Subject: [FFML] [RanmAlt] A Man's Man

From: Matthew Lewis <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999 14:32:48 -0400

Warning: For Women Only-- You Pansy Men ^_^

Ranma 1/2 is Rumiko Takahashi's, yadda yadda yadda.
C&C is the polite thing to do, yadda yadda yadda.
(trying to keep my notes and stuff short this time,
yadda yadda yadda) ^_^

                        A Man's Man

That Was Then:

    "... and so I need to take him on a journey, dear; you'll just
coddle him," Genma ended off saying.
    "Promise me, then," Nodoka said gravely. "Promise me that you
will make him a manly man."
    Genma looked incredulously at his wife. A man's man? How the
hell would he be able to marry Ranma off to one of Soun's
daughters? "Of course, I'll promise, dear!" he said, having no
intention of keeping said promise.
    "Then you won't mind putting your life on it, will you?"
    "Life?" Genma said weakly.
    Nodoka nodded. "Life. After all, if you're making me give up my
life as a wife and mother...."
    "Ah...."
    "In fact, I happen to have a contract right here." Nodoka
produced a scroll from behind her obi and unrolled it, sticking
it in Genma's face.
    "Ah...." Genma looked over the contract-- there had to be some
loophole that could be found later.

    And the next day, Genma and Ranma left. "Ranma," Genma said
with undue gravity, "what do you think about girls?"
    Ranma, like many six year old boys, made a face and said,
"Girls are icky."
    Genma nodded slowly. "That's right."

This is Now:

    Nerima, in the rain. The smell of wet fur. A panda. A busty
young woman most definitely not wearing a bra but most definitely
wearing a very wet and therefore clingy and revealing shirt.
    The young woman raised her fist and posed dramatically towards
the towering panda. "How will I ever find the man of my dreams with
a body like this?"
    Men up and down the street turned their heads. One of them
could be the man of her dreams. The panda, undeterred by her
argument, smacked her upside the head with some generic roadsign.

                            *   *   *

    Soun looked at his daughters and they stared at him, a wall of
stony faces.
    "Fiance?" Nabiki the middle daughter queried in a dispassionate
voice, summing up the distaste at so old-fashioned an idea as an
arranged marriage with the look on her face.
    Soun looked about nervously. "Yes." A knock on the door saved
him. "That must be them now!" Not quite saved by the bell, but good
enough.
    The sound of feet running towards the front door was the only
indication Soun's daughters had of his departure. The sound of feet
running away from said front door similarly marked his return.
    "Buh-buh-buh..." the wide-eyed Soun babbled, pointing towards
where he so recently ran from.
    "Big? Is he tall then?" the interested and curious Nabiki
asked.
    Soun shook his head and continued to point. "Pah-pah-pah," he
stammered.
    "Prime specimen of male meat?" Nabiki once again asked. "Is he
hunky?"
    "I hope he's older; I so adore older men," Kasumi pouted.
    It was at that moment that a panda entered, carrying a
previously mentioned busty young woman. The panda sat her down. She
bowed and squeeked out meekly, "I'm Ranma Saotome, and this just
ain't gonna work."

And a bit later:

    "Kasumi-- who was that man talking with daddy?"
    "I don't know, Nabiki. Did you see where that panda went?"

And about the same time as a bit later, two teenaged girls, Ranma
and the youngest of the three sisters, Akane, were enjoying a
chuckle.
    "You're good," admitted Akane. "I'm just glad you're not a
boy."
    Ranma looked at her newfound friend warily. "Why's that?"
    Akane's face darkened. "I hate boys," she said in a voice
matching her face.
    Ranma's reply was that, "Not all boys are bad. Some can be
quite... dreamy," in a voice matching the warm, dreamy look on her
face.
    "You sound like Nabiki. The world doesn't revolve around boys."
    Ranma shrugged and left the dojo.

    "You should have a bath, Ranma," Kasumi hummed, and handed
Ranma a towel.

