Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Spamfic] Who Will Crack First?

From: Jack Staik <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 08 Sep 1999 07:18:08 -0700

Ranma 1/2: Who Will Crack First?
--------------------

"Nabiki, may I speak with you?"

"Sure, Kasumi." She put down her abacus, trying not to show alarm at the
serious tone, the look of ... pain? ... on Kasumi's face. "What's up?"

"You and I are going to solve Ranma's romantic problems. I already have
an idea how to do that, in a way that will save face and prevent anyone
from being hurt. But I require your assistance."

Nabiki put on her 'Oh-The-World's-Being-Silly-For-My-Benefit' smirk. "Of
course, I'll expect some ... renumeration ..."

"You'll due it for free." Kasumi said.

"And why would I do that?" Nabiki asked.

Kasumi took out the blood-stained knife.

 * * * * * * * * * *

"Hello." Kasumi said to the assembled persons. "You may be wondering why
I called you here today."

"I thought you had some news about Ranma-honey." Ukyo said.

"Yes! Where is Airen? Shampoo not see him for almost a week!"

"Baka probably found some even sleazier bimbo." Akane pouted.

"Obviously one of these base trollops thought to interfere with my epic
romance with Ranma-sama." Kodachi said haughtily. "But they shall not
succeed - will they Harvey?" she addressed the invisible rabbit who'd
taken to hanging out with her.

"Quiet, Please." Kasumi asked, in a sweet tone that was instantly obeyed
(It's a Kasumi thing). "You'll be pleased to know that the surgery was
successful, and that two days ago, the doctors took Ranma off the
'critical' list and moved him out of the Intensive Care Unit."

"WHAT??" "Airen in hospital?" "Who did it??" "Oh Ranma-"

Kasumi raised her hand. "None of you will discover what hospital, so
there will be no bothering him until he has healed and is ready to
return home."

Akane was pale and nervous looking. "O-oneechan? Why was he in the
hospital? What did he need surgery for?"

"Well," Kasumi explained, "the classic form of seppuku causes injuries
that cause the intestines to fall out of -"

"SEPPUKU?!?" several voices barked in astonishment.

"- the body cavity." she continued. "The surgery necessary to save a
person in that situation is extremely risky. It's a miracle he still
lives."

"Why?" Ukyo asked in a quiet voice.

"Which one of these bitches almost chased my darling to his grave?!?"
Kodachi snarled.

"This is a mistake -it's a mistake -" Akane babbled.

"QUIET!!" Kasumi barked. "Ranma's suicide note made it quite clear - all
seventy-four pages of it. What it boils down to is that *all* of you
forced Ranma into a position where he could see no other way out."

The room was silent.

"Now," Kasumi continued, "there are going to be some changes around
here." She pulled out several official-looking sheets of paper. "You
will note that this is a contract. Nabiki drafted it, so forget about
loopholes. And, unlike Genma's this one is enforcable in a court of
law." she explained, handing them out. "This contract stipulates the
conditions under which the courtship of Ranma will proceed - and the
circumstances that will cause the engagement to be *permanently*
negated."

"Ranma wouldn't do that!" Akane siad. "His ego gets stroked too much by
having all these bimbos around."

"So much that he would kill himself to get away from them?" Kasumi
asked.

Akane blushed and was silent.

Kasumi picked up the contract. "Rule one: No speaking of romantic topics
around Ranma. No mention of engagements, dates, weddings, boy- or
girlfriends, fiancees, or spouses."

"But I'm his *fiancee!!*" Ukyo protested.

"Not unless you sign this contract - and abide by the rules." Kasumi
replied. "And that is Rule One - No mention of fiancees. Ever."

Kasumi looked at the silent foursome. She continued. "Rule Two: No
Gifts, no presents, no discounts," She looked at Ukyo and Shampoo. "And
definitely no free meals."

Akane chuckled.

"Rule Three: No cooking of any type is to be presented to Ranma outside
a restaurant. *None* of you will cook for him." Again, she looked at
Shampoo and Ukyo. "If he enters yor restaurant, have someoune else do
the cooking and serving."

"Wait a second!" Akane protested. "*None* of us cook? Who made up this
stupid rule?"

"Ranma did." Kasumi answered. "He felt like the food was being used as a
means to manipulate him." She shrugged. "That and his belief that Akane
was trying to poison him."

This time, the rest chuckled while Akane fumed.

"I'm a good cook!" she said in protest. "That baka just insults me -"

"If it's any consolation, Akane," Kasumi answered. "Ranma believes you
*are* a good cook."

The other fiancees looked poleaxed, while Akane looked stunned.

"He said that no-one could possibly cook *that* bad unless they were
*trying* to commit murder." Kasumi finished. "Ranma believes that your
cooking was a way of showing your hatred of him."

Akane whimpered. The rest chuckled.

"Rule Four: No Sex! Of any sort - including veiled references,
flirtation, or actual physical contact. Ranma-kun was most insistent
about that one."

"Why? He need a break from being a pervert?" Akane snickered.

Kasumi glared at her baby sister, causing Akane to recoil. "Akane Tendo,
your fiance is in the hospital recovering from a *suicide attempt*!! And
all you can do is insult him?!? You make me *ashamed* to be your sister!
I'm seriously tempted to ask Otosan to move the engagement to me - just
to protect poor Ranma from *you*!!"

"I - I'm sorry -" she squeaked.

"It's poor Ranma you should apologise to!" Kasumi chided.

