incapable of true love. I'm still guessing as to how 
they're going to end up.

"Il m'a répondu ' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant. Quand je 
prends la viande rouge, je dois prendre le vin rouge.' Il a versé
le vin dans sa bouche et l'a embrassée. Après qu'ils aient embrassé,
elle a dit à lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent... inférieur." 


" Ohh, comment le risqué cette histoire est." 

She still hasn't noticed me. Good. The ultimate goal of Orestes
is to overthrow the queen and Gist, and establish a new ruler over
Zezeragos. Almost every man she sleeps with, Valiancy makes another
silent ally. She need not worry about these men exposing her. Who in
their right mind would admit to allying with a whore? Being at the 
low end of a society does have incredible advantages.

" Qui est vrai, parce que il a atteint pour une bouteille de 
chardonay, et a défait son chemisier, et l'a versé sur ses seins 
doux. ' Jaques, elle a dit ce qui sont vous faisant?' Il m'a répondu
' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant quand je prends la viande
blanche, je doit prendre le vin blanc. Il a commencé à embrasser
loin à ses seins, et après un moment elle a dit à lui, ' Jaques,
m'embrassent... inférieur.' " 

" OH, mon Dieu!" 

Revolution doesn't happen over-night, so in the mean time, Orestes
is devoted to making sure individuals have justice from the tyrannous
queen. Valiancy: hooker by night, hero by day. that's what this 
episode is about. She's fighting to win back a house from the 
government because they repossessed it from a single mother and her
sweet little daughter.

" Il a atteint pour une bouteille de cognac, soulevée sa robe, et 
pourd il sur sa taille. Il a frappé une allumette, et était sur le 
point de l'allumer, quand elle a sauté dans la seine. ' Jaques!'
elle a crié ' CE QUI SONT VOUS FAISANT?' Il relplied ' me suis Jaques
le pilote de combattant, et quand je descends, moi entrent vers le 
bas en flammes!'"

"Oho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" That laugh echoes, and my fingernails dig into the
gloss-finished pages.

"Doctor, You're needed in room three."

"Vaery well. My dear. Eef yeau weel meet me een zee poobleek 
laybraree at fiev o' clock, I weel heve time teu furzer yeur 
educación."

"Very well, doctor. See you then."

"Adieu."

Strangelouvre leaves, I can hear her footsteps now. Kodachi is coming
for me. She can't come over now. I'm not done reading. What will 
happen to my Valiancy?

Kodachi pulls up a seat next to me. "Why, Ranma, my darling what 
brings you here?"

Find out next time.

------------------ To be continued...

A couple of notes. Don't bother looking for J-shoujo or the Valiancy
manga. Those are just my make believe little tack-ons. Actually,
Valiancy isn't totally make believe, it's actually roundabout
the plot of the myth of Electra, which if you ask me would make a 
great manga. 

The French in this chapter was all taken from the Babelfish 
translator at AltaVista.com. Don't worry too much about what 
Strangelouvre was going on about, it's just a stupid joke that 
probably didn't even translate right. If you know of any suggestible
changes to the joke feel free to contact me.

Ranma 1/2 property of Rumiko Takahashi.

------------------ And now, because I'm ripping him off, here is a 
commercial. ------------------

You're told to live a certain life, to dress a certain way, to plan
your future between certain limits.

But if you could know the future, would there be any limits to 
contain you?

Chuck Palahniuk's SURVIVOR

"If you can hear me, listen"

* * * * * * * * * *

chuckpalahniuk.net ------------------

Chenalos@yahoo.com

A 14 Rivers Production Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause 3 -------

It's official. I'm going to fight Dr. Strangelouvre. At this point,
I'm looking forward to it. Chestnut fisting the most powerful type
of doctor in the world. Gynecologists must think they can get 
anything they want. I'll show him the power of an anything goes 
martial artist. I am Ranma, hear me roar. Akane, obviously, isn't
taking this well. She's down on the sidewalk, and I'm above her, 
walking the rim of a wall. Here we are just walking down the street,
she's saying;

"Geez, you idiot, you're so dumb. What's with you?"

Is she kidding me? After the way Strangelouvre talked to me? She saw
what happened. I was just sitting there, Minding my own business,
when she and the doctor stepped out into the reception. Then the jerk
has the audacity to say "What eez yeour relashiónship wiz zee maddame
Kodachi?"

"Yeah, Ranma just what were you doing with Kodachi."

This is just what I need, get me angry. Give me motivation to whack
Strangelouvre. Beat those high cheekbones into his eye sockets.
I say that I was just showing Kodachi the Valiancy manga. For 30 
minutes. I still can't really believe that I talked with Kodachi
for 30 minutes straight. Of course I don't tell Akane this. Just me 
having talked with Kodachi was enough to set her off, why does she 
need to know how long it was?

"How exactly did you end up whispering Valiancy's plot into her ear?"

Oh, perfect. No-one could have timed it better. Let me fill you in,
because right now, you're trapped in effect again, and you're gonna
need some cause. For twenty-nine minutes I go on about Valiancy.
For twenty-nine minutes, she listens and tells me all about the 
rhythmic gymnastics tournament she just placed first in, and how she
thought of me when she won. Thought of how proud she would be if I 
had been there. Then, at the last possible minute, with Akane and 
Strangelouvre coming down the hall, Kodachi looks up at me, with 
those sparkling impossibly purple-gray eyes, and says;

"Oh, my dear Ranma..."

Help me.

"...What must I do to prove my love for you, my sweet?"

She throws her arms around me, the manga hits the deck, but I'm 
unable to follow. Kodachi locks her hands to her arms, pinning my 
elbows to my sides. Think straightjacket. Think bolo-snares.
Think bear-trap. Only thing to do is gnaw off my torso, so I can get
away.

We're head to head, ear to ear. Of course, now she starts that 
seductive whisper. 

"Speak to me of your Valiancy, but Valiancy be not enough for me. 
Yeah, though I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not
you..."

When a girl starts putting the moves on you by quoting from the 
bible, it's way past time to run for your life. Song of Solomon,
New International Kodachi Version. The way she moves her shoulders
she is intentionally, blatantly smothering her tits into my pecs. 

What she's wearing is one of these casual three-piece dress 
ensembles. I think I saw this one the last time I went clothes 
shopping. It's black with red trims. The skirt comes down just over
her knees, which are currently just over my knees. She's become adept
at thinking up ways to stop me from running. Covering her master-lock
arms is a light black probably silk over-shirt. There are no buttons
on it, though. It's always meant to be open, so you can see the 
elastic shirt underneath, which right now, I can't see. I can't see
it because it's currently pressed against my chest. Her breasts
are rubbing through, and I can tell just by touch that they are 
bra-less in her elastic red and black industrial-fashion
strength baby-T. The way the rubber-band, polyester-cotton
mesh shirt is made, it holds both of her girls up; front and center.
Ateeeen-SHUN. I can start to feel her nipples getting hard against
my chest.

Oh, for a hand grenade.

I'm thinking about her vice-grip appendages spidered out over my legs
and arms. Her nipples, which to me at this moment, are more like 
fangs. I'm thinking about her black and red dress. I'm thinking
she's dressed and behaving just like a black widow, and I'm doomed. 

Right now my biological level is telling me 'She copulates, she eats.
If she gets you, you're an entrée. Mating can't be worth this.'

Now, because the timing is perfect, Akane makes her presence known.

"Ranma, what are you doing!?"

Out of the spider-fangs into the fire. Something like that. Startled,
Kodachi lets her grip loose for a second, her legs swivel off of 
mine, and when she turns I'm treated to a good whack to the face when
her pony-tail whips me. Now free, the scent of Kodachi's conditioner
still in my nose. I jump to my feet, and I tell Akane no! She doesn't
understand! I'm innocent! Suddenly I feel a whop on the head, and a 
shove that throws me right back into the seat, where Kodachi catches
me. Here's the surprise, though. Akane never touched me. I look up,
and there, Strangelouvre is taking off the sterilized, white latex
glove from the hand he shoved me with.

This is the first moment I've ever seen him, so I guess now would
be a good time to tell you what he looks like. Lanky guy, European
style. Just like the 6 foot tourist you see towering over the canopy
of locals in Tokyo. Cheekbones so high, they seem to give him a 
smile, despite the fact that he's quite pissed off at me right now.
His eyes are covered by the huge circles of dark-lensed glasses,
the kind that tint when it gets real bright outside. 

The brighter the landscape, the darker the outlook. That's a 
metaphor, for something.

I think I told you he's got this wheat field blonde to his hair. He's
also dressed the way you expect a doctor would. White lab-coat,
and three blue pens sticking out of his pocket. Monuments of medical
education.

I jump to my feet. Immediately I ask him what did he do that for? 
Like I said, he's taken off one of these gloves, and he smacks me 
across the cheek with it.

My first thought is not how insulted I am.

My first thought is not how angry I am.

My first thought is where in the hell has that glove been.

I look at the glove, I look at Akane's skirt, I look back at the 
glove. I put my hand to my cheek, and hope and pray that it's dry 
there.

"How Cood yeu take Advanteege of souch a faire maidin az Kodachi?"

Take-?

Take-Ad?

Take-Vantage?

Assembling sentences after being smacked with, if you'll excuse the
expression, a cunt-mit is a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

"I weel not tolairate zis ouut landeesh behaviar. I challenge
yeu to a deul mon amis."

Dual? A word that makes sense. I tell him, sure, fine, yeah, good,
yeah, cool, BITCHIN' bring it Frenchy. Anything goes martial arts.
Pick the frikkin time.

"Anyzing goes? Mon Amis, yoar fate eez naow seal-ed. Tomarrau.
Neun."

I'll be there. Kick ass and knock down gyno-man. Life is good. Now 
it's all about anticipation. Walking home, shadow boxing. Kick, 
punch, chestnut, punch, punch, kick. Sweet.

Akane says "You're not fighting Dr. Strangelouvre. Got that?"

The Hell I'm not, after what he did to me?

"You got what you deserved. What were you doing with Kodachi anyway,
lecher?"

Holy shit. I told her already and she doesn't believe me. Not my 
fault. Not my fault. Not my fault. She wants to go yell at someone,
yell at Kodachi. This is all Strangelouvre's doing. He wants a fight,
he'll get one.

"Look, you may not know this, but I need to keep seeing Dr. 
Strangelouvre."

I think she's over reacting. Akane can always find another 
Gynecologist. She stops dead in her tracks and stomps both her feet
on the ground.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

Cause and effect. You just said the secret word. Shit. 

Special doctor! Special doctor!

Akane approaches me, grabs my collar and yanks me down to the 
pavement.

"Ranma you jerk! He is my special doctor, and only he has the 
expertise to treat me."

Why's that?

"You don't know?"

Know what?

She pauses, and seems to calm down for a moment, her tightened
cheeks relax, she breathes in a sigh. She's going to tell me now or 
this is just a calm before the storm. Place your bets.

"Of course you don't know!" She starts to scream again; "IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUISNESS!" 

One airborne spiral uppercut later, and I'm landing in the park. 
Getting up, I dust myself off. I really pushed her buttons this time.
From behind me I hear a familiar voice. My day is about to become
perfect.

"Ranma."

Yo, Ryouga, what's up man? 

He whispers something. 

I ask him what he is said. 

Then he looks up and screams, "I DON'T FEAR YOU!" He comes at me with
a strong right-hander that I just barely duck. I throw a subduing
kick to his face that he catches.

"No, not this time. Not now! Not ever!"

His other hand grabs my foot, and throws me long. I land though,
no prob.

Come on Ryouga. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and THIS is how he 
says hello?

"SHUT UP! I have to prove myself. My manhood. My future. My honor!
Akane!" 

He balls himself up and acts like his torso is about to burst.

"RANMA I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!"