    Now, the problem of whom is at fault should be addressed.
Ranma, for instance, did not put the occupied sign up; mind you
Akane knew Ranma was in the bath at the time. Akane did not knock.
Akane probably would not have done it at all if Nabiki had not told
her that Ranma was in the bath, thereby notifying her that the bath
was ready. Kasumi was the one who drew the bath-- starting the
chain of events. Of course, if Genma hadn't taken Ranma to Jusenkyo
there probably would not have been a mishap at all.
    So, now that it has been established that there was some form
of misunderstanding-- a culmination of circumstances leading to an
humourous event-- a description of some sort is in order. 
    Akane walked in on Ranma. He greeted her cheerfully, rose up
out of the water, towelled off, and changed into his clothes, which
incidentally fit much better. Akane's doe-like eyes took on a
quality usually associated with oncoming traffic; she was frozen
until Ranma left.
    Blink. Once. Twice, thrice. "I'll kill him! I'll crush him
like a bug!"
    Akane, towel now wrapped around her again, ran out of the house
to the koi pond, incidentally passing Ranma in the process. She
stooped down and picked up a boulder in a classic clean and jerk.
Her towel fell down in the process, but due to the adrenaline rush
she didn't notice. 

    "Akane, what are you doing?" Kasumi asked, noting her youngest
sister's heaving boulders in the yard (to be fair it was really
only one boulder, but was very large and could easily make two or
more boulders, so such a mistake can be forgiven).
    "Do you know your towel fell, Akane?" Nabiki asked.
    Akane looked down and noticed her state. The boulder fell.

                                ***

    Kasumi was on one side of the table, applying a bandage to
Akane's head, who was pouting. Ranma and his father, Genma, knelt
on the opposite side, the former looking down meekly and the latter
the very soul of calm and composed patience. Soun and Nabiki sat on
flanking sides of the table, Soun between Ranma and Kasumi, Nabiki
separating Genma and Akane.
    "You expect us to believe that the girl and panda we saw
earlier are really you two?" an incredulous Nabiki said, slapping
her hand down on the table to emphasise her point.
    A brief demonstration later and people were convinced.
    "The true horror of Jusenkyo is finally revealed!" Soun
announced, weeping.
    Kasumi finished administering aid to Akane by the time the
curses and the stories behind how the Saotome men received them had
finished. 
    "True horror! True horror!" Ranma (male) screeched, "You ain't
got no idea what kind of hell this body is!"
    "What's wrong with being a girl?" Akane fumed.
    "I think you'd be quite happy with your curse, boy,
considering the way you, you know," Genma said. "I, on the other
hand, turn into an animal, and you don't see me complaining!"
    "Stuff it, old man. I'm a guy, dammit, an' I'll--"
    "You should get dressed, Akane," Kasumi reminded her sister,
obliviously interrupting the dysfunctional family spat across the
table.
    Akane looked down, and noticed she was only clad in a towel.
She leaned over the table, inadverdently causing more of her
cleavage to be shown, and put her face up to Ranma's. "You saw me
naked!"
    "So?" Ranma said, confused and uncaring. "What's your point?
You got a pretty good look at me as well, you know."
    "It's different when a girl sees a guy!"
    "Lissen, Akane. I'm sure you're very nice, but yuh ain't built
the right way for me, if ya know what I mean."
    Akane did not, in point of fact, know what Ranma meant,
something he found out via a somewhat unusual use of the table.
Ranma spent the rest of the night on the floor. Genma and Soun got
rip-roaring drunk, for various reasons-- call it male bonding, if
you will. Kasumi was nice enough to drape a blanket over Ranma
before she went to bed.

    The next morning, Nabiki left for school very early, having
correctly deduced the following event:
    "School?" Ranma whined. "I don't have time for school! I gotta
get back to China and figure out a cure!"
    "Boy," Genma intoned gravely, "we'll be staying here for a
while, and so you'll be going to school!"
    "I don't got any school supplies or anything."
    Genma threw a bookbag at his son, who easily caught it before
it smacked him in the face. "Your registration papers, notebooks
and everything else are in there."
    Kasumi entered the room with another plate laden with
breakfast. The Saotomes were fond of their food, it seemed. "You'll
have to take Ranma to school today, Akane."
    "Why me?" Akane whined, in much the same tone Ranma used only
moments ago. 
    "Because Nabiki has already left, and someone needs to show
Ranma the way."
    Akane sighed and resigned herself to her fate.