"Yeah!" Ukyo sneered.

"As I was saying -" Kasumi continued. "Ranma is very uncomfortable about
sexual matters. In fact, I suspect he has an abnormally low sex drive.
He would rather not have the topic mentioned around him. And he finds
being glomped or forcibly kissed to be repugnant."

All four girls looked ashamed at that one.

"I thought -" began two or three of them.

"No you didn't." Kasumi interrupted. "Rule Five: No Violence! No
malletings, bludgeonings, LEO kicks, ambushes, or attacks with
miscellaneous weapons." Kasumi looked right at Akane as she said this.
"Under *any* circumstances!"

Akane was reaching her maximum limit for embarrassment.

"And administering drugs, potions, and using magic qualifies as
'violence'. As does yelling."

And the other fiancees were approaching their maximums for
embarrassment, too.

"Rule Six: No Dates! In the past, all of you have become jealous or even
violent about Ranma even talking to another girl, while at least two of
you have had actual dates. If you insist on being Ranma's fiancee, no
dating other boys! And flirting with other boys qualifies." Again,
Kasumi looked at Akane. "That includes your flirting with Kuno."

"I do *NOT* flirt with Kuno!!" she protested.

"Then why do you accept his 'date challenges'?" Kasumi said. "If you
were really serious about not wanting him, all you would have had to do
was go on the school loudspeaker and announce that you would *never*
date anyone who attacked you. Kuno's pronouncement would never have held
water with your clearly-stated opposition. Even Kuno would have had to
back down."

Akane looked shocked. She had never considered that.

The other fiancees chuckled.

"Rest assured, Ranma will abide by Rules Four, Five, and Six himself."
Kasumi stated. 

They were all becoming very good at looking ashamed. The thought that
they drove Ranma to suicide was bad enough, but *celibacy*?

"Rule Seven: No attacking each other!! That should be self-explanatory.

"Should any of you violate these rules, you will be permanently removed
from consideration as Ranma's fiancee. This state of affairs will
continue until either only one is left, or Ranma proposes marriage to
someone - not necessarily one of you." Kasumi concluded.

"But - this not fair!" Shampoo protested. "Nice Girl not serious!"

"Ranma was - and is - expected to fulfil a contract made with his mother
when he was only four." Kasumi explained. "An immoral contract that was
unenforcable, and *evil* in its requirements - but a contract that Ranma
will voluntarily honor. Are you saying you don't love him enough to do
this? That you lack the honor? Just say so, and you will be removed from
consideration as a fiancee."

All four were silent.

 * * * * * * * * * *

(Four weeks later)

Ranma left the ice cream parlor with Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo. He was
smiling and laughing, very different from the silent, dejected person he
was when he returned from the hospital.

Kodachi watched from the rooftops. She was still incensed that they
expected *her* to follow their Plebian rules! But she learned early on
that coming after Ranma meant dealing with all three of her rivals. Best
to bide her time.

Akane was shocked by the change. She and Ranma were actually getting
along and being frineds. Sure, he was rude and insensetive - but since
she wasn't busy yelling at him, she noticed that he treated his friends
all the same way. He had been treating her as a friend and equal from
the beginning. 

At times, she was tempted to say he was less perverted but he had not
changed in that respect at all. In fact, she would be forced to admit he
had never been perverted to begin with. Instead, it was her own mind
that saw perversion - and was increasingly filled with images of the
times she had seen Ranma naked. It was like bing a buddy instead of a
fiancee made him desirable. Very desirable.

Ukyo was also shocked. She watched herself become her Ranchan's pal and
buddy again. She still wanted more, but now he seemed happy. But the way
he called them all by nicknames was annoying. 'Ucchan' had been cute,
and calling Akane 'Tomboy' was to be expected (but her getting used to
it wasn't), but calling Shampoo 'Kitten'!! Ick!!

Ukyo found herself getting increasingly jealous of the other two. If
they were just *gone*!! But she couldn't touch them due to that idiot
contract! 

Shampoo was just confused. She found that she 'liked' being Ranma's
friend. She hadn't been allowed much of a childhood in the Amazon lands
- she had been groomed to be Cologne's Heir and the Champion from her
earlist infancy. Now she got to 'hang out' and go to baseball games and
have fun!

Shampoo found herself thinking of Ranma not as her Airen, but as a
friend. She was tempted to break that silly contract and get
disqualified as a fiancee - but that would mean returning to China. She
wasn't so anxious to give up her life here.

"Hey guys," Ranma asked, "there's a new Pachinko parlor a couple of
blocks from here - wanna give it a try?"

"Well, I was thinking I'd better get home." Akane begged off. <Dammit
Ranma, please please get a sex drive soon!! I'm gonna explode!!> "Maybe
next time."

"Sure! Sound like fun!" Shampoo agreed. <Whee! A new arcade! Being
Ranma's friend is a lot more fun than being his fiancee!>

"Yeah! Sounds great!" <Like I'll let that Chinese bimbo be alone with
him!>

<Oh wait,> Akane thought. <What if Ranma gets horny - I mean lonely.>
"On second thought, why not? Might be fun."

Ranma smiled one of those smiles that made girls melt. "Great! C'Mon!"
<I've got to thank Kasumi for those contracts. Of course, faking a
suicide attempt was a bit weird, but it seems to have worked! For the
first time, I have *friends*! Real friends!>

Kodachi smiled. She could read it in their faces - the feelings at war
within them. Their hearts tugging them in their own directions. Which
one would crack first?