And Ryouga charges me. Hibiki being the glutton for punishment
that he is, I decide to pull out my trump card first, and I chestnut
fist to get him to back off. Ryouga completely surprised me though.
He jumped straight up into the air, and takes the belly-flop
position. His giant, roaring mouth and tiger skin clothes coming
straight at me. He's belly flopping right into a rain of my 
strongest, quickest punches. I gotta hand it to him, this takes guts,
so I stop punching, and I catch him. We both get knocked to the 
ground. I say, Ryouga, what's with you.

"YOU JERK! YOU HELD BACK!" 

And then he hits me across the cheek, hard. So hard that the last 
thing I hear before I'm out is:

"Hey, Hey, wake up, you jerk. Fight fair." 

And my head hits the ground.


---------------- To be continued.

Chenalos@aol.com

---------------- another add: ---------------- Chuck Palahniuk
presents

A study of Victor Mancini

see also: Sexual addiction and frustration see also: Damaging 
maternal relationships see also: Medical school dropouts see also:
Messianic delusional behavior see also: Colonial village reproduction
see also: Psychological deterioration see also: The Heimlich maneuver

"Choke"

The most disturbing and tragic work of fiction I have ever read.

"Gut-wrenching" isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes
to mind. -----------------


A 14 Rivers production. Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause 4: -------- I'm dreaming. Just to warn you, this won't be 
pretty. I'm naked, and I'm running away from a giant Komodo dragon
lizard that wants to chomp off my dick.

Cause and effect.

Cause: probably the squid sushi.

Anyway, you know what these dreams are like. You can't get away from
the Komodo dragon or the boogey man or the French gynecologist,
whoever is after you is waiting for you around every corner. Sure,
it's just a dream, but it's my nuts on the line here. Anyway, somehow
I find an alleyway that doesn't have a lizard shadow in it. So I run
in and, of course it's a dead end. Here it comes, no way out now, 
he's coming. I can hear that rasp-rasp-rasp of his claws cutting
across the ground towards me like I'm the discovery channel 
blue-plate special. Then nothing. Just as the rasp becomes it's 
loudest; silence. Just for a moment.

Then the lizards' teeth come jutting out around of my groin and the
razor-sharp fangs surround my kit.

Oh. No. Please. No. God. No. Shit. No.

The teeth stick out and gobble up my whole kit in one chomp, and then
the teeth pull back inside me, leaving only toothless lips behind.

That's when I wake up. I reach down to check my unit.

My dream came true.

I grab pop, and start shaking him.

Dad wake up. I say. The lizard ate my dick. Wake up. Help me. It ate
my frikking dick.

He wakes up and places his hand gently but firmly on my shoulders.
His steadfast eyes look at me through the twilight gleam in his 
specticals. He speaks softly and consolingly to me "Ranma..."
Then he throws me across the room. I slam bug-on-windshield
style into the wall.

"Shut up boy, you just turned into a girl. You asshole."

It's at that moment when I realize I'm Ranma. I got the whole cursed
spring thing going for me. I'm a girl. I'm not supposed to be a girl,
but I am. Envious? Don't be. Resting here upside-down on my head and
shoulders, looking sideways at the floor, my whole life up to this
moment comes out of the dream-world and into focus. The fianc's,
the curse, the rivals, the fights, sushi. finally I remember today.

Today.

Dammit.

After Ryoga clonked me into the netherworld, I came to, and hovering
above me is yet another guy in a lab coat. I'm on my feet in a flash
with my fists up. I ask if Strangelouvre sent him.

"Who's Strangelouvre?"

The nancy-ass, psycho-bitch loving, French gynecologist 
Strangelouvre.

"Uhhhhh, no."

Alright then, I say. So what does he want?

"Walk with me, talk with me."

So we head to a nearby bench and talk. Apparently, Ryoga couldn't
sacrifice a goat this year. He wasn't about to be Bahr Mitzvahed,
and he sure as hell wasn't gonna get circumcised. All the same; Ryoga
was looking for a right of passage. That's where I fit in. All this
according to his new psychologist, Dr. Gomez Noitaru. This guy's 
almost the polar opposite of Strangelouvre. He's got these slim, 
glancy brown eyes, and dark hair tied up bushy in a red bandana,
just about my height. Anyway, he explains the last few days events
to me. How he met Ryoga.

The story is that he was traveling through the woods, just taking
a hike, when he heard some crashing noises in the distance. He walked
up and saw Ryoga breaking boulders with his fingertips. He goes up to
Ryoga and asks;

How do you do that?

Ryoga replies;

None of your business.

Dr. Noitaru says;

Come on, show me.

Ryoga says;

No.

Anyway, this goes on for a while. Bottom line is, they start 
fighting. Kick, punch, block, punch, punch, chop, kick, elbow.

Suddenly, Noitaru asks "How do you feel?"

Knee, Heel, toe, lock, escape, grapple, plant, throw, roll, stand,
kick, block.

"I feel angry" Ryoga says.

Head-butt. Backhand.

"Talk about that."

Kick. Leg-trap. block-trip. Hand-plant. Summersault. Flying kick.

"I want to find my way to Akane, I want to defeat Ranma. But I can't
find my way."

"How did that make you feel?"

In-air inverted quadruple scissor kick. Bullet dodging lean. Meteo. 

This goes on for like 30 minutes. All the while; Ryoga is going on 
and on about how much his life sucks, and Noitaru is just taking
notes in his head. At the end of the thirty minutes, the two 
fighters, exhausted, and gasping faced one another, and Noitaru
takes out a post-it pad and a pen and he screams at Ryoga.

"B.F. Skinner School of martial-arts psychology FINAL ATTACK! 
DIAGNOSIS STRIKE!"

He charges Ryoga.

Ryoga picks up four rocks, and throws them up in the air.

"Ryoga Hibiki special attack! Breaking-point-blank!"

I don't even think I believe what I'm hearing. Ryoga, using only his
pointer fingers, pushed the rocks into Noitaru's chest, and blasted
each of them with the buksei-tetkets right against him. The exploding
rocks send Noitaru flying up into the crotch of a tree, and he hung
there like a stranded kite. Ryoga turns up his head in a cocky manner
and turns around.

He says. "Well, I guess I showed you. I school no one. I'm a marital
artist for the sole purpose of defeating Ranma, so don't come asking
me for any more advice, you hear?" Ryoga starts to walk away when 
Noitaru looks up and yells at him "Wait!" He says "Before you go, 
check the front of your bandana." Ryoga puts his hand up, and there's
a little post it stuck there. He takes it off, and looks at it. His
muscles clench. His blood boils. His eyebrows twitch. Veins start
sprouting up all over him in anger.

"What the Hell is this supposed to mean?"

Fear.

That was what was written on the post it. Noitaru's diagnosis:
My continual victory and scorn over him has adjusted Ryoga's 
behavior. According to Dr. Noitaru, this is known as classical
conditioning. Cause and effect. Having been attacked and beaten every
time we meet, Ryoga now has an in-built mechanism to become lost,
and avoid me at all costs. According to Noitaru, he's not lost, he 
knows exactly where he's supposed to go, and he will attempt to avoid
going there as long as he can, in order to avoid me. His misdirection
is only skin deep. Deep down inside, it's his fear keeping him from
going anywhere.

After Noitaru told me this I sat still for a few moments and I 
scratched my chin. I then turned to him.

Horse...Shit.

Ryoga needs a YOU ARE HERE sign in order to use a phone-booth
and Ryoga's ALWAYS been like that. And now Noitaru gonna come along,
and tell ME that it's MY fault?

"Believe what you want, I'm only telling you because you are the 
stumbling block. According to my diagnosis, Ryoga will continue
on this course until he rids you from his life."

Getting Ryoga out of my life? Where do I sign?

"I'm afraid it's not that simple." He says "He is going to have to 
defeat you, and he might do even worse, but don't worry. I'm going
to do all that I can."

Well, all right then. It's good to see the doctor is making some 
sense.

"I'll make sure it'll be a spectacular fight."

Excuse me?

"The battle royale. He must crush you, in order to get back what he 
has lost and I'll make sure he can do his best."

I grab him by the lab-coat. I'm about to redefine the word crush for
him. What does he think he's doing. Ryoga is about as stable as 
nitro-glycerin, and he's talking like he can make a friggin' Chinese
new-year out of it.

"TWITCH-TOUCH!" He screams, and his fingers start tapping all around
my head and chest, suddenly I feel really...good. My grip loosens,
and my whole body does this kind of shiver, that makes me feel good
all over. Noitaru steps back.

"The twitch-touch is a classical conditioning attack. By applying
pressure to both endorphin secreting glands under the skull, and 
motor neurons under the skin, I can force upon you a temporary
euphoria associated with muscular twitching."

I see.

What the fuck did he just say?

"It will feel good when you do this." His whole body limps up and he
does this weird shiver. "Wuuuuugaaaaaaa." then he stands straight
up again. "So you'll be doing that for the next hour."

No wait just a damn wuuuuugaaaaaa.

"I'm off to train with Ryoga. I'm going to learn that breaking-point
if it kills me."

Or if it kills me for that matter. Noitaru runs off into the distance
and I'm left standing here, alone. Wuuuugaaaaaa.

I headed home, twitching all the way. Just wait it gets better,
to express my newly found inner-child of rage I meditate on kicking
Strangelouvre's ass again. Everything's fine, until I realize that
I'm kicking his ass against a gray background. It's at that moment
when I realize, we never agreed on a place to fight. Ain't that a 
quarter-shitter with cheeze? I get home and run to the phone, picking
up the phonebook, I'm halted wondering where to look. 

Gyencologists? Special doctors? Immigration?

After about 10 minutes I find it. "Medical clinics-other." 

Wuuuugaaaaaaa.

I dial the number. The secretary picks up.

"Strangelouvre medical clinic, Rei speaking."

Gimme Doctor Strangelouvre. Um, STAT.

"May I ask who is calling?"

I'm Ranma Saotome.

"Oh, I see..." One moment please.

I'm on hold.

Unforgettable....That's what you are....Unfor-

"Bonjour, Mon amis, Heve yeu call-ed to seureendar?"

Fat chance, big guy. He never told me where to be tommarau, neun.

"I deed too, yeu foergetfeul waif...In zee park, by zee pond."

What I am about to do I shouldn't have done. I told him not to hang
up the phone, and to tell me what exactly Akane's condition is.

"Zat eez not yoar concearn."

Actually, it is my concern. I know Akane pretty well, and I think
for damn sure that he should inform me. So why shouldn't he tell me.

"Well, because it eez not my concearn ezer. I am onlee fighting
yeau to free zee Madame Kodachi from yoar clutcheza."

For the record, I don't give a shit about Ko-

"Sileance, yeau. Yoar voace eez giveeg me zee hedake. I weel tell 
yeau what you weesh to knau eef you defeat moi."

Deal. The park. The pond. Tommarow. Noon. My fist. His face.

"Yeau weesh!" and he hangs up.

I slam the phone down. KICK HIS ASS KICK HIS ASS KICK HIS ASS.

"So Ranma, you want to find out Akane's secret, aye?"

Nabiki? When did she get here?

"If the price is right, you can find out by tonight."

She'll tell me? Wuuuugaaaaa. Nabiki was taken by a stunned look.

"What the hell was that?"

I sigh, and pull out 1000 yen. Nothing, I say. She takes the money.

"I suppose that's enough for a hint."

I'll take it.

"If you're ever in Akanes room, start looking around."

Yeah, sure, if she finds me, she'll kill me.

"That's the price you pay, Ranma. Anyway, when you look around,
you will have to look for something you WON'T find."

Huh? I say. She steps closer, and starts to whisper.

"You're not looking for something that isn't supposed to be there.
You are looking for something that is supposed to be there, but it's
not."

Gimme my money back.

"Sorry, Ranma, that's the breaks. Good luck!" And she runs out the 
door.

Hey, just what I needed today. Now I've got a piping mad Akane with
a concerning condition I still know nothing about. I'm lined up to 
fight a gynecologist, over freaking KODACHI of all things, Ryoga'a
out to kick my ass more than ever. And NOW I'm down 1000 yen. Did I 
forget anything? Wuuuuugaaaaaa. Oh, fuck.