    And Ranma and Akane made their way to school, she on ground and
he on fence. "When we get there, you don't know me," said she.
    "Whatever. Fine by me," said he, not really paying attention.
    "Why are you up there, anyway?" asked she, glaring at him and
then suddenly hugging her bookbag to her chest. "You're not trying
to peer down my dress, are you?"
    "Why would I want to do that?" he replied, perplexed. It was at
this moment that he became a she, due to the liberal and accidental
application of not-warm water via an old lady watering the walk in
hopes of it growing and becoming a wall or something of the sort.
Her aim must have been bad, however, as Ranma was still on top of
the wall and not on the sidewalk at all. Perhaps she had been
watering it for many years, watching it grow. Ranma sighed, and
plucked at the wet shirt distastefully. "I'll have to go back now,
I guess," she said, somewhat annoyed.
    "Why's that?"
    "Can't go to school looking like a girl now, can I?"
    Akane pondered the situation for a moment. "All you need is hot
water, right?" Ranma nodded. "I know just the place, then," Akane
said. "Follow me.
    A few streets and a few turns later, and Ranma was standing in
front of an acupuncture/moxibustion clinic, waiting for Akane to
return with the hot water. A bony hand grasped Ranma's shoulder.
Ranma grabbed the hand instinctively and threw the culprit over her
shoulder, screaming. A man and his skeleton went flying, landing a
few feet in front of Ranma.
    The man chuckled good naturedly as he stood and rubbed his
rump, upon which he so recently landed. The man wore a gi and
thin-framed eyeglasses. Once again, Ranma's breath was taken away.
Akane found this moment, as Ranma stared into the eyes of the man,
to come back with the hot water. "Hello, Dr. Tofu," Akane greeted
the man, bowing, blushing and incidentally setting the kettle of
hot water on Ranma's head. 
    "Betty," Dr. Tofu motioned to the skeleton near him, "and I
haven't seen you in a while, Akane."
    "I haven't been doing anything that would... get me hurt,
lately," Akane mumbled.
    "Well, you two should get going if you don't want to be late
for school, shouldn't you?" the young doctor observed. 
    "Ack! I'm late!" Akane shouted, grabbing Ranma's hand in the
process and running towards the highschool. The teakettle tipped
and luckily emptied its contents onto Ranma, causing him to revert
back to his natural state.
    Running towards the school, hand-in-hand, Ranma sighed. "He's a
very good martial artist, isn't he?"
    "How did you know? He may not look it, but Dr. Tofu is quite
skilled."
    "Had to be, to sneak up on me like that."
    "He's always taken care of any cuts or bruises or anything
anytime I got hurt since I was little."
    "I thought you didn't like guys?"
    They were approaching the school gates. "That's right!" Akane
said, her tone somewhat more venomous than usual. "I hate boys!"
    "That's okay, Akane. I understand completely."
    Akane stopped in her tracks and blinked. They were in front of
the school gates "You do?" she asked.
    "Yeah, I do. There are other people who feel like that, too. It
isn't anything to be ashamed about. I've always been open about it,
but I know some people ain't as comfortable with that."
    "Ah, er, what are you talking about?"
    "Why are all those screaming boys coming at us?" Ranma pointed
at the oncoming horde.
    Indeed there was a screaming horde of boys, all chanting, "I
love you, Akane!" and "Date with me, Akane!" and carrying all sorts
of sports equipment temporarily being used for a much different,
and more violent purpose. Akane growled and ran through them,
bookbag flinging around and taking more than a few of them down.    
    None of the boys were especially skilled, or especially fast,
or even really worked together very well, getting in each other's
way more often than not, but the sheer number of them more than
made up for their failings. Akane went through the boys as easily
as she would a wooden board, her battlecry of, "I hate boys!"
echoing against the walls.
    Three were left standing: Ranma, by the gates, wide-eyed with
shock, Akane, in the middle of the yard, surrounded by fallen boys
and tossing her hair peevishly at their stupidity, and a third, on
the top of the stairs. Ranma noticed the slightly older boy
immediately, how could he not? Tall, noble bearing and an
impressive cast to his face, not to mention being very fit and
having some of the most lovely hair. Handsome, in a rugged and many
fashion-- nothing effeminate about him, as he stood there in full
kendo regalia, bokken in one hand and a rose of deepest red in the
other.
    "I must make him mine!" Ranma said to himself, too quietly for
the others to hear, though both Akane and the newcomer could feel
the determination pouring from Ranma in waves.
    "Oh, hi Kuno-sempai," Akane said listlessly.
    "You know him, Akane?" Ranma asked.
    "Who are you to speak so freely with the beauteous Akane?" Kuno
bellowed-- his voice rich and resonant.
    "I'm--"
    "Is it not good manners to introduce one's self first? Very
well then! I am Tatewaki Kuno, rising star of the kendo world and
the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"
    Ranma sighed and smiled like a predator-- oh yes, Tatewaki just
needed the right man to set him to rights --Ranma vowed to himself
that he would be that man. "I'm the heir to the Saotome School of
Anything Goes Martial Arts, Ranma Saotome, and I'm sta--"
    "We're going to be late, Ranma!" Akane cried, panicking. She
grabbed Ranma's arm and ran into the school with him, but not
before he could purse his lips in a kiss and wink at an extremely
confused Tatewaki.

