Subject: [FFML-R] [Spamfic] [R 0.5] An Offer You Can't Refuse
From: Paul Durant <[email-masked]>
To: [email-masked]
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 13:19:16 -0800 (PST)

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This was written as part of the hour challenge on
March 18. Mad props to Fido, Ginrai, Jeram, and Rakhal
for help revising it.

An Offer You Can't Refuse

FROM:
[email-masked]

TO:
[email-masked]

Re: Product Announcement

Are you tired of your otaku figure? Are you sickened
by the fact that "RL" constantly shuns you because of
your shallow looks and preferences? Do you denounce
"mundanes" yet secretly hope to curry their favor?
Then do I have a product for you!

The Chinese Amazons, long known for their quality and
odd marriage practices, and Tendo Nabiki, creator of
such fabulous innovations as "The Amazing All-In-One
Pokeball Storage System(tm)" and "Thinner Ki-Blasts in
30 Days or Less! (tm)" presents:

The Beautiful Form Amazing Wonderous Mark 2 "Buster"
Ultimate Custom Jusenkyo Body Reshaping Formula!

Yes, the cursed springs of Jusenkyo have long served
the Amazons, and now Tendo Nabiki brings their
astounding yet highly improbable power to you! It's so
easy! Simply:

1: Douse self thoroughly in BFAWM2"B"UCJBRF solution.
Remember, we don't want you to only half transform!

2: Splash self with warm water to take on your NEW,
ASTOUNDING FORM!

3: Enjoy your newfound popularity in your new,
incredibly handsome/sexy/"good sense of humor" body!
You may choose your NEW, ASTOUNDING FORM from:
Male: Vincent Ventresca, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson,
Harrison Ford, Gene Starwind, Son Goku, Son Gokuu, or
Son Gokou!
Female: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Drew Barrymore, Lucy
Liu, "That VoiceStream lady", Lina Inverse, Tsukino
Usagi, Iria, or Sarah Kerrigan!

4: Simply douse yourself with warm water to return!
It's that simple!

Just listen to these testimonials!

Saotome Genma:
"Is this going to go in the spam? I'd just like to say
that 'If you're tired of losing, come to the Saotome
School of Anything Goes Martial Arts! You've tried the
rest, now try the best!'"

Saotome Ranma:
"You're actually trying to sell Jusenkyo water? That's
low, even for you."

P-Chan:
"Bwee!"

With glowing reviews like that, how can you lose?

For your Beautiful Form Amazing Wonderous Mark 2
"Buster" Ultimate Custom Jusenkyo Body Reshaping
Formula, please send 11,000 yen (cash only )and your
street address to [email-masked].

---

Warning: Jusenkyo body modification is PERMANENT.
After you use the spring water, all warm water will
change you and all cold water will change you back. Do
not come whining to Tendo Nabiki when you feel like it
isn't fun not to be able to use the pool any more
because the owner likes the water cold, or how you
can't use a water fountain without changing into your
pathetic, normal self. If you don't want side effects,
then maybe you should work to get that "dream bod"
instead of answering a mass-mailing, you lazy little
baka. If you do come whining to Tendo Nabiki, you
should talk to Tendo Nabiki's hand, as Tendo Nabiki
will not be listening.

Insufficient amounts of Jusenkyo Formula have been
known to cause partial transformation. If partial
transformation occurs, contact
[email-masked] for possible
employment.

Tendo Nabiki is not responsible for transformation
errors brought on by curses, shipping errors, or
vindictive mystic would-be mothers-in-law. 

Tendo Nabiki is not responsible for brain damage or
little holes burned in the back of your skull brought
on by a five-hundredfold increase in retina size due
to a transformation into an anime/manga character.

Tendo Nabiki would like to state that it is in no way
related to the recent chain of mysterious celebrity
drownings. In no way whatsoever. If you state such a
connection exists, Tendo Nabiki will dispatch
thousands of lawyers unto you until you can no longer
breathe without filing at least ten papers. 

Although such a curse should by all intents and
purposes really screw you up, it seems that the worse
that can befall you from the curse itself is a string
of sight gags. However, there is still plenty of ill
that could befall you. Jusenkyo curses have been known
to attract wacky adventures/crippling disabilities
[depending upon how you look at them], including but
not limited to: Koi fishing rods, reversal jewels,
complete loss of directional sense, polygamy,
nosebleeds on the sight of pornography, repealing of
the physical laws of matter applied to mallets,
balloon animal curses, and lemons.

It is not Tendo Nabiki's fault if your life suddenly
and inexplicably gets all dark and angsty and
everybody you know acts out-of-character. Should such
an incident befall you, please summarise it [100k or
less, please!] and send it to
[email-masked].  Entries cannot be
returned.

---

Tendo Nabiki does not send E-mail offers unsolicited.
If you got this, then it means you asked for it. Maybe
you were drunk, maybe in a previous life, or maybe you
were a Magical Girl who fought a bunch of evil bad
guys made from common household objects and your
memory was erased to preserve your innocence and you
also forgot about asking for this solicitation, and
maybe some other stuff too.* Whatever the reason, do
NOT flame Tendo Nabiki.

* (If this happened to you, you should probably write
stuff down more in case you have to fight them for a
second season and you get your memory erased and
forget something important, like where you live. A
friendly suggestion.)

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