I wait 'till night-fall, After our sushi dinner. So, Akane is in the
bathroom, and it was my only shot. Kami of kamikaze be with me, I'm
going in. I rummage through the underwear drawers. Bras, panties,
socks, all good. Next drawer, shirts, blouses, training gui, all 
check out. Last drawer, skirts, pants, shorts. Nothing is missing.
Only weird thing is in a junk basket on the dresser; an empty contact
lens holder, no initials on it, but I know Akane doesn't wear 
contacts; she's got perfect 20/25 vision.

Dammit, Nabiki.

OK, I'll be brief; I found nothing missing wrong or out of place that
could possibly relate to Strangelouvre. Either I'm missing something
or Akanes got a messed up way of wearing contact lenses. I'm about
to go through the last desk drawer, when I hear a voice behind me.

"What are you doing, Ranma?"

Kasumi.

I spin around. She's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Nothing!
Just looking for a pencil I lost.

"Oh, dear, are you sure you lost it in here?"

No, no, so I'm checking everywhere, guess I'll quit for the night,
though. Around Kasumi I can picture a wreath of flames, if only she
was wearing...that. 

Where's you're nightgown, Kasumi? I ask in timid curiosity.

"Oh, in the wash. Why do you ask Ranma?"

"RANMA? RANMA IS IN *MY* ROOM!?" It's Akane. She races down the hall,
fresh from brushing her teeth, Glass of water in hand, she douses
me, and throws me into the hall.

"YOU PERVERT! Don't ever come in here without permission."

"Oh, don't be hard on him." Kasumi pleads.

"I'll go easy on him WHEN HE STOPS BEING PERVERTED!"

After chasing me down the hall with a Shanai, I finally retreated
to my room for the night. Little did I know the dick-eating
komodo dragons were waiting for me. Thus, here I am, Final effect.
I've collapsed on my belly away from my bed.

Don't move me. Don't touch me. I'll sleep here if I can just sleep.

This whole day has been a bad dream.

--------- More book madness:

I could change my hair. Would you love me? I could change my way of 
thinking. Would you love me? I could change my face. Would you love
me? I could change my occupation to stealing drugs from the elderly.
Would you love me? I could change my sex. Would you love me? I could
change you. Would you love me? Give me love. Flash!

Chuck Palahniuk's INVISIBLE MONSTERS

I read it. I enjoyed it. Sorry mom, sorry God. ---------

OK, here's the new spell checked, and slightly updated version.
Now it's back to studying for finals. Merry Christmas, Ranma and 
Palahniuk-heads. Also a little upset, so I'm doing an MST invite.
Of all my works, my "Dr. strange" series(-Louvre and -Waff) have been
the weirdest, and supposedly most MSTable. Though I only once ever
tried to make a BAD fanfic, I've defiantly made a few that were 
simply too unorthodox for public good, and I do that for good reason.
This particular one I'm going out of my way be incredibly unorthodox.
I want this fic to be so unorthodox that it's anti-orthodox,
but I don't want it to be bad. So I'll admit that I was hoping to 
squeeze an MST off of this fic. Any of you wise guys got the guts to
take me on? One great set up for you.


Chenalos@yahoo.com

A 14 rivers production Cause 5 -------

OK, let's get technical. It starts with a single gene. This gene is 
called TFM. If you have good TFM, you are normal, if you have bad 
TFM, you're like Akane.

Simple enough.

I wake up, and the sun is beaming down upon my stiff-in-eight-places
neck. Pop's not around, and the clock says I got three hours before
the fight. I roll to my knees, aching and still tired, I trudge 
downstairs. Kasumi; lovely, friendly Kasumi has my breakfast all 
waiting for me. Pop, the giant panda, is playing shogi with Mr. Tendo
on the porch. Akane's playing dress-up with an all to familiar
little black pig, who's giving me a stare of hatred so strong, that
it could burn a hole in a shag-carpet. Nabiki's counting up the 
earnings from her latest extortion scam, which I'm told involved
a ten person network, 2 hidden cameras and a fifty page incriminating
document. See no evil, hear no evil. Lastly; the glorified, elderly
master of the school of anything goes martial arts is presently
swimming in a basket of freshly stolen bras and panties ranging
from smooth silk to lusty lace with lots of casual every day and 
kinky secret stuff in between.

Welcome to my morning.

My first thought isn't my stiff neck, it isn't sleeping on the wooden
floor, not the pig glaring at me from across the room, it isn't even
Akane's mysterious condition. What's on my mind is Strangelouvre.
Call it an obsession if that fits for you. He's everything I'd want
to beat up in a person. Kodachi, rudeness, bad karma and vaginal
sciences I don't need any more of these things my in my life. I'd say
trust me, but you know already; my life needs simplification,
not complication. I'm going into a man to man fight, but it's when
I take my first sip of my morning miso soup that I realize that I'm
a girl.

This is last night all over again. I wish I could realize these 
things sooner. Picture it, I go to fight Strangelouvre with this tits
and ass body of mine. I most definately wouldn't live it down. Like
I said, this is a man-to-man fight, and that is the whole point.
Sure, I may turn into a girl, but what I am is a guy. I am a guy, 
dammit, a guy with too many women (myself included) trying to drag
my life down. I deal with enough girls to have to deal with their
doctors too. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to put up with women at 
all, ever. Mating really can't be worth all this. I finish my soup
and head to the bathroom to draw a bath.

If there is a loss-of-funtcion mutation located on the TFM gene in 
your genetic make-up, well, I would say you're in trouble, but you 
can't do anything about it. The damage hs been done, so I'd be 
telling you a little too late. 

How late? Well, how old are you? That, plus 9 months too late.

This is all the vital stuff they teach guys like Strangelouvre.
This is the nitty-gritty, urgent knowledge. Everything I ever wanted
to know about TFM loss of function mutation, and it's effect on human
embryological development, but was afraid to ask; third edition.

Are you paying attention?

Hit yourself.

My whole body seems to melt in this hot bath. The neck ache subsides,
fades and trails away to become a warm and fuzzy-feeling weather
front, working it's way south.

I open my eyes, and look straight up at the light that hangs above
the bath. The bright-white light is burning a flashing-blue
spot into my vision, and in the burn spot, I can see myself beating
Strangelouvre. This time, complete with the proper backdrop. In this
light I see my chestnut fist. In this light I see him hitting the 
ground, wincing. In this light I see my triumphant victory. In this
light I see the shadow of a hand that comes down over my face, and 
shoves me all the way underwater.

I look up through the splashing waves, and the glare of the light,
and the silvery rims of all the bubbles draining out of my lungs,
while my arms are flailing up to grab something, like a pound of 
flesh. I look up and what I see is the silhouette of Mr. Big-fang
wearing just his bandana. I swipe a punch at his face, and he jumps
back, letting me up for some air.

He just stands there, naked and smiling, like the marble archaic
statue of some great Greek hero. His face appears to me out of a halo
of subtle blue and white flashes from the burn-spot of the light I'm
not looking at anymore. 

I'm not looking at it anymore, but I can still see it.

That's a metaphor, for something.

"How did that make you feel?" He asked, sounding like he knew he 
didn't have ask at all.

I say it made me feel like kicking him in the face, and seeing how 
many teeth I could knock out. This guy really has no shame, if he 
can't postpone his little right of passage or whatever long enough
for me to take a frikking bath. His smile just gets wider, then he 
turns away from me, and pours himself a glass of water from the sink. 

"Ranma, How do you think I got here?"

I ask him did he hear me or not? If he doesn't want any broken bones,
or concussions, he leaves right now. Otherwise, I swear to God I'll
beat his ass worse than ever. This is the moment. 

Fight mechanism. It's the moment when you start pumping adrenaline,
it's the moment you know you're going to course all your energy into
fist after fist of demolishing power. Your muscles tense, your heart
pounds, your whole body feels charged like an electrified fur coat.
This is the moment that I was saving for Strangelourve, and knowing
that Ryoga is taking some of that energy away, and making me use it 
on him, that just makes me want to fight him even more. Acting like
he doesn't even hear me, he turns to face me, taking a sip from his
water glass, then setting it down, smooth as wax-paper. He says to 
me;

"Up the stairs, turn left, down the hall. It was that easy. Dr. 
Noitaru is right, all I have to do is confront my fear of you, and I 
can truly become a man. I'll never be lost ever again."

Crack. Crack. Crack. That's my knuckles. I don't say a word, standing
there, naked and ready to unleash. He can get out now, or the 
beat-down shall commence.

"Something on your mind?" He asks

I tell Ryoga I'm happy that he's confronted his fear, I'm happy he's
found his way around a two story building, I'm happy his courage
is coming to him. I tell him that's as far as my happiness stretches.
Everything else about me is massively pissed.

Get the Hell out of here.

"Ranma, I hate you! And I'll be damned if I do anything you tell me 
to do."

It rains, and it rains, and it rains. Finally, the damn bursts.

I jump out of the bath, and I'm going to see how hard I can kick his
face. Picture a perfect set of five toe prints indenting into Ryogas
forehead. Now picture them 3 inches deeper. This probably would have
worked, had not Ryoga still had his glass of water. Cold water might
as well be kryptonite.

Splash.

I'm wet with cold water, cause and effect, now I'm a girl. My face
kicking plan I quickly abandon, and I try just to keep myself covered
up. Ryoga, he's such a bastard. No sooner do I land then he grabs
my wrists. He swings me back against the wall, pins my arms down,
and presses his body against mine.

Fear mechanism. It's that moment when adrenaline starts pumping
in your veins. Your throught clenches up, and you can't breathe,
let alone scream. It's that moment when your whole body shivers
and tenses, stresses and pulsates. All the strength you muster drains
into panic and confusion. My breasts pressed against his chest, his
tight grip around my wrists, pressed up against the bathroom tile.
With the heat of my panic, the fresh hot vapors from the tub and his
body like radiation all over me; I swear I'm being steam-cooked.

"You threaten me all you want, Ranma. I know your weakness, and I'm
not afraid to use it against you." he says, "I'm not afraid, period."

His eyes look into mine, but they seem to look through me, this is a 
speech delivered to the warm tile walls. I feel like nothing. The 
invisible man/boy/girl, whatever. That's not the point. The point
is, there is no point. I try to flex my arms forward, and he just 
torques my small wrists right back into the wall. The point is I 
can't make a point. I'd try to kick, but I don't dare move my legs,
lest I get more than I ever asked for. One wrong move, and I'm...you
could say...fucked.

We stare eye to eye, both our chests heaving. My breasts touch his 
pecs with each breath we take. 

Together. Apart. Together. Apart.

The worst of enemies in the worst of situations. Ryoga says that Dr.
Noitaru told Ryoga to be ruthless. If Ryoga wants to break his own 
fear, he has to attack in ways the old Ryoga wouldn't. So this is 
Noitaru's idea, not Ryogas'. Noitaru told him to subdue me at my weak
point. Ryoga says he didn't want to, but that Noitaru said that what
he wanted wasn't the point.

But, if you ask me, the point is this is pointless.

Ryoga is the one who's here. I don't care what Noitaru told him to 
do, Ryoga is the one attacking me. He has to listen to me, he has to
stop, he has to find some other way to do this right of passage
thing, or he'll end up hurting everyone involved. 

You want to know the best way to shut someone up? Put your lips over
their lips.

Shock mechanism. My jaw clenches up. His tongue slides across my 
teeth. Nothing makes sense. Adrenaline, confusion, anger, surprise,
fear all swirl together, and dissolve into a shock that BAM hits your
brain like a jump-start and fizzles every nerve like a fuse. How did
this happen? This can't be happening. All your quivering muscles
clench and knot. Your lips, his lips.

How did that make you feel?

This can't be real. This can't be going on. This can't be happening.

Ryoga pulls back, and looks into my wide eyes, and flushed red face.

"Ranma" Ryoga says "I must defeat you. I must become a man. I'll see
clearly then. I will be complete when you are gone."