    The bell rang one moment after Akane and Ranma made it to their
class. Ranma was introduced to the rest of the class by the
teacher-- the girls were especially appreciative and filled with
the required amount of awe and admiration about his recent stint in
China and being a martial artist, as well as his attire, being
somewhat exotic for Nerima in general, and most definitely nowhwere
near a regulation school uniform. The boys silently made
contingency plans, in case Ranma wanted to partake in the daily
Akane competition, which seemed inevitable to them. The girls made
a silent vow to not let this have a chance to happen.
    In another grade, in another class, Tatewaki Kuno (now in
regulation uniform) was busily being outraged. "What! Staying under
the same roof as the beauteous Akane! I shall not allow this
effrontery!" 
    The teacher, who in off hours participated in an amateur
baseball league as a pitcher, scored a hit on the young scion of
house Kuno right between the eyes. "Kuno, two pails, the hall,
now," the amateur pitcher said in bored tones. 
    Tatewaki was soon off in the hall, having changed back to his
earlier attire and with buckets of water hanging off his bokken
which itself was slung over his shoulders and running full-speed
down the halls, much to the consternation of the teaching staff. He
stopped in front of a very particular classroom and kicked down the
door to it, looking for a very particular person. "Ranma Saotome! I
shall never allow you to live in the same house as Akane Tendo!"
Kuno looked around the class. The class looked back at him, as did
the teacher, who had paused mid-word at the outburst. Kuno backed
out and bowed. "Sorry for the intrusion. A mistake was made as to
which class the person I am looking for is in." The class, and the
teacher as well, blinked in perfect unison.
    After checking to make sure that the classroom in question was
in fact the correct one, young Mr. Kuno kicked the door in and
shouted, "Ranma Saotome! I shall never allow such a travesty of you
living under the same roof as Akane Tendo to take place!"
    Ranma perked up immediately. "You mean I can live with you?" he
said, half again too hopeful for the comfort of many class-members.
Tatewaki unlimbered his bokken and proceeded to attack Ranma with a
downward slash-- an attack which was dodged, mind you, by a timely
leap back. "This ain't the right place for that. Follow me!" Ranma
snaked his way past Tatewaki and out into the corridor. A
convenient window made an handy exit. 
    The class was far too interested in finding out that Ranma and
Akane were living in the same house, and trying to pump her for
information about him; both boys and girls wanting to find out if
the two were an item, what was he like, was he single, et cetera.
In the ensuing chaos no one was around to note that they were three
stories up, or that the window Ranma jumped out of and that Kuno
followed him out of was over a large in-ground pool.
    A shriek from outside brought everyone back to the present, and
of what just happened. A small figure with brightly-coloured hair
(although that could be because of glare) leapt out of the pool and
scurried away. "Was that Ranma? He looked a bit different there?"
one of the male students asked. 
    "Nah, you're seeing things," one of the other anonymous males
replied. "Same clothes, so it's gotta be him. We're just far away,
and it's playing tricks."
    "Ah," the first replied sagely.