He jumps back, and bolts out the window, leaving me standing there.
The light I'm not looking at is still burned into my vision, and I 
can still feel the Ryoga that I'm not pressed up against. He's left
a giant Ryoga-sized cold print from my shoulders down to my knees,
and over my lips. Now I'm all alone, seeing and feeling things that
aren't even there.

This is when my back slides down the tiles. This is when I rest my 
head on my knees, and clutch my legs to my breasts. I curl up in a 
ball and I try to feel warmth in all the places Ryoga left cold. This
is where I stay, crouched for a quarter of an hour, while I cry.

TFM is a gene that is maternally inherited. That means you get it 
from your mom. If this applies to you, that is if you have a TFM 
gene, then you got it from the egg cell that was fertilized by the 
sperm cell. This formed a complete 46 chromosome single human cell
that was you.

Not everyone uses their TFM gene, and they get along fine without
it. Some people use their TFM gene, and they do fine with it. But 
then there are people like Akane. People that had the divine and 
beautiful miracle of life fuck them over big time. People with a 
busted TFM gene will need to have a special doctor later on in their
life.

They'll need a doctor like Dr. Strangelouvre. A doctor like the guy
I have to defeat. I dried my tears, and splashed myself with some 
warm water. When that water hit me, no joke, all my sadness

Splash

turned into anger. I couldn't be sad for myself anymore, I could only
be angry at Ryoga, Strangelouvre, Noitaru. I have become a walking,
ticking two fisted time-bomb, wanting and waiting to go off at 
something. I got dressed fast, and headed out to the dojo for some
warming-up. Kicking and punching the morning away, I was breaking
cinder-blocks when Akane walked in.

The TFM gene encodes for a receptor. Every cell in your body has got
receptor proteins on their membranes, they pick up little bits of 
junk in your blood, and when they do, they tell the cell to speed
up, slow down, do this, do that, live, die, any number of commands.
I know this is boring, but it's important. I mean there she is, and
this changed her whole life, but I didn't know it at the time.

"Ranma, don't fight Strangelouvre." She says "I'll be honest, I 
didn't even want you to come with me to that doctors office 
yesterday."

She went on and on about how she was sorry he slapped me with the 
glove, and got into an argument with him. So it's not my fault, and
I don't have to fight anyone. She just doesn't get it. I refuse to be
weak I refuse to back down, I refuse to be hurt, I refuse to lose.
I am fighting Strangelouvre.

"Then I'm coming with you." She says. But no she's not.

"Yes I am." She says "He's my doctor after all."

Akane says this is her doctor, but this is my fight. This is my 
battle, and there's no way I'm going to back down. There's no way I'm
going to ask for support. This is something I have to do, and Akane
has nothing to do with it.

When all the guys were saying, 'Let's go build a boat to sail to the
Americas', or 'Let's go find the highest mountain in the world, climb
to the top, and become Gods' or 'let's build space ships, and lunar
rovers and terra-formers, and let's make space our playground'
What were the women saying? I don't really want to know. Because
I'm pretty sure it was somewhere along the lines of 'Let's go get new
curtains' and 'Let's add a second bedroom' or 'Let's switch to 
naturally decaffeinated coffee made with Arabica beans' That sounds
about right. Not very glamorous, but hey, that's just fine. That's
the way it is. If men will continue to seek out the next plain of 
existence, and if women will continue to be there to make that new 
plain livable for us all, then cause and effect, goddammit, alright. 

Man Woman Cause Effect Vice Versa. Great.

What does Akane want, if she wants me to back down, she's not taking
the attitude of a martial artist. She doesn't have to like the fact
that I'm fighting but she could at least support me.

Akane asked if she should support me at all, since she's known 
Strangelouvre longer than she knew me.

Look, I say, if she wants to root for her 'Special Doctor' Over me,
than that's just great. I turn and leave. She follows.

So if TFM is like a receptor you can think of it as kind of like a 
post-office. Any letter that is addressed to TFM gets sent to TFM,
cool? Now let's say that something is wrong with the p.o. box, like
it has no address on it. Picture a hormone as a signal, a letter,
that is addressed to TFM. Some old mailman is handed this urgent
letter addressed to TFM, and he goes to work and checks up and down
the line, but can't find the right box. The letter never gets 
delivered, the message is lost. All this happened before Akane was 
even born.

3-foot long French bread. Strangelouvre stood there in the park at 
noon with 2 loaves of French bread. Hi Kodachi. This is just to 
weird. Kodachi is here for no apparent reason, and Strangelouvre
has bread.

"Oui, Oui, mon amis. I inviteed haer teu obsearve yoeur undeuing."

I strike an attack stance, and I say come on, bring it.

"Yeau aer ov zee skuel ov anyzing goes mershal arts, yeas?"

I say yeah, anything goes, only pronounced properly.

"Mon amis, zis ees what goes." And he tosses me a loaf of the bread,
I catch it.

"I chelenge yeau to..." and he smiles, sneers "French-bread-fuu."

This is not a test. six weeks into development. The whole body is 
armed with these TFM receptors. Every cell is awaiting this signal,
if it does get the signal, it will go one way, if it doesn't get the
signal, it goes another way. But since the receptor is broken, the 
signal never makes it. It's the opposite to the burn that was in my 
eye. The light is there, she should have seen it, but not one part
of her had the ability to see it. Strangelouvre explained all this
to me, after he beat me.

He also explained French-bread-fuu before he beat me. Anyone can hit
a guy with a stick, an axe or anything hard and do damage, but there
was a sect of martial arts, located in France that asked the 
question, could something as soft as a loaf of bread be used to win
a fight. The answer was yes. Strangelouvre challenged me to this 
fighting style, and as an anything-goes martial artist I had to 
accept. The rules were simple.

1. You do not break the bread. 2. You do not break the bread. 3. You
cannot attack the body with your extremities or any weapons other
than the loaf. 4. When the bread is broken, or when one of us is on 
the ground the fight is over.

And that's it. He can't be serious. This is just a joke.

"Thesis no joke, Mon amis. I aem quite frank. Befoar we begin, 
howevair, tell moi. Why deu you weesh to know Mamuaselle Akane's
condision?"

At that moment, even I wondered. I couldn't get into a more 'none
of my fucking business category than this, but ever since I found
out about it, I've wanted to know. I told Strangelouvre that it was
because we live together.

We don't like each other, or anything like that, we're just familiar
with each other.

"Really?" He asked "How seu?"

I sigh. I sigh because she's my fiancée.

"Iz zat zee treuss? Zen yeau do have ze right to kneau, but before
I tell yeau, fight moi."

He strikes an aggressive attack pose, the tip of his bread pointed
at my head.

"Aer yeau ready, mon amis."

Yeah, I say, bring it on. There's no way he can knock me down with
a loaf of bread.

That's when he charged me. I took a defensive pose to deflect the 
bread off my wrist, and see if I couldn't trip him as he raced by. 
There was nothing in the rules about tripping. I couldn't tell you 
what really happened. What I do know is, that when he hit that bread
across my wrist it hurt. Then I saw a blur, and the next thing I 
knew, I was on the ground, looking at my piece of bread, flipping
through the air. It was coming down toward me. before I could even
get my hands up in front of my face, Strangelouvre swung at it, and
it broke into two pieces that landed by my left leg and two feet off
my right ear. He then placed the butt of the bread in my abdomen.
It hurt. He then brought it up and poked my chest with it. It was 
surprisingly soft.

"Mon amis, yeau were unprepair-ed for ziz battle yeau are defeated,
and heve been humilateed before bolse zee maddame Kodachi and zee 
mamauazelle Akane. Yeau must walk home in defeat..."

He kneels down and gets real close to me to say this next part. I 
want you to picture it. You pick up the letter. You open it up. The
urgent message that no-one read is inside. You unfold the paper and
you look at it. It says:


This is testosterone, repeat this is testosterone.

Abort female development, initiate male development.

Urgent!

Call off-female development and begin male development.


The following programs are to be aborted:

Vagina, Mammary gland, labium major, labium minor, Clitoris, 
Müllerian duct Enhancement. ETC.

The following programs are to be initiated:

Penis, prostate, scrotum, vas defrans, seminal vesicle, Wolfian
duct enhancement. ETC.

We are becoming a boy. 

Repeat

We are becoming a boy.

The message ends and no-one read it.

Strangelouvre looks at me, he says;

"And your fiancé has testicles."

What can I say?



Holy fucking shit.



---------------- to be continued.


Chenalos@aol.com (I hate AOL, but it's a free e-mail account, so I'll
take it)

Final ad:

------------------------- Chuck Palahniuk presents:

A man. He is everything you could ever want to be, and he has a 
vision.

He will take you into a new world, where you will be the proud ruler
of all that you see.

Or he will kill you trying to take you there.

He refuses to let you live in shame, where you are exploited by 
everyone, even yourself.

If he has to break you to set you free, he will do it, and you will
love him for it.

He is the savior, that will rescue us all from the bondage of 
convenience.

But he will only save you if you do exactly as he tells you to do.





I



WANT



YOU



TO



HIT



ME



AS



HARD



AS



YOU



CAN




---------- Fight Club

Read the damn book. ----------

I am Joe's email:

Chenalos@yahoo.com

Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause 6 -------


So Akane has nads. Whoda thought?

I'm guessing you're still trying to deal with this, so let me 
reassure you. It's more normal than you'd imagine, but it's scarier
than you'd think. She looks normal, but that is the freaky part. A 
girl who grew up with testicles, you would imagine as so much more
warped and hideous than someone like, oh say; Akane. The problem
with a girl who has testicles is that they're so deceptive.

Testicular Feminization Syndrome (TF) is simply anatomical deceit.

Mind you, I've seen Akane naked before. Envious? Don't be. It 
happened the first day I met her, and three times since then, all of
which happened regrettably and were followed up by painful 
consequence. Seeing naked girls can't be worth this. But from these
incidences I can say trust me, she looks like a girl, head to toe.
No odd extremities, no freaky other mutations. She looks like a girl.
Hips, legs, belly, all normal. She even grew tits, for crying out 
loud. Ovaries aren't as easy to grow.

Blue skies, smiling at me. On my back here in the park, I'm thinking
that chaos is so much easier to deal with when it's absolutely
quiet. A bird is chirping now. Does it have testicles? Does it have
ovaries? Does it need one but have the other? It doesn't matter.
Those lucky peckers. 

I don't know how long it's been since the fight. Strangelouvre
walked away after telling me the news, every last gory detail. I 
really wonder if he hates me as much as I hate him, because I can 
tell he enjoyed informing me that everything I've been led to believe
is a lie. So many things are becoming clear now. It's like Nabiki
said, to look for things that aren't there.

Burns in your vision.

Look for what's not there, of course. In Akane's case it's things
like tampons and maxi pads. I never found one while I was sneaking
around in her room, and this is the reason. Why would Akane need 
those? She doesn't even have a uterus, and she doesn't go through
periods, either. Shame, she looked so much like a normal girl. Too 
much.

I know it's not her fault that she developed testis as an embryo,
and didn't realize it, but suddenly BOOM it's my problem. I am 
engaged to a girl with nads and no uterus. And there's nothing I can
do about it. The deal is done, and according to our fathers, we're
stuck with each other, regardless of what we really are.

All human beings are taken in 'as is' condition. We are Earth's
race of used cars, just trying to sell ourselves to each other.

Here's a great, almost new model, with good mileage, pouty lips, long
hair, fresh spark plugs, wonderful personality, cozy interior,
and headlights that could blind you! Wow, Tendou! You convinced
me! Thanks! Guess pop forgot to ask about what was under the hood.

Right now, inside my fiancé, where her ovaries should be, there are
two pieces of human tissue screaming out;

"No! No! This can't be right! I'm a boy dammit! Not a girl! I am a 
boy!"

Oh, I know what you're thinking, and don't go there.

I was on my back, and she came over, she looked down at me. The fact
that I didn't move after Strangelouvre talked to me had her worried.
Her dress, her eyes, her face, her breasts, she had me completely
fooled all this time.

"Are you alright, Ranma?"

Give her an Oscar.

I didn't move. I didn't speak. I just looked up at her. She crouches
down, her hands on her knees. 

"Ranma," She said that part sounding really concerned, then she went
on "are you alright?"

All the landscape about Akane has been brightened.

And the brighter the landscape, the darker the outlook.

I lean back, and watch a cloud that is passing overhead, but Akane
wasn't to be ignored. She leans over, and puts her whole head right
in my way.

The rest of the story is that after her body couldn't receive the 
message that she was a boy, she became a girl. Her testicles got put
where her ovaries should be. No one could find them, and so, no-one
found out that she had testicles, until she turned 9. Her periods
never started, even though she was obviously going through puberty.
So a concerned Mr. Tendou brought her in to Dr. Tofu and he 
recommended a SPECIAL doctor; guess who? Akane would later tell me 
that the worst part of the whole ordeal those days was the surgery.
When you have TF you don't get a uterus, and there's a huge slab of 
tissue right where your vagina should be. You are, in fact only about
1 inch deep. Dr. Strangelouvre carved out Akane's vagina with his own
two hands. All in a days work. This is why she didn't want me to 
fight him, this is the secret I wasn't supposed to find out. After
the vaginal extension operation, Dr. Strangelouvre said he had to 
take Akane's testis out, but Akane wouldn't allow it. One surgery
was enough. Hands off. So her balls got left in. This has been a 
Tendou family secret for 7 years. Dr. Strangelouvre was the only 
other person who knew.

Just to dispel your fears, I guess I'd better tell you that they are
fine. Both Kasumi and Nabiki are fine. They are, I've been since 
told, perfectly normal girls. They each are really, really, no lie 
girls. Akane is the only son.

Just look at her look at me. Right in my face. "Ranma, are you all 
right!?"

I'm fine...How do you feel?

"Ranma," she said "You guys were talking for a long time after the 
fight. Did...He..."

Right now my biological level is talking like Akane. Die. Dry up and
die. Die. Die. Die.

It'd be the mercy killing of a youth in Asia.

My head leans to the left, so I don't have to look in her eyes. The
Tom-boy, emphasis on boy. When you think about it, everything
about Akane makes sense, after you convince yourself that she has 
huevos. Really, think about it. The martial arts, the attitude,
the boy-hating, the roar. Girls don't roar like her, and neither
do guys, only Akane.

I am Akane, hear me roar.

Miss testy who missed testosterone.

Most leading experts in the study of testicular feminization
agree that there is no valid link between TF and unusually masculine
behavior.

To those experts, I say that there is someone I'd like you to meet.

I'm not looking at her when I tell her that the Doc told me 
everything. He told me about the testicles, the TFM mutation,
the surgery, the secret, the bright, bright landscape of Akane. I'm
not looking at her when she pulls back, landing on her ass in shock
and alarm.

I'm not looking at her when she says "He...He told you? What did he 
tell you?"

You already know. She probably knows too, he told me all of it. The
only reason he told me anything was because I asked. I wanted to 
know, and he told me everything there was to know.

I didn't want to look at her, but she grabbed me by the collar and 
jammed her weepy-eyed face right into my face. Those big eyes, 
puddles of tears forming in the corners. The sniffle in her nose,
and that rasp of anger in her voice.

"How could you?" She stands up, and drags me to my knees "It's none
of your business!" Now they start falling, tears streaming down her
cheeks. Her eyes close, but that doesn't stop them. I'm so stupid,
you don't do something this dumb.

Like an idiot, I want to console her, so I say, so you have a 
disorder, talk about that. It's OK, really, talk about it. Her eyes
open, then tighten to a squint of anger, her teeth clench. I am so 
incredibly stupid; cause.

"Talk about it?" She screams, "Talk about it?" 

In my dream, I can sense the house burning down around me. It feels
like this.

"Damn you!"

She decks me in the nose, which immediately starts to pour out red as
I fall; effect. See how it works? The whole world works like this.
I'm on my back again, only now I'm bleeding. This has been a pretty
emotional two days; if you ask me. I wonder what would have happened
if she fell into the cursed spring instead of me. Maybe we'd both be
closer to normal.

"Shut up," she says. She reaches into her pocket, and pulls out a 
pile of tissues. She throws half at me, the other half she presses
to her eyes, and nose, and she left me there. I wad up some of the 
tissues and jam them into my nose. The blood trickles down the back
of my sinuses and soon I can start to swallow it, as I look up into
the sky. My hunger gets the better of me, and I reach over for a loaf
of the French bread that the doctor broke. I reach up, dust it of, 
and break myself off a piece.

She's such a bitch, I tell myself between chews. I swallow the bread,
and pop in another shred. She's uncute too, I say that while trying
to keep the food suspended in my mouth so I don't choke. Swallow,
eat, repeat. Plus, she's not even supposed to be a-and the bolus of 
food drops down my throat, and I'm forced to my knees, as I gag it 
up. I was coughing when I heard her.

"Why Ranma, darling, are you all right?"

Kodachi, great. Just what I needed. I wonder why Kodachi was here to
begin with. Kodachi said that Dr. Strangelouvre convinced her to come
after she met him in the library. She told me that she originally
didn't want to come, because she was sure I would have won the fight,
but after Dr. Strangelouvre said that he would use French-bread-fuu,
she wasn't so certain.

"I was hoping, darling, that after I didn't show up, The good doctor
would be defeated, and all his gloating and attempts to impress
me would be for naught. The man teaches me his tongue, and I'd prefer
our relationship to be left at that, unlike him. So I left his 
defeat, and my victory up to you, Ranma, darling. Surely I have 
enough confidence in you, my love, that I needn't have shown up to 
encourage your victory."

Why can't Akane think like that, I wonder.

"However, Ranma dear, one who has never fought in the style of 
French-bread-fuu, is almost assured to loose to a master such as 
Strangelouvre. Oh, How tragic that I should live to see the day upon
which my Herculean champion be felled by a lowly baked good."

Some would call this sympathizing, some would call it pity, I call
it rubbing my nose in it. I'm getting the hell out of here, so I get
up to leave.

"Ranma, wait." she pleads "I want you to come to my home, tomorrow,
at sunset." She's bending over, to pick up one of the broken loaves.
I don't want to see her, I don't want her pity, and I don't want to 
visit her house.

"But I know what you do want." She said. That got my attention,
so I turned to face her. She had taken up the single black rose from
the pocket of her shirt. She placed it under her nose, and took a 
single sniff.

"I know what you want, and I can give it to you."

She tossed the rose in the air, and when the bloom reached the apex
of its rise, she jumped up at it. With one swing of the bread, the 
whole rose blasted apart. I stood there, with black rose petals 
falling all around me. I knew what Kodachi wanted. She wanted me.

"I want you, darling." Like I said "I want you to learn 
French-bread-fuu. I want you to defeat Dr. Strangelouvre for me. I 
want you to meet me tomorrow, at sunset."

Faust sold his soul to the devil, in order to gain all the wisdom
in the world. Me? I think I've just cut a much sweeter deal. Kodachi
took out her ribbon, from wherever she keeps it, and in a vertigo
of flower-petals and nylon, she disappeared from my sight.

I want to learn French-bread-fuu. I want to defeat Dr. Strangelouvre.
I want Ryoga begging for mercy. I want Victory.

I take the tissues out. They've been sculpted into perfect molds of 
my nostrils, and have held their shape thanks to my mucus and crusted
blood.

But most of all;

I don't want Akane.

--------------------

Notes: I feel this chapter is a little rushed and a little short,
I put it out, really just to dispel confusion about Akane's 
condition. I wrote a paper that included a whole segment on TF, and
ever since then, whenever I thought Akane, I thought Testicular
Feminization. Akane isn't a hermaphrodite, and I am not Oscar.

If you meet a girl with TF, you won't know it unless she tells you.
If that statement isn't correct then my paper deserved a D-. Other
Sexual development disorders, like hermaphroditism, and turner's
syndrome are pretty obvious to the naked eye, even on a fully clothed
subject. I just wanted to throw in a plausible twist to the Ranma
universe.

In case you don't think you can cope with my unsettling plot, you 
should know ahead of time; You're reading the work of a guy who likes
reading Chuck Palahniuk, Franz Kafka, and the New Testament.
I'm all about twisted twists, so they'll keep on coming. I like 
writing about people turning on society, society turning on people,
and believing there is a God who made absolutely EVERYTHING,
even quasars and yet, he still loves us and our tiny little world
enough to be tortured to death for us and it. This is who you're
dealing with, so hang on.

Chenalos@yahoo.com

A 14 rivers production. Dr: Strangelouvre

Cause: 7

 

Ranma on Ambivalence --------

The first thing Kodachi asked me is where's Ranma? She doesn't say it
like that. I'll give you a hint; the word hussy is involved. You can
tell she was ready to train. Train her beloved Ranma, anyway. She had
two loaves of bread under her arm, and had chosen as her sparring
outfit; white silk embroidered pajamas. The first one, two, three
buttons on her top are already undone. Oh, Kodachi. At least she was
sensible with her make-up. A fourth layer would have really killed
the effect.

I tell her not to worry.

"Don't tell me what to and not to do, you redheaded wench. I gave 
explicit instructions that Ranma-darling come here in order to be 
trained, and I'll not have the likes of you adjusting my whims."

If you thought I was going to come here in my guy form, you're just
stupid. I try to keep my contact with Kodachi as minimal as possible
as often as possible. When she does push her way into my life, I try
to keep it on a purely unromantic level. 

I had a choice. It was more like multiple choice: A) Go to Kodachi
as a guy and risk being drugged and raped B) Go to Kodachi as a girl
and learn bread fuu C) Don't go to the Kuno's and deal with Akane
D) Talk to dad.

At this point, you're probably fairly impressed that I'd rather deal
with Kodachi than Akane. That's how much I can't stand her. For the
best example of this, consider yesterday.

I want you to picture yourself wandering around town after being 
backed up, and bashed with a baguette. Everything you've been led to
believe just got reversed on you. Bread loaves can kill. Women are 
men in disguise. Black could be white, and if it's not white, then
it's still probably just some random shade of gray. You try to find
relief in food. Ukyo serves up a beautiful combo okonomiyaki.
You can't take your eyes off of her. Her hands are small, and her 
fingers are narrow. I look back at my big right side paw, with 
bulging knuckles and veins that pop out like ant colony tunnels
when I make a fist. I look back at Ukyo. Ribbon in her hair, slender
legs. 

Call this an autopsy, if you will. The anatomy of Ukyo: Girl. A 
normal autopsy of a female, except in this case; the observer is 
closer to feeling dead than the subject. The anatomy of Ukyo: Girl?
At this point I'd second-guess everything, if it would bring me back
to life.

You are as dead to the world as the world is confusing to you.

Looking at Ukyo I'm thinking who is this person? She's got an 
unwanted boyfriend who fooled me into believing he was a she. Hell,
I thought for sure Ukyo was a boy for a damn good portion of my life.
Uut-chan is a girl ranks among the top 10 'Holy fucking shits' of my
life, along with Akane's testicles, and cursed spring suprise.
That's the way it turned out though. Even with me as a girl and a 
guy, and Akane a guy who wound up as a girl, I can at least say Ukyo
is a Woman. 

The anatomy of Ukyo: GIRL! Girl? Girl!

In my confusion, and dissolusion, I became a stare machine; sitting,
eating set of binoculars, focused on her. That's when she walked
over to me, tilted her body over so that her entire upper torso scans
at my eye level. Ukyo's gotta be real. She can't be a guy. Can she?

Right now my biological level saying ass, hips, thighs. Tits, eyes.
fingernails. Gynecology.

"Something on your mind, sugar?"

Cause and effect: look a girl up and down, what do you think would
happen?

"That's quite a stare you got locked on me, Ran-chan."

Is she hitting on me, or preparing to hit me? Ukyo smiles. I am 
woman; guess my mood. I tell Ukyo that I just had a lot on my mind.

"Me?" She asked

No.

"Then what?"