    Ranma perched herself on a tree-branch, wringing out her pants
and grumbling to herself. "Didn't haveta grab so hard." She cocked
her head to one side and amended, "Although he's got strong hands."
    Akane appeared shortly after that, lugging a large tea kettle
with both hands. Steam came from the one end, evidence of the heat
of the contents. Before she could say anything, Kuno came onto the
scene. Akane sighed and tossed the kettle to Ranma. "Use this," she
said, "while I buy you some time to change back."
    Setting her sights on Kuno, she shouted out, "I challenge you,
upperclassman Kuno!"
    Kuno wept tears of joy. "Yes! My heart sings! I have waited for
the day that this would happen! Very well, Akane Tendo, I accept!
If I lose, then I shall date with you, but be prepared, for I shall
lose with all my might!" So saying Kuno rushed Akane. She did not
take it too well, and punched him directly towards Ranma. Kuno
landed on the kettle just as Ranma was about to use it, of course.
    Looking calmly at Ranma (still female), Tatewaki asked, "Where
is that Ranma Saotome? He fled from me. He is no man, you hear me!
He is no man!" Ranma dropped the kettle, resulting in Tatewaki
falling as well, in accordance with the law of gravity.
    Ranma leapt down and took a fighting stance. Tatewaki looked
on, amused. "You wish to challenge me? Very well then! If you win,
you may--" and was cut off by Ranma befor he could finish.
    "No! If you win, I'll go out with you. However, if _I_ win,
then you have to go out with Ranma Saotome!" It was a win-win
situation. If Ranma won (which she was, of course, confident of
doing), then Tatewaki would go on a date with him; if, on the off
chance that Ranma lost-- well then, there's a kettle of hot water
around still, and....
    At Ranma's pronouncement, Akane fell over, shocked and stunned.
Kuno, also shocked and stunned, managed to stay on his feet, but
unfortunately could not do much more than that. Ranma had an easy
win. Walking away, she called over her shoulder to Kuno's crumpled
form, "He'll be by tonight, at eight o'clock." Looking at Akane,
Ranma said softer, "Come on, Akane, you can help me get ready for
tonight." Akane, who had managed to pick herself up off the ground
although still in shock, nodded numbly and followed Ranma.

Will Ranma succeed in his quest to bring Kuno out of the closet, or
is the path of a samurai straight and narrow? 

What about Ranma's childhood friend, Ukyo? What will their meeting
be like? 

Is it true that Shampoo believes that "Ranma just need right woman
to set him straight"?

Are Ranma's girl troubles over in this story, or are they actually
worse?

And remember, Ryoga's a very strong guy, but Mousse has nice eyes--
what about them?

Will I ever stop asking these questions?

Irrelevant Author's notes: go here. Make up your own this time--
it's what I usually do, after all. You want explanations as to the
genesis of this (hows and whys), talk to me. Yes, another series I
plan on continuing, btw-- I've got stuff planned for up until the
Musk Dynasty pop up (he says, face contorted in a mad, manic
smile).

Matthew Lewis is:
	Matt on IRC
	Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	[email-masked]
	a proud member of Lumpy Pot Productions
( http://members.xoom.com/Morisato.home.html )
	in need of updating his webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
____________________________________________________

If you can't laugh at other people, who can you
laugh at?
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