No, I didn't tell her about the Gynecologist.

No, I didn't tell her about the bread fight I lost.

No, I didn't even bring up Akane's anything.

"You wanna talk about it?"

No.

"Oh, come on Ranma-honey. What could be so bad?"

Does Ukyo have ovaries? I shouldn't ask that. I put down my 
chopsticks.

Would Ukyo like me to hit her over the head with a piece of bread?
That doesn't sound right at all. 

I look at her straight in the eyes. 

Ukyo, I've found myself in a complicated dilemma that just exploded
in my face, plus I've just been defeated and humiliated at martial
arts; the only thing I'm really good at; I just really need some 
time, to think through all this fucking mess that I made and I'm 
responsible for. No way am I saying that.

"Ranma honey?"

Ukyo it's Just...something...a lot of things...it's 
very...GRRRRR...you know?

She frowns. Score!

"Sorry to hear about it."

Bullseye! Confusion: Helping men deal with women, since the stone
age.

"So you came all the way down here just to sulk?"

I didn't really come all the way down here. Ukyo's restaurant
was just on the way, that's all. I think you get where this is going.
Ukyo and I are talking, and it's not five minutes into that; She 
walked in the door.

She's quiet.

I go quiet.

Ukyo goes quiet.

The skillet simmers. It's hot enough to melt fingerprints.

"Planning on staying here all night, Ranma?"

I will not talk to her. I'm staying quiet.

"Well, fine then. Tonight I'm going to shut the main gate at 9:00 and
if you're not inside, you can stay outside for all I care."

I am a stone.

"Do you hear me?"

I am a still-life portrait. I am a cliff face. I am a breezeless
sunny day. Dammit! Go home, Akane!

I'm a liar. 

Get the hell out of here, and go to sleep early. Sweet dreams. I hope
you choke on your damn pig.

Her face pulls up tense in anger the way metal must buckle before
it wrinkles up into jagged car-crash angles, you can tell that she's
gritting her teeth. Extremely pissed, Kodachi looks just like Akane
did yesterday, when I told her off. Hell, the black rose can get as 
angry as she pleases, still, I finally convinced her. Kodachi hands
me a piece of bread. The only person coming here to train is the 
pig-tailed girl. Ranma will learn everything she learns. Their styles
will be as one. Training me is the same as training Ranma himself,
so just relax.

"Ohhhh, I'd like to relax you into unconsciousness, you beast of a 
woman."

I think there may be a flaw in my plan.

The black widow has at least enough decorum to mate with the male 
before she eats him, but when two female spiders meet, it's an all 
out battle with no-holds barred. Black and red. This is going to be 
Kodachi's purest form of combat, with the single intent of destroying
the red haired girl, with bread.

Right now my biological level is saying; let's rock, 
Epinephrine-releasing splanchnic stimulation of the adrenal medulla,
bring it on.

I think I've been watching documentaries too much.

Anyway, I'm in the door, and that much closer to mastering french
bread-fuu. Now all I have to worry about is Kuno.

"Oh, brother dear?"

I'll try to abstain from vulgarity.

"I'm going to be giving lessons to a certain red-haired one in the 
main training hall; please do not disturb us."

I hear an approaching rumble coming down the hall. Think blue 
thunder.

"Surely you do not mean..." and then he saw my face "Ahhhh! My 
pig-tailed goddess! To what do I owe this visage of beauty within
my own domecile?"

Actually I-

"Speak not, my sweet, for surely I can ascertain, by the truth that
all love knows, the truth that joined souls share! I know he one 
reason for which you have visited the house of Kuno. Is it not to 
finally profess the anguish of living day by day without your dearest
Kuno by thy side? If that be true, then freely, come to me, my sweet.
My heart awaits you."

I raise up my bread loaf, and hit it over Kuno's head. The bread 
breaks, and a purple kind of powder puffs out from the broken bread;
bursting around Kuno's face. With a blood-curdling scream, he falls
to the floor, completely paralyzed.

Oh, silly me. This is Kodachi I'm dealing with. Just so you're not 
left in the dark, her plan was to paralyze me.

"Paralyze YOU my dear? Oh, perish the thought. My only desire was to
but mildly quell the raging manly force that is Ranma Saotome,
into a mode to which a delicate flower such as I may work with more
freely."

Delicate flower? Quell? Me?

Sedate rape, that's what it is.

"Anyway, your form is all wrong, dear." She hits me in the stomach
with the butt of her loaf of bread. I grasp my gut and bend over from
the pain.

"You see my dear? Isn't that much better?"

I knew I was in for it. It's an impending doom feeling, and only the
day before this, at Ukyos, I had do deal with it. I couldn't stay out
the whole night. I knew I would have to go back to the Tendo's place.
I knew I would have to go back to Akane. Only a matter of time. That
is impending doom.

I got up and left. It was all very unceremonious, I jammed the rest
of my cold okonomiyaki in my mouth, laid my money down, didn't even
say goodbye, just waved my hand and walked out. 

I'll see you later, Ukyo. I say to nobody.

Akane just had to butt in didn't she? Yes, I was checking out Ukyo,
and if I did, then it's my own damn business, isn't it? If Ukyo tried
to bleed what happened out of me it's not my fault, not my fault,
not my fault because I didn't tell her anything. That's what I'll 
tell her When I go back.

Stop. Just stop a second. 

I stop walking.

What if fate isn't a one-direction thing? What if it's more like a 
multiple choice thing. God, or whatever you wanna say that controls
fate has options lined up for you.

God says: I'll give you this choice, and you get to decide what fate
I give you depending on your answer.

You know, more like a cause and effect type of thing.

Are you nodding off?

What if this is the way the world works?

Hit yourself.

Suddenly I realized, every choice I make determaines everything
I am.

What if I said I dig the whole innocence thing and vowed to marry
Kasumi?

Would she have burned the house down? If I'd have gotten engaged
to Nabiki? Would she have taken a vow of poverty? If Akane were a 
real girl through and through, would we never have met at all? Could
we really be that happy?

Can I effect the cause to effect effect?

Yes.

I turn left. If I'd wanted to go home, I would have kept going 
straight, but I have just realized that I have every right to be 
pissed off at Akane. I do not have to apologize for jack. I don't
have to walk home. 

I'm in control of my own fate.

"Ranma." I hear Ryoga say.

I don't have to face Akane but I do have to face Ryoga. My fate still
seems to be multiple choice. 

For example:

A) Ignore Shampoo B) Chestnut fist C) Change sex D) Go crazy E) all
of the above

"If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right"

Sure Kodachi, whatever. I walk into the Kuno Tumbling room. This was
a sight to see. Her equipment rack; Serrated-edge ribbon, apparatus
nunchucks. If you thought gymnastics was all based upon the grace
and beauty of the human form in perfect controlled motion, and had no
destructive ulteriors-If you thought that I have two words for you:
assault baton. Besides the equipment rack is a big wine rack. She 
opens it up, and there's no wine. Only an assortment of french bread. 

"Judges 7:13" that's written on the top of the rack.

"A round barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp." Kodachi
says, "It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned
and collapsed."

Must be a metaphor for something.

"It's a metaphor for the whole school and style of french-bread-fuu!"

Yeah, whatever. Like I said, a metaphor! Can we just get to the 
point? I ask.

"But of course dear." She hands me another loaf to replace the one 
that crippled Kuno.

"Now let us begin." She holds the bread above her head. Kodachi
explained to me that the secret of french-bread-fuu is the user not
the bread.

"Yeast for bread, yeast for battle." she said, to which I said wha?
These kind of things usually come easy to me.

"strike me." she says "knock me down."

She's doing this wierd jujitsu pirrouette stance, standing on her 
toes. Not the flats of her toes, the tips. Doing this usually results
in your foot turning into a front-end car wreck, but she's holding
it prety well. Martial arts music box ballerena says; knock me down
if you can, wench.

Nobody calls me wench, especially being a guy in the first place.
That hurts. With a smile, I charge and the lesson has begun.

-----------

Notes: Inspiration is down. Classes are up. I still have this story
floating around in my head, and I better get it done soon, 'cause
I'm getting too old for this stuff. Just picked up the newest 
Palahniuk book, "Lullaby" which is unsettlelingly supernatural,
offbeat from his usual hard edge affront of paradoxical realism.
Yet, the book rolled me out of a lull enough to finish this chapter,
Here's hoping the next chapter I write will be sooner released,
and more gripping.



Picture a bullet in a word, and fire it.

Find a knife in your sentances, and cut them to pieces.

Plant a bomb in your paragraphs, blow them away.

Say the word and silence them all. 

Chuck Palahniuk "Lullaby"

Go to sleep, little one.


Chuckpalahniuk.net




More to come,

-Chenalos@yahoo.com Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause 8: --------

He’s crying on my shoulder, and his mucus dribbles down the front
of his face and globs off in big pools into my shirt. He squeezes
me so tight, God, I could swear he’s gonna crack a vertebra. 

“I didn’t mean to Ranma, honest to God, man!”

I can remember a time Ryoga was this close up to me he left me a 
sobbing mess, now the roles are reversed, but it still sucks to be 
me. I can feel the tears-n-snot soup he’s currently secreting
running through the fabric of my shirt onto my shoulder.

“Hug me, Ranma. Embrace me! I need that at least.”

Embrace this. My fist clenches up, my hand goes in the air, and then
serenity. Tranquility takes me over. Noitaru just stabbed in the back
of the shoulder.

“Seratonin point! B.F. Skinner School special attack. How did that
make you feel?”

My hand goes limp, drops down and my brain is at ease. The 
psychiatric approach to problem solving is usually to dope someone
up with drugs. In this case Noitaru is using his brain-fucking
martial-arts to keep me in a state of lulled bliss, using my own 
endorphins against me. Cause and effect. My vision has blurred,
I’m high as a kite, and no matter how much the logical part of my 
brain wants to be mad the constant supply of neronal happy-sauce
just won’t let me.

This all started a week ago. In fact, it’s been a long time so I 
can’t help but give the gory details for this most recent week in my
history. It all started when I changed the fate of my entire life by
not going home. The turn I took, well it brought me face to face with
Ryoga.

“We have to talk Ranma.”

Like hell we do. This idiot tried to rape my girl half. My next move
was going to be to bash the bridge of his nose into his forehead,
but something happened that made me stop. A cloth was pushed over my
face and some kind of chemical was squeezed out over my mouth. One 
wiff was like someone poking my brain with wooden dowels through
my nose.

Cause and effect. Hit me with ether and I'm out like a light.

Next thing I know I'm coming around mumbling no problem. No problem.
It's OK. There is this gigantic grayish blob trying to suck me inside
of its body cavity like something out of a microscope slide.

The grayish blob crushes my torso, and I can see yellow and black
bits of gunk floating around inside of it. It speaks to me in a 
mumbled tone, like someone stuck wax then cotton then more wax in my
ear.

“Forgive, me Ranma. I don't hate you but I must become a man.” 

The gray mass sucks me in and crushes my body some more squeezing
my ribs and gusts together like an accordion. 

No, Mr. Amoeba-thing. Don't eat me.

I blink again and the image gets a little clearer. Upon reflection
this is entirely embarrassing. I blink and shake my head. Now 
everything becomes clear. Ryoga is the microbe trying to suck me in,
and Noitaru is at his side, tapping my shoulder, back, face, just 
about anywhere that he can get my brain to numb itself into 
submission.

“He's awake, now Ryoga, really let it out.”

“Ranma?” He grabs my head, and drags it down so we're looking face
to face. His smile goes from ear to ear, with his jagged fangs 
jutting out like stalagmites of elation and his eyes shrink-wrapped
in tears.

        All my senses seem to be coming back to me in a Testing,
testing one-two-three kind of way. The imaginary blocks in my ears,
and over my eyes are completely gone. My conscious mind is ussured
back into reality, and into my enemies loving arms. How do you feel?

I feel great. 

Joy.

Rapture.

Bliss.

How should I feel?

Rage.

Kill.

Destroy.

Ryoga must die.

The problem with the brain is that it's something physically
real. If you poke it in a certain place, or squirt it with some kind
of drug you can change everything.

Can't eat tofu?

Poke.

Now you can.

Can't write a poem?

Squirt.

Now you can.

Don't like Ryoga?

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

Repeat.

Anyway the whole session went on like that. My-drugged up head 
couldn't muster enough anger to kick the shit out of the kid, so one
might argue that we actually made headway. That was Thursday last.
Eventually we all got situated, and I agreed to do this little 
meeting thing once a day for a little while. That should at least
help the poor bastard level his surging emotions enough to keep us 
from killing each other.

The daily one one-on-ones actually get pretty interesting.
We do Alexandrean yoga, and Hibikis hums are like jagged sheet-metal
scraped across a blackboard. The last four times this hasn't been 
much of a bother, since I was too busy feeling the lower half of my 
body go numb. 

We do trust exercises. Standing up we hold hands and lean back as far
as we can. If we let go-well I'll just cut to the chase, we always
let go. Thump. Cause and effect, flat on our backs. It's called 
gravity.

Sunday was interesting. Noitaru had us doused and we had to explore
the virtues of our respective cursed forms. We sat there, I as the 
busty bombshell redhead I never wanted to be and Ryoga the pig on a 
mat in the park staring at each other. This went on for a long time.
Joggers would pass by, then they would return, and there we were;
chick, pig and shrink all sitting about, staring at one another.
It couldn't last forever so I finally said that Ryoga the pig is not
as obnoxious as Ryoga the human.

“Very good Ranma.” Noitaru said. “Ryoga?”

The little black pig motioned with his front hoof at Noitaru. The 
shrink complied by laying out an ink well, and a sheet of paper on 
the ground. The pig dipped his snout into the ink and traced out 
lines on the paper. When he was all done, Mr. P. dipped his hoof into
the ink, and stamped it out on the bottom corner.

Noitaru handed me the paper.

“I'm glad to see you've both made such great headway in this short
period of time. We'll meet again here, at the same time.”

I stood up smiling, looking at the paper. Teeth clenched tight enough
to crunch gravel. I turned and walked away.

“When Ranma is a girl, he is very cute.” Then the little black 
hoof-print.

You'd look cute over diced pineapple, frikker. Anyway, I couldn't
worry about that. I had to get over to Kuno's house. YES, I'm still
being trained to learn French bread-fuu, and YES, Kodachi is still
teaching me. I'm not ready to give up until I do some serious damage
to Strangelouvre. That pussy-prodding hack is all mine. What better
way for him to be defeated than by the person with the heart of a 
man, and occasionally the body of a woman? This situation doesn't
smell of irony, it bleeds.

Anyway it was Sunday, the same day that I got P-suke's little love
letter That I arrive for training and Kodachi leads me into the den,
and stands over the phone.

“Well, my dear, someone has to challenge Dr. Strangelouvre,
and it might as well be you. Simply call him, and it will be 
challenge enough. Formal letters are completely useless on the good
doctor.”

I assumed I should just tell him Ranma Saotome wants a rematch,
right?

“Precisely my dear.”

So I made the call.

“Dr. Strangelouvre, gynecological clinic, Rei speaking. May I help
you?”

I need to speak to Dr. Strangelouvre please.

“May I ask who is calling.”

I adjusted my voice. I'm Akane Tendo. 

That was by far the worst impression, ever.

“I beg your pardon?”

Right now my biological level is saying: Look at me I'm a girl with
testicles, I'm a bad impression, someone stop me.

I muttered well, that is I uh-before Kodachi grabbed the phone out of
my hand.

“Kodachi Kuno wishes to speak with him.”

She handed the phone back to me.

“Why darling Ranma keeps an annoying girl like you around I'll never
understand.”

I got ready to snap my fingers. I said if Ranma could be rid of me,
he would do it just like, and I snapped, that.

“Another thing he and I have in common.”

I go back to the phone. I'm on hold.

Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claim-

“Mon amour pour vous brûle comme le soleil au-dessus de la mer. 

Mon amour pour vous lames au-dessus et au delà de moi comme des 
nuages d'orage. 

Mon amour pour vous, deviendra-t-ce une tempête pour nous consommer
deux?”

What the fuck?

“Who ees thees?”

I'm just calling to tell you that I want a rematch.

“AI Baig youar pardaun Madame, I deu naut fait my paishenns.”

Of course not. Ranma Saotome had me call you to tell you he wants
a rematch.

“Ze gutlais swien, he couuld naut tawk to moi himesailf?”

Look, If Strangelouvre wants Ranma to call him that can be arranged.
However, he thinks this should be sufficient. Will you agree to 
fight?

“Naut unlaiss it ees made moar eenteresteeng. Eef he vaus to never
use martial arts again if he loses, zen I wuuld be veary anxiuus.”

And if Ranma wins?

“Zen I weel nevair aggan bozer ze madame Kodachi. He cain haer aal to
heemsailf.”

My gut clenched. At that moment I realized what this was all about.
Oh, God.

Deal, I say. Consider it done.

“In woan week at zee park, neun. Oui?”

Oui. He'll be there 

“Nau, eef yule escuse moi, zere is a 37-year oald in coald stiirups
I maust attend teau.”

My spine shivered and I hung up the phone. How could anyone not want
to beat the crap out of this guy? I turned to Kodachi and told her 
that if Ranma beats him, Strangelouvre will be gone for good.

“Well, you're useful for something dear. What else do you do besides
running errands for dearest Ranma?”

I grabbed her by the collar and brought her face right up to mine.
I kick ass.

“Really, dear?" Then she laughed. "Well, let's see, shall we?”

I'm a lot better at French bread-fuu than I used to be, now. The 
essence is in the chi. The battle aura that you produce can be 
extended into the object you hold. If you can do it right, then the
object you hold can be defended by your own aura. It's not extremely
effective, so combined with aura projection you have to learn to 
focus it as well as use different hand motions to attack with studier
parts of the bread. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me, it works.

For the whole week I busted ass to get the tricks of the trade down,
and it's paying off.

Thursday, the day that Ryoga wept a slime-hole into my shirt, Kodachi
and I did battle She came at me with a full-thrust, fencer style.
I blocked that with a side-swipe from the but of the bread. Still
in swordsman mode, the girl swipes at my head. A quick duck, and I 
try to slam the bread home on her heel, she has to back flip to avoid
me.

“Not bad, Red.”

I nod.

“Now we need to discuss a problem.”

Problem? I shouted, that was a perfect attack.

“No no no, dear. The problem is with Ranma. You tell me he is 
learning and I just trust you? No. Tomorrow I will not let you into
my house, understand? I want to see what Ranma has learned. So only
he can come here. Understood?”

I told her that he'd only could come if there are no dirty tricks.
No paralysis powder, gymnastic weapons, strikes from brothers,
no attacking sharks or alligators. He'll come here, and Kodachi
will spar with him just like she sparred with me. Agreed?

“Indubitably, my dear.”

So I agreed. It was Thursday then. The next day would change my life.

Oh yeah, Akane.

I haven't spoken much to Akane in the last week. What's there to say?
She was a lie to me from the start. What she really is is something
I couldn't want any less. But for your sake I'll tell you that every
time I went out to meet with Ryoga, then spar with Kodachi she always
had some word for me, she waited for me out by the gate each time.
Before I left on Thursday she said to me:

“Ranma, I really want to have a talk with you. Allot has changed
too fast. So please, when you come home, Just be with me for a little
while, and hear me out.”

Sounds nice doesn't it? Rewind to Wednesday when she said this:

“Ranma, we should talk.”

Rewind to Tuesday:

“Talk to me later, Ranma.”

Back to Monday:

“See you later Ranma.”

Sunday:

“You leaving?”

Saturday:

“Get lost, Jerk.”

Friday:

“You had better have something to say to me, you ass.”

Now, let's look all the way back to Thursday, the day on which, just
as she promised, she locked the gate, and I had to find someplace
else to go.

Authors notes:

OK, no more school, which kept me from writing, but at the same time,
I'm pretty sure everyone who once followed the fic is out of the loop
on it now. I don't think anybody really cares if this gets written
or not, nobody except me, so I guess I better finish it. I love to 
win a “most bizzare fic” award, so if there are any out there, 
somebody make sure I get nominated. 

The real inspiration for polishing this off was when I went to see 
“The Matrix: Reloaded” and for a brief moment on screen, before me 
was an arrogant, French dingus going on about “Cause and effect.”
All I can say is that it was a thing that made me go Hmmm. 2 seconds
later I knew I had to write more Strangelouvre. Whether a 
coincidence, message from God or indication that the Wachowski
bros. like my work (HAHAHAHAHA, right) I knew I had to write more.

Further notes: For the hell of it I added direct quotes from “Fight
Club” and “Survivor” Both books are © Chuck Palahniuk, and don't fuck
with him, he'll kick your ass.

“Billie Jean” is a Michael Jackson song. I don't know who owns the 
rights, I don't own them that's for sure. I just used it as an 
excerpt, please don't sue me. Don't show this to him, or he'll climb
up a tree, and sue me while claiming he never saw a plastic surgeon.

Ranma ½ is owned by Rumiko Takahashi. Don't show this to her, or 
she'll have a heart attack, or try to have me killed or something.

Chenalos@yahoo.com Dr. Strangelouvre

Cause: 9 --------

If you're nodding off, hit yourself.

This is important.

She said, "Know me and know that you know me."

Everything about Akane makes sense after you aknowledge the fact that
she has huevos. She is Akane, hear her roar. She hates guys, why? 
Because only a part of her is a guy, not that she is supposed to be 
that way, and not that she isn't either. She hates being girly why?
Because the rest of her is a girl that has to deal with it. Not that
she is supposed to be that way, and not that it isn't either. She 
hates me, why? Because, and face the facts, we're too much alike.
A guy with a girl half, and a girl with a guy half, my yin for yang,
her day for night. Its something like a puzzle that if you look at it
and press it a little the two pieces might fit together, but they 
can't.

If you try to force two puzzle pieces together, you'll ruin them and
whatever picture they were trying to make.

That's a metaphor for something completely different.

I won't generalize with metaphors because it's too simple. I don't
want Akane.

Akane doesn't want me.

We hate eachother and that's the way it has always been. It's nothing
personal, it's nothing grudgeworthy, it's our nature. Physical
makeup. Biological level. The situation has nothing to ask for, and
nothing to be done about it. Cause and Effect. We are who we are. 
Incompatable. So why? For the love of God, why? Why does she think
we need to talk?

It was friday. I wake up, and it's friday. One weekend from now, I'll
be fighting Strangelouvre. I wake up and it's time to train. 

If I never see another Baguette for ten years, it'll be too soon.

I wake up and I'm training. This is what I do, this is my way of 
life. I practice kempo, and I'll be dammed if Strangelouvre
takes it all away from me. The bread is thrust foward, and the force
of my Chi bashes it against the training post. The sun beams in from
the east, through the trees and I couldn't feel better. The training
post, which is just a thick dowel wrapped in rope bends over like a 
noodle with the force of my blows. Around me, things are coming to 
life. I can smell Miso soup coming from the kitchen, the goldfish
start to stir the water looking for some morning food, and a big 
fat-ass panda bear walks out and plops down on the porch, to get a 
look at the sunrise. 

I break fast, to get breakfast. That morning was a little more quiet
than usual. Through my water glass, and over the rim of my miso cup,
I could see Akane. Glancing. Glimpsing. Checking. The whole fucking
meal, she couldn't take her eyes off me. I go back to training,
and she's in the window. Eyeing. Staring. Seeing. Today, she just 
seems to want to look me up and down as I ignore the hell out of her. 

Feel the bread.

Be the bread.

Thrust your will forth to defeat your foes.

Yeast and Salt and Light strike!

>From breakfast to lunch, She moved all over the house, and in the 
yard. Peeking. Peering. Observing. Meanwhile I actually feel like I'm
getting somewhere with this. The thing about Gynecologists
is that they think they can have everything they want. After you've
trained any women to do whatever you tell them to do, just because
a school gave you a piece of paper, they must get this superiority
complex. Think lion tamer. Think talk show host. Think dickhead.

Really, how do you think the lion feels? One minute he's clawing
and ripping the spleen out of a 700 pound zebra, the next, he's 
standing on a podium in a top hat, playng a kazoo. Me going against
Strangelouve again, I'm totally like the once tamed lion who says 'Up
yours, ringmaster, I've had enough. Rowr!' This is really why I don't
want to talk to Akane. She's going to try to talk me out of it. She
did the same thing last time.

She never even wanted me to go to the Doctor's office.

Well you know what, I never even wanted to go. None of this was 
supposed to happen. I was supposed to find out about Akane after out
parents had forced us to tie the knot. it was supposed to happen
when there was nothing I could do about it. Love conqures all.

What happened recently didn't happen for better or worse. How could
we ever be together? Even if we had no curses over our head? Now 
wejust have a new reason to get mad at eachother. What happened
recently changed nothing. 

Noticing. Spying. Peeping.

Why the hell should we talk at all? I get some lunch, and she pokes
me. I'm sopping up my Kitsune Udon, and she yanks my shirt. I set my
empty bowl down, drink my juice. Stand up, and then right after I 
said it was a good meal, she looks up. Focusing. Eyeballing.
Ogling. And she says; "Hey."

My eyes dart to the lower corner of their sockets, my head swivels
to her direction, and quite loudly I aske her; what?

"You don't have to shout. I was just hoping we could talk later."

I look around the table, no one is looking at us. I know they can't
really block this out, but they're trying all the same. Akane and I,
the invisible man/boy/girl/whatever. They can try all they want. This
isn't going away. I look back down at Akane, putting on her best 
puppy dog eyes and I say sure.

Sure, I say. Fine. I say OK. Great. Yeah. My pleasure. 

As I beat the bread into the dummy inside the dojo I say. I'd love
to. I swing the bread into the board. Wonderful. I grab the bread
at both ends, and strike the wall with the flat of the bread. I'd 
love to. There was an odd aroma in the air, that I couldn't put my 
finger on, but never the less wasn't too pleased with, so I hi-tailed
inside the Dojo, and I'd been practicing since lunch. All I can think
about is her, and that damn innocence she still thinks she can tote
around like a handgun. Good for emergencies.

You don't have to shout.

Yes I do. I do, and I've fucking earned it. I don't know how much 
more of this I'm supposed to take. I do know that I had my fill of 
this a week ago and if I feel like shouting, tough deal. I am Ranma
hear me roar. Rowr!

It's almost dinner. I've skipped my little therapy session or 
whatever you want to call it with Ryoga and Noitaru in order to hone
my skills for my demonstration tonite. Has he learned, Kodachi?
Oh, yeah, and then some. First I'll demonstrate skills worthy to 
defeat Strangelouvre. Then I'll tell her, that she has to know that
I am not doing it for her. She can get that out of her head. I'm 
doing this for me. I'm no hero, I'm Friedrich Nietzsche meets Dirty
Harry. An anti-hero in this for his own gains.

Don't bother cheering me on, I'm not doing this for you.

It was almost dinner, so I step inside, and wash the sweat off of me.
For a while, I wash all my troubles away. I come down to eat, and 
everyone's already started. I'm invisible again, but at least there's
a full meal ready for me. It looks like there's someone already
there. Everyones all settled in, and relaxed. The TV is on, no-one
looks back. It's like there's a ghost down there in my spot, getting
my dinner. Akane is the only one not watching TV, she's glaze-eyed
intent at nothing on her full plate, then as if on cue she looks up 
at me.

Scrutinizing. Surveying. Spotting.

"Hi Ranma. I waited for you."

Oh my God. 

What happened to me? 

Two weeks ago I was just fine; at peace with earth. Now I'm invisible
to everyone but Akane, who can't stop looking, looking, looking.
This all started today. What's going on?

"Nothing." she said. "dinner is served if you want it."

I sit down, and I take in my nourishments. As is now known by all,
she wanted to talk with me. I'm done with training, so now would be 
the best time.

"Not now." she said. "Later."

Look, I have an appointment to make, so please don't waste my time.
She should just spit it out.

Her eyes stared back at me, unblinking.

"Trust me." she gestured to my food "Eat."

So I ate. She ate. No words, just eating. Invisible and alone, 
together. Envious? Don't be.

Long story short, we get done, and the sun is setting. Akane turns
to me.

"You ready?"

Sure, why not? I say. She takes me by the hand, and now we're walking
to the stairs, but just before I get out of the room I look back to 
see a shot of a commercial on TV.

Looking. Looking. Looking. Looking. Looking. Looking. Looking.
Looking. Looking. 

Everyone was looking back at me. Kasumi, Nabiki, Pop, Mr. Tendou,
Happousai. Poof! I'm back in reality. I'm visible, more than that,
I'm unignorable. I'm the center of attention. Suddenly I'm like a 
car-crash in a shopping plaza that you can take your eyes off of. The
worst part is I don't know why, and I still don't as she drags me 
around the corner. Out of everyone's view. There is a reason for all
of this, and it is presently dragging and pulling me upstairs.

We're at her door, with the little yellow "Akane" duck on it. What's
going on here?

"We need to talk." The door is opened. I turn to go back downstairs,
out the door, and the hell away from here. She pulls my arm.

"Don't walk away from me."

I spin on my heels, and for a moment, I bring my open palm around
to slap Akane right across the face. I stop suddenly, and abruptly
I slap the rim of the door instead.

What if I don't feel like talking? Now she's crying. Great. Her teary
eyes look back at me and she reaches her hand over to first touch
my face, then to tug my ponytail, slightly.

"Then please..." she said "Just....Listen."

I don't want to hear anything. I want to go. That's exactly what I am
going to do. So Akane, let go of my arm. She looked down, and as soon
as she let go, brought her hand up to dry her tears. When I turned
to leave, that's when I hear it.

Know me, and know that you know me.

Did I want to? After all this is that what I could possibly want?
I didn't know. One thing was for sure. Cause and Effect. It's the way
the world works. It makes me curious. She had talked me into it. 
Afteral, with all that had gone under the bridge, knowing a little
more might help.

I was then inside. The door is shut. The lights are off. The sun is 
setting. All around the room are the ghostly shades of twilight,
the reds and blues, magenta that coallece and make the murky colors
of twilight. I'm in her room, and I'm on her bed, looking at her on 
the floor, red shines in from the window and onto her hair, and her
face is a pale blue.

"Ranma" She said "Just what am I to you?"

What do you mean? I ask, You waiting for me to say I fucking love you
or something?

"Not like that. That's not it at all."

So what then? She took in a deep breath.

"Fuck us. This has nothing to do with us. This is about me, OK? I 
need to know if I am a woman."

Cause and effect. She just blew my mind out the door. What is that
supposed to mean?

"I know that you can become a girl. It's who you are. But you're
no girl. To me, the Ranma that I know he is a he. He is right before
me, and how the outside changes doesn't effect what's inside at all.
No matter what form you take; to me you'll always be the same 
bull-headed, perverted idiot."

I roll my eyes. Yeah, thanks.

"That means, something don't you see? I know you, and I know I know
you." I look back at her "Like it or not Ranma, you know me too. At 
this point it's safe to say you know everything about me. What am I?"

There is no way out. I'm doomed. She's Akane and that's all that can
be said.

"That's not enough." She breathed in deep. "I've needed surgory,
I've had to read every last letter of diagnosis, I have to meet with
Dr. Strangelouvre, I can never have children, I'll never be cured,
what am I? I'm a woman de-throned. What I need to know now, the only
thing I want to know is this."

And she stopped. I think I can smell smoke. This whole house will 
burn down.

"A man has to tell me. He doesn't have to be in love with me or 
whatever shit you think I'm looking for. I need to know only that 
it's possible. A man can love me if I'm a woman. You're the first
man outside of our circle to know, Ranma, so you have to tell me. You
have to tell me Ranma. Am I a woman?"

I stand up. What you are is a headcase, Akane, I'm out of here. As 
soon as I got up to go out the door she jumped up and slammed me 
against it. The next thing I know, I'm turned around, and she's 
looking me square in the eyes, and she's shivvering.

"Answer me, or I'll never forgive you."

I was going to say: Are you sure you'd like my answer. Are you su-

And she kissed me. I still don't know why, but I went with it. All I 
can remember now is the sound of both our breaths heaving in and out
of our nostrils, smelling the thick scent of spontinaity.

I'm on the bed, and she's above me. She throws her vest off her 
shoulders, and throws it aside. gestring to the buttons on her blouse
she says,

"Can you get these for me?"

With a smirk I say that I've already seen them.

"Seen" she said, and took my right hand "but never touched" Bam. She
put me on second base. I started work, and lickety split, she was in
her bra in the fading light. Mind you I know what breasts feel like,
I of all people should, but at this particualr instance it felt like
discovering fireworks for the first time. Cause and Effect. Sure.
But I still don't know what came over me.

She bent over and we started making out all over again. Pretty soon,
there she was naked, and right by my side, with her curved being 
traced by my fingers. She's still shivvering.

"Maybe I'm cold." she sighed, and brought herself closer to me. "Hold
me for a while."

Chenalos@yahoo.com Cause: 10 ---------

Envious?

The thing I wonder about sex is, can you ever get it just right?
I thought she was going too fast for me, So I told her to slow down
a little. The machinegun bump and grind came to a stop, and now it's
too slow. Not that slow, I say. Now she's going too fast again. I 
didn't bother opening my mouth again, for fear that there was no way
that even I could think of the correct pace. If you get laid, can it
be done just right? I look back and I know I can do better than that.

Next time I get some, I want it to be so perfectly syncronized,
that I look back and think job well done, think medalworthy,
think spot-on aricraft carrier landing. Right now, all I can think
of is clumsy, spontanious act of passion, and no other 
classsification will do. How was I to know that all this would turn
out with me looking down and seeing the length and girth of my 
manhood enveloped by feminine folds? She's above me, rides like on 
horsback, moans in extacy, and I'm content to grab her ass as she 
does her thing. Up and down, giddiyap, let's go.

Together.

Apart.

Together.

Apart.

Sex is the only thing that hasn't changed in a billion years, but 
isn't boring yet. What makes this fact worse is that sex just the 
same fucking thing over and over and over and over again. Up. down.
In. Out. Together. Apart. Persistant, redundant, but never dull. Or 
at least not when you lean up, and slather your tounge across a 
suple, round breast and tufted nipple. The long moans becoming
punctuated 'Ooo-ooo-ooo's, between the lips of a mouth that can't
close quick enough for the next barrage of pleasure. My hand reaches
to her back, and I can run my hand across her soft skin and slick,
hot sweat. All this is being expressed in the worlds most primal
poety consisting of but a few bittersweet words.

"Oh, Fuck! Nooooo...Oooooo. Oh God, Yes."

I'm embellishing this too much, I'll move on. Jump back to before
all this.

Suffice to say, it is all her faut. Akane, that is. That's how I 
wanted to look at it at the time, at least. After a few minutes
together, now she's naked, and I'm strutting my boxers. Our smooth
skins are the color of the diminished sun, and glowing moon. I 
stroked my hands through her short hair, and put one of my legs over
hers. From top to bottom I could feel all of her goosebumps melt away
into smooth feminine skin that gave a pale glow, as soft on the eyes
as it was to the touch. I was not ready right then to do the deed 
with Akane, but it was all I could think about.

Right now my biological level is like wait for it. GO! No, give it 
just a moment. Hold. Now! Stop!

What am I doing?

How did it come to this?

This is it.

There's no turning back.

I just want my life to be normal, honest to holy heaven, I don't want
the curse or the fiances, or the trouble, what I want is something
normal, and this; sitting here quiet, next to Akane, this is the 
closest I have come in a long while. Peace and normality

Give me normality.

I hope normality is a word.

The fact that I was right there, that there wa